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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 13/12/2019 21:02

Well done OP.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:03

@01Rose87777

Jane does different things different years. Sometimes she goes to one of her siblings or a friends, she's also gone on a cruise with one or more of her siblings several times over the years.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 13/12/2019 21:04

Well done OP! 💪🏼

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:05

@flouncyfanny

Didn't realize your dad was included!
Thank god he's on your side. Ring him again tomorrow and get him to give your mum a prod in the right direction.

Believe me, he won't let her weasel her way out of this one. My dad is mortified.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 13/12/2019 21:05

So having read your updates, I just wondered if there was something your mum wasn't telling you? Like is Jane seriously ill or something?

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:06

@DeathStare

As far as I know, she's healthy as a horse. My mother definitely would have told me if she were ill.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 13/12/2019 21:09

Good for you, OP 👍

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 13/12/2019 21:10

I really don't think she does, never mind the fact that I'm 47 fucking years old.

"A baby!"

Grinchly · 13/12/2019 21:12

Well done OP.
I would be wondering why your parents can't cook Christmas dinner for Jane at their house!

EL8888 · 13/12/2019 21:14

Yep you totally did the right thing, life is too short for this kind of nonsense especially at Christmas. Your mum was rude and cheeky doing what she did. Jane sounds like a CF.

Star81 · 13/12/2019 21:14

How very odd to invite her without even asking you. She’s got no one to blame but herself !

EL8888 · 13/12/2019 21:16

^this

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:17

@DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh

Well done for not letting your DM get away with this - as others have said, this would be the first year of many.

Yes, this was definitely a step WAY too far. I love my mum, and I have no problem with hosting Jane, but this was insanity and so disrespectful. I couldn't just roll over on this one.

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 13/12/2019 21:21

You've done the right thing OP. No-one has the right to invite someone to stay, or even to have a meal, in another person's house without running it past them first. What on earth was your DM thinking!!! I can sympathise - my DM would never have gone that far, but over the years she has volunteered me for things, or organised things, without consulting with me first. Maybe it's an "only child" thing - I am one also.

PlumsGalore · 13/12/2019 21:23

Well mum is just going to have to call Jane and say “oops Jane, I made a mistake, Aqua and DH gave plans Christmas Day, I got so confused, you can come Christmas Eve and Boxing Day Though still, and shall I book taxis with Marine Taxis for you?”

toodlethenoodle · 13/12/2019 21:23

Good for you @Aquamarine1029!!

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:28

@eaglejulesk

Perhaps it is an "only child thing." I'm just so shocked because this is totally out of character for her. Jane and my mum talk on the phone a lot, so I'm wondering if she got caught up in the moment and lost her head. Maybe Jane told my mum she didn't have any plans and then it made my mum feel awful that she would be on her own. It's the only explanation I can imagine. To be sure, my mother is not a ride or disrespectful person. She is very generous and kind. She just happened to go completely mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:30

*rude

OP posts:
ItWasntMeOk · 13/12/2019 21:32

Glad your Dad is on the case! How embarrassing for everyone involved. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas and no dying on hills Xmas Grin

FairyJuice · 13/12/2019 21:32

Well done op Star

TurnipToffee · 13/12/2019 21:37

Well 99% of us agree with you, so I don't think YABU.

She needs to stay at Jane's and come over for Christmas day.

How about 'Mum, you are so welcome here but I feel bad you don't see enough of Jane', or simply 'we're not in a good place for guests this year, any chance you could stay at Jane's?'

HamAndPineapple · 13/12/2019 21:37

@Wonkybanana, I agree with your post to @Jellybeansincognito
AFter my mother was diagnosed with cancer, after the initial shock, and not while she was going through treatment obviously, I began to say 'no' and call her out when she hadn't listened to me. I felt like I wanted to make our relationship real before it was too late. Not sure that is going to happen. I should have started 30 years ago but I hadn't the maturity or the understanding back then

Sometimes1 · 13/12/2019 21:44

I would text Jane myself
Your mum seems like a lovely, generous person who may have overstepped the mark with kindness. She will be mortified and not want to upset her friend.
I would take the flak for her (if it was my mother ) and you have nothing to loose if Jane is annoyed.

Hi Jane
Hope you 're well.
We are looking forward to having you over for Christmas Day & lunch on Boxing Day.

I m sorry, without checking with me, Mum issued an invite to stay for 3 nights over the Christmas holidays but to be fair this doesn't suit us as a family.
My 2 children are both home for Christmas this year which we are so delighted about.
Please don't be offended but it doesn't suit for you to stay over. Mum should have checked with me first, and for that I apologise.
Looking forward to seeing you on Christmas Day!
Aquamarine.

Howlovely · 13/12/2019 21:45

If your mum dithers and dallies over making the call to bloody Jane just ask her one simple question. "Mum, why do you care so much about not upsetting Jane that you are willing to upset dad, me, Mr Aqua and mini Aqua 1&2?" She can't possibly have a sane answer for that. I agree that it's ace that your dad is also mortified and not enabling her.
I'm sure this will be laughed about in time, your mum will blush and cringe about it for the rest of her days I hope, as a reminder of the Christmas she temporarily lost her marbles.

EL8888 · 13/12/2019 21:47

I think being an only child is a red herring. My OH is an only child but l can’t imagine his Mum doing similar