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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
Happyher · 14/12/2019 22:23

Don’t do anything in anger and think about how it might affect your relationship with your Mum if you tell Jane that the invitation is rescinded. YourMum may know things about her that you don’t. Just think this through when you’re calm, talk to your Mum and husband before doing anything rash.

lborgia · 14/12/2019 22:42

RTFT.....

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2019 22:44

@lborgia

RTFT.....

Yes, exactly.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/12/2019 22:54

It sounds as if Jane has great boundaries....she certainly suits herself 🙄😁.
I think the OP is being supremely accommodating to both Jane and her mother.
There aren't any circumstances where it is polite to invite someone to another's home with consulting the home owner.

Absolutely no circumstances.

Lifetheuniverseandeverything · 14/12/2019 23:00

Are they in a relationship she hasn’t told you about...

Mary46 · 14/12/2019 23:00

Desperate. I would be fuming. Had say to family check first dont answer for me. You could throw it back on your mam and say sorry Jane but mam should have checked first. My god families eh! Mine are tricky too

Rachelfromfriends1 · 14/12/2019 23:09

I’m surprised Jane even accepted the invitation. If she has a nice house nearby, isn’t strapped for cash & has other options like her siblings etc why would she actually want to stay over at yours for Christmas? Fair enough, you’re family friends, but staying over at someone’s house with 6 other adults for those 3 days seems like overkill with her circumstances.

Skrowten · 14/12/2019 23:11

Gosh, am I wrong to think, as much as it would annoy me, it's Christmas and the whole point is to be charitable. If she would be on her own it would be good to have her

Maltesefalcon · 14/12/2019 23:14

God people not rtft and posting their advice 11 pages in and about 7 pages after it's been resolved 🤦.

HeronLanyon · 14/12/2019 23:15

skrowton not wrong to think that at all. I think that ( although her mum should of course have bloody asked her first !), but it doesn’t mean someone who doesn’t think that is wrong. Op did think that is wrong and her set up/dynamic/family set up made it wrong for her.

Happymum12345 · 14/12/2019 23:37

This is like a scene from Bad Moms Christmas film! I think suggesting your mum stays at Janes is the best idea. Invite them for lunch or whatever, but not for three days.

FraglesRock · 15/12/2019 02:08

I do think theirs is a lazy friendship though. The majority of their time is at yours. I'd be putting a stop to that. Your mum should could come to see you.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2019 02:29

@FraglesRock

I do think theirs is a lazy friendship though. The majority of their time is at yours.

That's not entirely true. Jane has traveled to my parents home many times over the years. Jane has also has several boyfriends over the many decades and they and my parents have gone on several holidays together.

I don't know what Jane's issue is with hosting at her home, but it's never upset me. I've thought it unusual, but people are different. A pp wondered if Jane was a hoarder, but that is definitely not the case. Just 3 months ago she asked to borrow something, and as I was on my way over to near her home, I dropped it off. She invited me in and brought me to her bedroom to show me how she had redecorated. I saw every room and her home is spotless.

I think that for whatever reason, she's uncomfortable with hosting and that's perfectly fine. She has treated my parents at restaurants many times over the years.

Jane is not a selfish person. She's just her own person, if you seen what I mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2019 02:31

FFS. Excuse the typos. Up too late and insomnia. Smile

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 15/12/2019 03:14

Gotcha! And not sleeping tonight either. Grr

freeingNora · 15/12/2019 07:33

Whoever and whatever Jane is she's clearly got an unhealthy hold over your mother. Who has been told what for and bollocked etc etc. I agree with this for what it's worth as you DM was clearly out of line.

Your mother did a silly thing but I for one would be putting up some firmer boundaries between your family and Jane. If she's really her own person she wouldn't mind spend some more time with your mum see if you can't find out the triggers to her enabling Jane. Janes not a bad person you say but she's sounds manipulative and opportunistic making your mum the patsy.

I wonder if this hasn't been the pattern since uni. Manipulative people always come across so reasonable to the outside world but to the person they are manipulating it's toxic and they often do it in plain sight

dottiedodah · 15/12/2019 07:36

Good old Dad! Maybe hes fed up of having Jane tagging along too. Do you think your Mum maybe feels "young " again ,with her "Bestie " friend Anyway all sorted now .Have a really great Christmas !

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 15/12/2019 08:10

I think that for whatever reason, she's uncomfortable with hosting and that's perfectly fine. She has treated my parents at restaurants many times over the years.

I think that sometimes, too, people fall into a pattern without even realising it, and it just doesn't occur to anyone to change the status quo because "it's always been like that" - it becomes a tradition.

I doubt that Jane is even a tenth as upset as OP's DM is. Jane seems to be a very independent and self-sufficient woman - even if she ends up having a Christmas meal on her own, I doubt that it will bother her too much. I think she likes her own company and will most probably be quite content.

Mascarponeandwine · 15/12/2019 08:25

@Aquamarine1029 let us know if you have any fallout from this? My mother had some of these traits and I was an only child so she had no one else. She too was a good kind person, but didn’t really understand that a full time working parent of small children couldn’t accommodate all this additional work and headspace requirement.

ToftyAC · 15/12/2019 09:16

Great outcome. Glad it’s worked out. For all those going on about how you don’t know how long you’ve got with family so you should just suck it up? No! I lost my parents years ago. My dad would never have tried this but you can bet your arse my mum would have and I’d have still done the same as you OP. And Jane isn’t family, for those saying it’s family, let it go. Your mum overstepped in epic style but i bet she won’t do it again either. Happy Christmas OP.

beanaseireann · 15/12/2019 09:54

Glad it is sorted for you OP
Just a thought- it was inappropriate and out of cgaracter for your Mum.
Could it pissibly be the start of dementia?

Jane doesnt sound very nice, never inviting your Mum over or reciprocating your hospitality and being such a fussy guest.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 15/12/2019 15:01

Dementia? Omg please ignore the dementia comment op. Dementia does not start like that

beanaseireann · 15/12/2019 16:57

I noticed inappropriate things being said by a friend of dm.
Some years later - dementia

Celestine70 · 15/12/2019 18:43

I reckon Jane somehow got the invite out of your mother. Maybe their strange friendship dynamic goes back to uni days.

bonitabowbows · 15/12/2019 19:12

The problem here is your mum not Jane you shouldn’t say anything to Jane as she probably think oh what a lovely bunch always including me so I won’t be alone at Xmas , you should call your mum and calmly explain to her that it’s frustrating to you that Jane has to be there all the time when they visit coz u miss mum n daughter time alone without a third person around you always look forward to them visiting but Jane isn’t your friend there for when I say to her coming it should be for a few hours only and not days ,if your mum still doesn’t like it after explaining calmly tell her that even your partner isn’t overjoyed about it and it’s your house and any invitations should come from you not her , if she still doesn’t get it then I would say it’s about Jane invited you over to her house you are her friend not me .

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