DH returning this morning after Christmas do, is that acceptable behaviour?

[username0294]

Would you be cross if your DH went out to his Christmas work do at 1815 last night and returned at 0610 this morning? Unexpectedly. He's never been on the lash this long before, just has a good night apparently. Woke me up at 4.45... I've been up ever since wondering where he is. Have to do school run and work all day...also supposed to be packing for weekend away/pet care before work. Plan was to drive 3 hours this eve - that's out the window as he won't be fit for it. Will have to go tomorrow morning instead. Not sure if I'm cross due to the nonchalance, disturbance of plans, lack of sleep or worse than that.

Our bills only show amounts on the app. We don't have itemised billing. He said they won't issue the records until
The next bill issue in 12 days. I can't wait that long. He knows I'm going to see it. I've been very clear that whatever it tells me, that we both know he's hidden, unless he comes clean, is grounds for divorce. He's adamant he's told me everything he knows and he doesn't know what his bill will show. He won't leave the house but he's moved in the spare room.

To be clear - they said we can request itemised billing in 12 days.

If u log online you can see the itemised calls I belive.

It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, exactly what time he did/didn't make a phone call, or searched on-line for a sex worker.

The facts are he was AWOL for half the night. He searched online for a sex worker. He withdrew a large amount of money. He caught an Uber to an anonymous address. There are photos of a naked woman on his phone. He returned home with zero money.

These are the facts. Ignore the anonymous group of strangers. Ignore anything they supposedly said/did. There is zero proof they exist.

I am so very sorry for you. This will not be the first time he has done this.

It's down for maintenance!!! You can't make this shit up.

Thank you for everyone who's offered support. He said he won't leave to see his family without me but he has phoned them and told them why. His version obviously which is bad enough. I've had a brief chat with his sister. She knows what I know. Both her and my father in law have sent me a supportive message saying they understand my predicament. I don't really want to involve them more than this. The more people in real life that know the more people who are going to offer opinions on what they think I should do.

We don't live near our immediate family and can't pay for him to live elsewhere. We'll have to live together for the foreseeable which will be easier on the children. We're reliant on our jobs for what financial security we do have. We have a mortgage to pay. At least that buys me time to not do anything to hasty. I cannot manage work plus childcare without him.

I don't know how to begin telling anyone else when I don't understand the situation myself. He's agreed to go for full STI screening but that will take 12 weeks to be accurate. We're meant to be hosting Christmas and new year. My instinct is to autopilot through Christmas, if I can't manage that, we'll cancel new year plans.

He swears blind he does not know what his phone records will show as he obviously deleted it but doesn't recall actually doing it so has not offered anymore insight to that.

He thinks we can come back from this and he can make it up to me. This is out of character- to my knowledge. But I don't know how I'll ever trust him again or be understanding about him going out. I asked if that's how he wants to live indefinitely with a wife that questions everything he does and potentially will never look at him in the same way ever again.
I also asked what example he thinks it sets to your children (a son and a daughter) - although they have no idea right now- but what does it tell them about future relationships? Would he want his daughter to give someone a second chance in this scenario? He can't answer me. He regrets his poor choices. probably wouldn't if he's not been caught.

Why is it always men (in my experience) who have these lapses in judgement. Or think they can get away with it anyway.

Where can we go from here? Can anyone shed any light? Can anyone give me any hope for our future? If his version of events is true, is it forgivable? Can I live with never knowing? Can I ever forgive myself for destroying my children's life as they know it.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic, I'm just very confused.

How utterly miserable for you and ur children. I am so sorry you are going through this. You know the answer to your own question. Of course he is being unreasonable. Let’s hope he owns up and at least that way you will know what ur dealing with. Sending a hand hold to you. 💐

Can I ever forgive myself for destroying my children's life as they know it.

You haven't done anything! If anyone has destroyed their lives (and honestly, I don't think that's what has or is going to happen), it's him. Men with families don't just cheat on their wives, they cheat on their kids too when they risk that relationship. You all deserve better and if you find that you can't get past this, then that's down to him too.

Sometimes doing nothing is the something that you need to do.

You don’t know what the next move is, of course you don’t. But let everything settle in your mind. It might be helpful for you to write down a timeline of events that you know for sure and what he has said so far. Get that straight as far as you can/know.

Give yourself some time. Go for a big walk and meet a friend after for some coffee/chat. Keep thinking as you will have so many emotions into us mind and it will take time to settle.

Spare room and keep it civil. But don’t forgive.

You wouldn't destroy your children's lives. He has already done that by destroying your trust him in him, and destroying your hope. He is 100% responsible for ALL of this.

This isn't something I could come back from. I wouldn't even want to try because I know myself too well. I would spend the rest of our marriage punishing him and I would lose my self respect. I love my children too much to burden them with a Mum who cannot respect herself and who cannot respect their Dad. It would be misery for everyone.

Millions of men do not lie, behave like shits, use sex workers and expose their children to sordid heartbreak. Surely it would be far, far better to find one of them?

Having never been in this situation I can’t really offer much useful advice but I definitely think considering some sort of marriage guidance counselling might be an option. You (He) will have to pay for it and it may not be cheap but it might be worth a shot. Problem is you’ll never trust him again and as others have said this probably wasn’t the first time he’s done something like this it’s just the first time he’s ever been caught.

If his version of events is true, then yes I think its forgivable.

I really hope for your sake he's telling you the truth.

I can't believe that he is but I do hope so.

He swears blind he does not know what his phone records will show as he obviously deleted it but doesn't recall actually doing it so has not offered anymore insight to that

Liars only admit to what they can't deny. He will deny deny deny until the phone records come out. Then, mysteriously, the bill might not materialise at all (he might contact the phone company to send it to his work address for example).

He knows exactly what his phone records will show. But he's buying himself time.

It is possible for you to move forward from this. But it means he needs to he honest with you. Ironically, he's lying to try protect you and save the marriage if possible.

You know what the bill will show, that he arranged to meet the escort. I think you posted earlier that apparently he arranged a “stripper” for the “lads?”. That will be the story he tells you anyway to explain it away.

I’m with Vodafone who show itemised billing for the current billing period, I guess 3 doesn’t have the same capability? Have attached screenshot

I'm with 3 in Ireland and it has the capability of showing itemised usage since last bill.

He's lying.

Ii think you need him to log on to his account and go through it together to see what it shows. I think my provider shows itemized bills half way through the billing period but will only post them out at the end of the period.

I'm not sure what it will show you though? If you call it, and don't know the name of the person you're calling I dont think they're going to answer 'this is Jane Smith, prostitute here'. I would think given you're female they would assume you're on he warpath and avoid you.

I think you'll need to get the call records before or at the same time as him so he cant call the number and warn them to block you etc.

Remember you dont need to make any decisions now, it is going to take a while to sink in, and you're allowed time to process it before you make any decisions. Has he got any family or anyone he can stay with for a few days to give you a bit of space?

It's not a 'lapse of judgement' though is it OP. He decided at 5am that he was going to fuck a prostitute. That he actually called you for the money to pay for it shows just what he thinks of you. Bet he thought that was really funny! The booking strippers for a group of strangers story is just laughable

How could he possibly of needed to spend £300 on food and drink in one night it's likely, given the time he was out till that he was also doing coke which is probably where the money went. If he'd have spent all that on alcohol it's unlikely he would have been capable of sex at 5am!I

This won't have been the first time. He knew exactly what site to go to for the escorts didn't he. I think you know deep down he is lying. I'm not sure what phone records are going to show . You have my sympathies OP, must be a massive shock to find you are married to a man like this.

This is out of character- to my knowledge.

If he'd gone to a strip club that would have been one thing. He proactively googled contact information, proactively went to get cash, proactively went to the address and proactively covered (he thought) his tracks.

It seems like a lot of chances to back out that he didn't take for someone who it was out of character for.

Honestly? Going through all those steps seems like a big first lapse in judgement. Funny how the one you catch them out with is always the only ever one they've done isn't it?

And no, he wouldn't want his daughter to be with someone who acted how he has acted. Even if only the once. And I'm sure he wouldn't want his daughter to strip for a married middle aged man who got pissed and didn't go home to his family. One rule for him. Typical.

He sounds like an arsehole OP and you sound genuinely lovely and fun and with it. Please don't let him talk you around if it's going to mean a lifetime of low self esteem, suspicion and resentment for you.

You really do deserve better than that.

Oh and as a recovered addict, his story absolutely screams of Coke.

I’m glad you’ve told people.

No real advice apart from what has already been said but didn’t want to read and run. I’m not sure how you get over something like this to be honest. Take care of yourself

What a bastard. I'm so so sorry op.

He also said he wouldn't of been capable of sex due to the amount of alcohol. Doesnt meant he didn't have that intention.
I tracked down the uber driver & tried to call via the app to check if one of his 'friends' left something in the car- it didn't connect. He's now admitted that he's not sure if he travelled alone and the only explanation for the loss of £100 cash is that he must of paid for the "stripper". He initially said they chipped in £20ish each. He says he can't remember and my digging is filling in some blanks. He also admits that he cannot of given the money back to a colleague as they'd gone by the time of cash withdrawal & there's no other explanation for where the money went. He still says he doesn't know what or who he called. But he was able to use the fiddly uber app (I've struggled before when drunk) to get across town and delete the specific call records. He doesn't know if he owes anyone else money now. Despite saying he borrowed cash from a colleague.

I'd be surprised by drugs as he's had loads of opportunities to do coke before and has told me & not done it since a dabble in his late teens. It's not impossible though. Could that cause a behaviour change like this? I've heard it makes you feel invincible, but no experience myself.

If this was anyone else I'd say the facts are screamingly obvious but I cannot get my head around it. Our marriage isn't perfect but I didn't in a million years think this would be us. My colleague announced her divorce plans on Thursday and I distinctly thought, after comforting her of course, 'how lucky we are to be boring but content/drama free'. I've never felt so stupid and overwhelmed.

Ironically, he's lying to try protect you and save the marriage if possible

Nope he is lying to protect himself only. He is in self preservation mode, I have been there with a partner who was also caught out using prostitutes and he kept the lie going for a full year before I found out the truth, he would only ever admit to what I had evidence to prove. His actions destroyed me, I will never have another romantic relationship again after him, I am not yet 40 and that kind of life is over for me, that is the level of damage he did.

Take care OP, my advice for now is arrange counselling for yourself you will need an independent listener, not family or friends who will take about you not "hurting" the kids or you "saving" the marriage, you need support and NONE of this is a reflection on you. All it shows is that he has a lack of character and a sense of entitlement.

It’s certainly a hard situation.

I’m just going to be frank, you can’t trust him - with this, or with future incidents. He obviously doesn’t want to split up or have his cushy life changed as a result of this, so it’s in his vested interests to tell you what he thinks you want to hear rather than the truth. Hence why he keeps saying that he can’t remember, he was too drunk to get it up etc or changing his story as new facts emerge (“digging” as he refers to it).

I would be more inclined to trust him had he been honest from the start - but he wasn’t. I personally can’t move past the fact that he deleted calls/texts/photos etc to cover his tracks, he was apparently SO beyond drunk yet still had the presence of mind to do this, and even email himself a memento

I don’t think you’ll ever know the truth of what happened that night.

I also don't believe this was the first time. I reckon he's been doing it whenever he was away for work. It takes a certain type of man to google for sex workers, it's not the sort of thing that a decent man would do as a one off, a "lapse of judgement", as it wouldn't even enter their heads.

Don't let him weasle his way around you. He doesn't deserve a second chance, and you'd be a fool to offer him one, because it wouldn't stop him from doing it again, he'd just be extra careful at covering his tracks.

Do not take ANY blame for breaking up the family. This is ALL on him. If he cared about the family, he wouldn't have done this. He's only worried about what people will think of him.

You need to go and see a solicitor. Find out where you stand legally, before you make any decisions.