Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset with my mother

282 replies

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 19:44

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

OP posts:
cabbageking · 13/12/2019 20:47

Uninvite your parents? There is no need to Jane to come then?

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 13/12/2019 20:48

Stop procrastinating on MN and make that call! Explain your mum got carried away you can’t accommodate her for the whole weekend. Invite her for a small part of the break that suits you. Tell her to talk about it with your mum and get back to you.

Then tell your mum you’ve done it and you will understand if she doesn’t want to come to you for Christmas. If she goes ballistic stay calm and tell her you’ll be in touch soon. And then leave the ball in her court. Don’t run after her or try to appease her. Concentrate on having the Christmas you want.

Thornhill58 · 13/12/2019 20:48

Looks like your Mum wants to spend Christmas with bloody Jane. I wouldn't be happy as it's more about their friendship than Christmas with the family.
Very selfish of her not to ask you.

Tinkerbell89 · 13/12/2019 20:49

I would be fuming if my mum did this and hadn't spoken to me first or had an ok from me. I would phone your mum and tell her that she is welcome to come for Christmas but you want a family only Christmas so she must uninvite Jane (She invited her, she should explain herself to Jane not you) and if she isn't prepared to apologise and uninvite her then she should go to Jane instead to stay for Christmas.

You have to make her take responsibility for her actions and deal with Jane plus stand your ground or this could become the new normal every Christmas with her inviting Jane along. Your house your rules abd you should say you don't want to have to worry about a guest and want to be comfortable in your own home.

Wonkybanana · 13/12/2019 20:49

I cant help but think shes alone over christmas. Isnt that the whole point?

But there's more of a backstory than this just being about Christmas. Given Jane's attitude for years, why should she intrude to the extent of three days on the OP's Christmas, and why does the DM have the right to invite her without saying a word to the OP beforehand? (Which she undoubtedly did because she knew OP would say no if she was asked, but thought OP wouldn't argue if it was a fait accompli.)

OP if I were you I'd be seriously thinking about rescinding your ^parents'* invitation. I know you were looking forward to seeing them and you'll miss them, but if your DM is so determined that Jane is going to be part of her Christmas I'd tell her to get on with it, but she's not doing it at your house, at your expense, at your inconvenience and making things uncomfortable for your DH.

And I'm with PPs - if you let it happen this year, you can say this is the only time, never again, to your DM until you're blue in the face, but come Christmas 2020 you'll be told that she's already been invited and you'll be expected to go along with it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/12/2019 20:50

Well, are you going to be completely wet about it or are you going to tell Jane she can come for x and not the whole time?

Ravenesque · 13/12/2019 20:51

Call Jane and call it off. Call your mum and tell her you've called it off, tell her if she wants to spend all her time with Jane then she can stay at Jane's and if Jane doesn't want her in her home then she can spend it with you and your family (your mum, not Jane) or go home, it's up to her.

This is the hill to die on and this is a reason for WWIII. What she's done is outrageous. And yes, maybe you have been too generous with Jane in the past but that doesn't give your mum the right to be generous on your behalf without talking to you about it. Staying over when she lives ten minutes away, ffs! Stand up to the nonsense and do not accept it.

Ifeelinclined · 13/12/2019 20:51

Oh, hell no! Find your boundaries, OP, and stick to them. This is unacceptable. I would call Jane myself and tell her that this is a no go. The longer you allow this behavior, the worse it will get. You need to stop it now.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 13/12/2019 20:51

You either bit the bullet and rescind the invite or realize that a precedent has now been set for Mum to invite Jane from now on.

Just out of curiosity what is it that Jane does that's so unpleasant? You've said that your mum makes a huge fuss about her but nothing about what Jane actually does that makes her a pain as a guest. I'm not saying you aren't right, you are. I'm just curious if it's her behavior or your mother's behavior around her.

flouncyfanny · 13/12/2019 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiskersonkittenss · 13/12/2019 20:52

Fuck me. I'd be telling my mum to sling her hook too.

cptartapp · 13/12/2019 20:52

The fact that your DM is going to die one day is no reason to 'suck it up'. You could have this nonsense for the next twenty years or more. It will only get worse. More reason than ever to please yourself over other people. And I say this as someone who has lost both parents young in tragic circumstances.

Grumpelstilskin · 13/12/2019 20:53

Call that Jane and tell her that you need rest and some quiet family time this Christmas and that you cannot host her on any of those days. Take a stand because life is too short and precious to swallow that much piss-taking. Then again, I'd uninvite the parents too though if your mother pipes up about it.

AllideasAndNoAction · 13/12/2019 20:53

Tell her that Jane is welcome on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day only and if she doesn't recind the invitation for the remainder of the time and the offer of using your home as a hotel then she can bugger off the Jane's house for the whole of Christmas and is only welcome to pop round for a couple of hours on Christmas morning herself.

Bluerussian · 13/12/2019 20:54

What Display said: "You could say your mother didn't realise that both of your children are home this Christmas so actually you don't have as much room as your mother thought... And you've planned to spend some 'family time' whilst you can grab it (you know how young people are when they've got their own adult lives)... But you'd be delighted if she could still join you on [pick a day]."

That sounds like a reasonable and tactful explanation. I agree with other poster that your mother was rude and high handed to invite Jane to your house - to stay two nights as well. It beggars belief.

rwalker · 13/12/2019 20:54

problem solved get your mum invite herself to janes over christmas and pop over to you for a visit

Wonkybanana · 13/12/2019 20:54

I’ll be honest with you- I’m 29 and haven’t got a living parent.
My last existing parent died suddenly recently.
but considering this could be the last xmas you ever get to have with them,

Jellybeans I'm sorry for your loss, but this has nothing to do with it. Of course anyone could die at any time, but you can't live your life as if it's a given they're going to, and there's no suggestion that it's on the cards here. And anyway, Jane isn't the OP's parent. If you're going to go with the 'last Christmas' argument, then surely it's all the more important that it's just the family who should be together.

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/12/2019 20:55

Your husband's reaction made me laugh.

You sais you put an end to these interferences when you were a child, and I think it's time you put your foot down again. It's so disrespectful to you and your family.

Who the heck voted YABU?? Maybe Jane is on mumsnet...

Jellybeansincognito · 13/12/2019 20:56

There wasn’t for us either- stuff like this is so... meaningless.

It’s almost picking argument out of stuff for the sake of it.

Original poster
Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2019 20:57

Decision made and I've just called my mother. My husband and I are more than happy, honestly and truly, for Jane to come over Christmas Eve for food and drinks, and Boxing Day for Lunch. No to Christmas Day and definitely not staying over. I told her she either calls Jane by end of day tomorrow or I will. I have also told her under no uncertain circumstances is she to invite someone to my home without permission again. She said, "What am I going to say?!" My only response was "figure it out." She's not happy with me and I 100% don't care. She'll get over it. She has no one to blame but herself.

Turns out, she didn't tell my dad what she'd done and he is furious with her. He answered the phone and I told him the situation. He's as dumbfounded as I am.

OP posts:
hifolks · 13/12/2019 20:57

When i read your little build up about Jane, I thought you were going to say. mother had invited her for a meal!! Unbelievable.

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/12/2019 20:57

There's not enough wine in the world that would get me through this if I were in your position. The overnight stays would break me.

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/12/2019 20:58

Great update!! Well done.

Rose87777 · 13/12/2019 21:01

Who does Jane usually spend Christmas with? It’s a absolutely nuts that your mum invited her without consulting you - but I can’t help feel for her if she is going to spend Christmas Day alone

flouncyfanny · 13/12/2019 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread