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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
sliceofbeautypie · 13/12/2019 20:05

Rip the plaster off and ring Jane now. I know it's painful and you shouldn't have to do it, but imagine the weeks of upset before during and after Christmas. Imagine them doing the same next year and every year thereafter because it's now tradition.

You don't deserve to suffer this and your husband definitely doesn't!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/12/2019 20:07

Hopefully Jane will get the hump at being uninvited and you’ll never have to put up with her and her special water and garlic preferences ever again. Short term pain, long term gain!

JasonPollack · 13/12/2019 20:07

Do not let her get away with it. Firmly give her one more chance to rescind the invitation herself or do it for her. If you're feeling generous offer boxing day as a compromise. Not before because she won't leave. You'll have a miserable resentful Christmas otherwise. It will be awkward now, but worse if you don't do it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/12/2019 20:08

Channel that anger, @Aquamarine1029, and ring Jane right now to rescind the invitation. And tell your mum she has overstepped the boundaries, and will have to meet Jane at her house or restaurants/cafes from now on because you are not willing to let her use your home to host Jane.

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2019 20:08

How extraordinary! I’d be utterly incandescent with fury.

You could say your mother didn't realise that both of your children are home this Christmas so actually you don't have as much room as your mother thought... And you've planned to spend some 'family time' whilst you can grab it (you know how young people are when they've got their own adult lives)... But you'd be delighted if she could still join you on [pick a day].

I think that’s pretty perfect. ^^

64sNewName · 13/12/2019 20:08

Wow. No don’t accept this - it will ruin your Christmas and make you seethe for ages.

Poor you. Your mum is being vvvvvvvu

1Morewineplease · 13/12/2019 20:09

You really need to put an end to this , else your mum will start to invite her to stay over, at yours every time she comes to visit.

You also need to tell your mum that she has no right to invite her friend over to stay at your house.

Has Jane stayed over before? Do you see Jane without your mum being there?

This is going to be difficult for you but it’s your home, your family and your Christmas. Maybe invite her over on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a couple of hours but otherwise, no.

ConkerGame · 13/12/2019 20:10

I hate to kick you when you’re down, OP, but I do think this situation was partly of your own making and you’ve made a rod for your own back. By always inviting Jane over you’ve made it become an expected thing and I bet your mum didn’t think you’d really mind as surely you wouldn’t always invite her round if you didn’t like her?

You need to put a stop to it now - call Jane and say you’re very sorry, your mum got confused with the space and numbers in your house and you’d love to host her on Christmas Eve but don’t have space for her to stay or to be there on Christmas/boxing day. Then, and this is key, don’t invite her round any more!! It was very kind of you but she’s your Mum’s friend, not yours. You could always drop your mum round to Jane’s on Boxing Day if she’s so keen to see her again.

Isnappedandsharted · 13/12/2019 20:13

Let World War III commence that's what I would say!!!

Scarydinosaurs · 13/12/2019 20:13

Would your mum go to Jane’s as an alternative?

mbosnz · 13/12/2019 20:14

Your mother sounds like my mother.

Yes, this is the hill you want to die on. If you bring her up hard and fast on this one, she'll think twice about using the same tactics in future.

Tell your Mum that no, Jane is not welcome, or invited. And that you will be ringing Jane and telling her that. And if she's not bloody careful she won't be either.

olympicsrock · 13/12/2019 20:16

No way - you are very sorry but your mother didn’t discuss the idea with you and it won’t be possible for her to stay. Perhaps a drink on Boxing Day?

Chloemol · 13/12/2019 20:17

Call Jane, say sorry no room at the Inn, and family activities planned as son has been away etc but you are welcome Boxing Day tea at xx time, but no room to stay over

Then I would be telling your mum no more visits, go there or meet elsewhere, and by the way she is to entertain and look after HER guest Boxing Day, you won’t be

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 20:17

Thank you all so much for the support. A bit more info...

I have lived where I do for 15 years, and Jane has been coming over for lunches and dinners this whole time. I even invite her over occasionally for dinner when my parents aren't here.

Jane was divorced 40 years ago, never remarried and never had children. She has a lovely home that I have been in briefly several times. For whatever reason, in the 15 years we've lived here, Jane has never once invited me and my family over for anything, nor has she invited my parents over when they are visiting. I think it's odd, but perhaps she doesn't like hosting. That's fine. Jane has been over to ours for Christmas dinner several times, but I always was asked before the invitation was extended.

I know my mother did this from an angle of kindness, not wanting Jane to be alone over Christmas, but for fuck's sake!

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/12/2019 20:18

Your mum is a monumentally cheeky fucker, OP and I would be furious in your position. But if Jane isn't welcome at your house does that mean she will be alone for the whole Christmas period? If so I don't think I could bring myself to rescind the invitation completely. I would 100% rescind the invitation to stay overnight, that's just bonkers and I also think having her visit every day for three days is way too much. So I would probably invite her round for one of the three days though just so she wouldn't be alone...but I'd still be annoyed about it!

KrampusTime · 13/12/2019 20:18

I would be furious. And I would tell your mother that she has 24 hours to withdraw the offer, or you will be doing it yourself and telling Jane that this had not been agreed with you. In the interest of saving face I would concede inviting Jane to 1 lunch, and nothing more.

Your mother is the selfish one here.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 13/12/2019 20:19

Can you not just tell Jane that you'd invited Roy (the naturalist vegan Yoni Masseur from Hull) to stay with you too and ask whether she minds a) sharing a room with him and b) a vegan nut roast!

INeedNewShoes · 13/12/2019 20:21

You have to say no, or this will surely be repeated year after year.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 13/12/2019 20:21

@CorBlimeyGovenor wasn't that Brian?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2019 20:22

I think inviting Jane should be a no no when your mum comes down. The dynamic sounds bizarre and by having her in your home, you are facilitating this. Even more so because your dh doesn’t like her. When was the last time Jane invited your mum to her house to visit or for a meal?

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 20:23

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery

Your mum is a monumentally cheeky fucker, OP

This is why it's so utterly shocking because my mother truly isn't a cheeky fucker. Yes, she still sees me as her baby, but other than this she has always been very respectful to me. We have our moments of slight discord, of course, but nothing ever major or serious. This is totally out of character for her. I'm dumbfounded.

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 13/12/2019 20:23

I would get in touch with Jane and let her know that whilst she’s welcome to come for dinner it won’t be possible for her to stay knee.

LovePoppy · 13/12/2019 20:24

You need to tell your mother that she needs to uninvite Jane tonight or you will be doing it tomorrow, and you’ll be rescinding her invitation at the same time.

Seriously, the longer the goes the more likely you’ll let it go.

cptartapp · 13/12/2019 20:24

You seem frightened about upsetting your DM. You need to get over that. It's odd. Her wants don't trump yours, you're equals.
Just cancel. You need to 'win' this argument to set future expectations. And if your mum kicks off she can stay at home for Christmas.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 20:24

@Mummyoflittledragon

When was the last time Jane invited your mum to her house to visit or for a meal?

She never has. They've gone out to restaurants, but never invited to her home.

OP posts:
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