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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
Sometimes1 · 13/12/2019 21:51

Sorry Christmas Eve (not Christmas Day)

Cherrysoup · 13/12/2019 21:52

Fantastic update, OP! You rock!

kateandme · 13/12/2019 21:55

its not about being kind.that kindness in your own home has to ome from you.
call her tell hr your sorry your mum didnt know youve arranged other plans.would love to see you on "said evening" though.
but i think your going to let them get away with it.otherwsie you would be posting on here you would have just have put a stop to it

eaglejulesk · 13/12/2019 21:55

@Aquamarine1029

I think you are probably right, your mum just got caught up in the moment in her conversation with Jane, who may have said she was spending Christmas alone this year so your mum thought she would do the kind thing. However, you said Jane only lives 10 minutes away so there was no need to ask her to stay! It's hard for us "onlys" as we can't alienate our parents and sometimes just have to suck it up! Anyway, I really hope it gets resolved happily - good luck, and hopefully your mum has learned something from this! Good that your dad is on your side.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 21:56

I just got a text from my dad. "I told your mother if she doesn't call Jane, I am. It will be sorted."

My dad is one of the most calm, level-headed people I've ever known, but I know he is horrified over this. He would sooner eat glass than do what my mum has done.

OP posts:
kateandme · 13/12/2019 21:57

oops you actually went and stuck up to her.a mn first.well done you.do not let her wiggle

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2019 21:58

I would tell your mum that she cannot come unless she cancels Jane.

kateandme · 13/12/2019 21:58

oh well done both you and dad

recycledbottle · 13/12/2019 21:58

Well done OP. My mother tried similar stunts when I was younger and I put her in her place which ended it. My MIL does stuff like this all the time and DH never sorts her which causes major issues for us. Glad you sorted it. You will actually have a better relationship with your DM. Mutual respect is not a bad thing.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 22:00

@eaglejulesk

I'm guessing the staying over thing has to do with drinking alcohol, (not that we get drunk by any means), and that Jane doesn't like driving at night.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 13/12/2019 22:01

Well done to your dad!

justasking111 · 13/12/2019 22:09

Ah your dad sounds lovely. Glad he is sorting this.

Chancey1982 · 13/12/2019 22:10

Your husband sounds brilliant! "Oh dear!" That really made me laugh!

eaglejulesk · 13/12/2019 22:10

Yes, well done Dad! Best wishes for a happy Christmas. Incidentally, if I had been Jane I would never have accepted an invitation to a friend's daughter's home to stay - but we are all different!

Winterdaysarehere · 13/12/2019 22:12

Op your df rocks!!
Xmas Grin

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 13/12/2019 22:20

If she only lives ten minutes away can’t she get a taxi if she wants a drink? Confused

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 22:25

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig

If she only lives ten minutes away can’t she get a taxi if she wants a drink?

Exactly. One would think so!

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 13/12/2019 22:26

Yes it must be annoying for you, but considering this could be the last xmas you ever get to have with them, just suck it up- they clearly come as a package

With every respect, i hate this sort of post. There is no reason to believe that it will be OP's last Christmas with her mum - she could well go on for another 30 years. And even if it was, all the more reason not to make it a Christmas ruined by the unwanted invitee. They clearly don't come as a package, given that Jane has survived the last 46 years without staying at OP's house over Christmas.

MurrayTheMonk · 13/12/2019 22:38

My mother does things like this all the time. Not one bloody Christmas did we ever have at our house, or hers, without various of her odd friends/people she felt sorry for being present (at her house is obvs more fair enough but it would have been nice to have just some celebrations just with our family and not having to sit and make small talk with weird Derek from the down the road).
You have to put your foot down OP. It simply won't work. And you can't put your Mothers feelings before your DH's and everyone else's for that matter.

It's fine to have the woman over for one of the days maybe-and that's the charitable thing to do but not for all three and certainly not to stay over-thats bordering on the weird!

TooManyPaws · 13/12/2019 22:45

What has Jane got over your mother that she frets so much about her tastes and even invites her to your home at Christmas without any reciprocal behaviour from Jane. You would think that she would at least invite you all over for dinner at some point. I live less than 20 miles from my university friend but our friendship seems far more equal.

Oh, and spending Christmas on your own is bloody wonderful! I have stocked the cupboards and freezer, bought the bubbly, plan to put the Christmas bedlinen on the bed, wear my Christmas pyjamas, lay the table for just me with all the pomp, and thoroughly enjoy myself. No arguments, no tears, no yelling, just my animals and me. Sheer bliss.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 22:47

@MurrayTheMonk

I think both of our mothers have good intentions, but clearly go too far!

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 22:55

@TooManyPaws

What has Jane got over your mother that she frets so much about her tastes and even invites her to your home at Christmas without any reciprocal behaviour from Jane.

My mother has always had this weird, misplaced sympathy for Jane. "Poor Jane never found another husband and never had children." Jane never wanted another husband or children. She has always been very open about that. I've said to my mum many times how ridiculous it is to "feel sorry" for her over something she didn't want. Jane is very highly educated and had a high flying career that she loved. Before she retired, she was dedicated to her work and loved every minute of it. She is not some sad sack who has withered away alone and dejected. My mum clearly projects her feelings onto Jane.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/12/2019 22:58

Good on you OP. Jane should have said thanks but no thanks so she's as bad as your mum really

Your dad sounds great Smile

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 23:04

If there's anyone still reading, I do want to make it clear that my husband and I don't dislike Jane. She's a very good person, it's just that she can be challenging in some ways. She is very "particular" to be sure. The same can be said about me in many ways, so I am certainly not a perfect person. I wish I could articulate it better, but it's hard to explain. Jane is not in any way rude or abusive, and for the most part, we have a good time with her. I certainly wouldn't entertain her for a second if she were a miserable person.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2019 23:04

Dear oh dear. Thank goodness for your dad!