DH returning this morning after Christmas do, is that acceptable behaviour?

[username0294]

Would you be cross if your DH went out to his Christmas work do at 1815 last night and returned at 0610 this morning? Unexpectedly. He's never been on the lash this long before, just has a good night apparently. Woke me up at 4.45... I've been up ever since wondering where he is. Have to do school run and work all day...also supposed to be packing for weekend away/pet care before work. Plan was to drive 3 hours this eve - that's out the window as he won't be fit for it. Will have to go tomorrow morning instead. Not sure if I'm cross due to the nonchalance, disturbance of plans, lack of sleep or worse than that.

Oh, and I think you need to tell him to go and stay somewhere else for a few days, so you can get your head straight. If he refuses, tell him that if he really is sorry, he'll get out of your hair, to allow you time to think.

Surely there's no question of what to do???

DH went on his staff Christmas do and came home at 8.30am the next morning. He missed the last train home and spent several hours at the train station. Not sure why he didn't take a taxi back.

He's worked abroad,

Oh, now I agree with others: I don’t think this is his first time either.

Of course you can't get your head around this OP, the shock is enormous and has exploded all around you. But there are dozens of sensible replies from objective women who have listened to the facts, and we all have the same opinion.

You talk about giving him a second chance, but you have unknowingly already given him loads of second chances, because he will have done this before and got away with it. It's just that he's finally been caught out this time.

If you give him a second chance (or what is, most likely his 10th chance) it just proves to him that even when he's caught red handed he can STILL get away with it.

Just to add, I can sort of understand why you’re considering giving him a 2nd chance - leaving is easier said than done and you will absolutely uproot your lives blah blah - but if I’m being honest, your relationship will never go back to how it was before.

It will be different.

You can’t trust him.

He doesn’t respect you.

It will all be a facade.

You at least need time and space apart. He needs to move out even if he just temporarily goes to his parents for the week as originally planned.

It’s always the worst possible time these things creep up on you.

Sending a handhold

"He also said he wouldn't of been capable of sex due to the amount of alcohol. Doesn't meant he didn't have that intention"

In my mis-spent younger years I never ever encountered an ex who was conscious / able to walk who was not capable of sex. Despite being fall down drunk / talk total nonsense drunk / leave all your belongings in the back of the cab drunk.

but hadn't pressed 'agree' to open it

You said this re one of the websites. This doesn’t mean that he didn’t press agree at the time, remember that safari/any mobile web browser refreshes websites after a period of inactivity.

Also he wasn’t too drunk to have sex unless he was vomiting and black out drunk - he wasn’t here. He was blasé when he arrived home, not paralytic. He was sober enough to call you, get your card details and successfully withdraw cash. He was sober enough to realise he had to delete photos/calls etc. He was sober enough to arrange Ubers and concoct stories etc.

Honestly reading all your posts, it sounds like he called you when he was horny, withdrew the cash, went to the escort’s house and paid for her services and cleared the evidence on his way back. He was definitely coherent enough.

Blouse, for him I know that's a possibility. I don't think it's that uncommon.

... not a definite though. He was not unable to function drunk, as the previous person pointed out.

Can anyone give me any hope for our future? If his version of events is true, is it forgivable?

Well his version has already changed a few times. You know he was definitely “mistaken” about several different things now. If he was honest from the start then perhaps, but he chose to hide things. He at least was in the company of a stripper with the lads and wasted £100 of family money on that. If that’s all that happened he should have just admitted it.

Can I live with never knowing?

That’s the thing, unless he’s honest you’ll never know. His colleagues weren’t there. You can’t really ask the other woman. The club etc won’t give you cctv to see if the other lads exist etc. But you know that something isn’t sitting quite right with his version of events.

Can I ever forgive myself for destroying my children's life as they know it.

Bless you! You have to realise that any ramifications on the children are on him - not you. Your children will understand as they get older. You didn’t destroy anything, he did, and don’t let him gaslight you into believing otherwise. It’s far more unhealthy for them to be stuck with parents who are unhappy & staying together for the sake of it. You can’t pretend to be happy in front of them 24/7 - they will realise. Also lead by example, what would you tell your daughter with a cheating husband to do? You’d surely want better for her.

Such snivelling weaselly lies. While he’s lying as much as he can I dont see how you can ever look at him the same way.

Hope you’re ok OP this sounds horrendous

Can you check his location history on his phone?

I’ll be honest, you sound like a very intelligent person.
Look at all the facts you have (only facts, not his version of the events), analyse them and ask yourself what your conclusion would be if it was your friend in this situation?
Then listen to your gut , what does it say?
You know deep down that something very bad has happened, you can face it head on with all the horrible consequences... or you can choose to use the ‘lack of evidence’ as your excuse to move on.

After reading the original post was thinking this sounds dodgy but after RTFT I just want to say I am so, so sorry OP what a horrible thing to find out, especially at this time of year & hope you are holding up ok as can be ❤ He is a total scumbag cunt for doing this to you and his family. Unbelievably selfish and pathetic of him You have done nothing wrong he is just a complete ARSEHOLE.

Hope you managed to get a bit of sleep last night OP

Are you ok? Been thinking about you x

Thanks for asking.

I guess the short answer is no!
I'm none the wiser. Went to address - doesn't appear to be the one in question. Uber may have dropped a pin or perhaps they're smart enough not to give out their addresses until people arrive, who knows.

He's admitted he spent the money on the escort now, trawling websites they appear have an hourly rate of £100, all sorts of services listed. Strip tease being the tamest. Would they even allow 4 men in a room with 1 woman? I'm not sure if they would - wouldn't they want them all to pay individually? And reduce the risk of getting attacked in a scenario where they are outnumbered?

The photo he took without her consent. It taken from a bedroom door. She's leaning over a stair bannister. Checking his exit is clear I assume. Not sure why. Can't see anything identifying to pick her out on a website.

He was there 05.05-05.50ish or that was the uber times anyway. Still says it was just a strip tease and he thinks other men were there but can't remember the taxi journey being shared. As if they all went separately.

I've poured over the details. The cash point stop was clearly made in the taxi after calling me. He says he doesn't know why he called me as he knows my PIN! He's still here. In the spare room. Wants to try and make it up to me. I don't know how he can even begin to. His family are now fully aware and being supportive of me, but of us both I imagine. They're not the sort to turn their back on him. He's started with other reasons now as to why he got in such as state, said he should of spoke to someone about how he was feeling first (general shit, I told him when I felt like that I went and started antidepressants I didn't throw him under a bus).

It's just so disgusting. I guess I would never of been 100% surprised if he had some drunken fuck on a work trip, big night out or whatever. But this is so seedy and calculated it feels so much worse. There was also a strip club 10 mins away open until 6am. I would of been ok with that (well not 100% but I can cope on the very odd occasion), but that was clearly not what he went looking for. And found. He's going for STI screening. I will too, but by default if he's clear I will be. That's going to take 12 weeks plus result time for some of the blood borne viruses.

Itemised phone bill Coming but not before Christmas. Three were the most unhelpful twats about it. He was giving them his permission as account holder but it still took me 3 hours trying to get through to them.

I just need to get through Christmas and come up with a longer term plan for the new year.

I'm never going to know what happened because he won't admit to anything I can't prove. Can spin a few convincing lines then I remember how calculated it all was and how he cannot possibly of been out of his mind drunk in order to manage it. Tears over the kids etc. It was mistake, he's sorry. He wants us to be the way we used to be (pre kids?!). Thinks we're stronger than this.

Not sure when I get to the place when I'm
Past the shock and can start piecing my life back together. I guess that's not something anyone can tell me either.

You've been a great support in helping me see what otherwise I'd be tempted to deny and listen to him. But if I was anyone else I know what my advice would be.

Course it was sex.

Oh you poor thing, he has treated you so horribly. I could have guaranteed that he would trot out the fact he was 'feeling depressed', it's part of the script. He's also very reluctantly only revealing details when absolutely left with no choice, and even then desperately trying to minimise them e.g. okay, so yes I booked an escort but it's okay because she only stripped for me.

When you look at the facts his behaviour was calculated, controlled and organised. He was booking Ubers. Booking an escort online. Using cash points. Emailing photos to himself. Deleting his texting history.

Does this sound like the behaviour of a man who was so hopelessly drunk that he has barely any memories of the evening and was confused and distraught by 'depression.'? He is totally playing you and it sounds like it's working. You say 'you will never know'. But you know for a fact that he booked an escort and travelled to her house. Really, there isn't anything more you need to know or prove. There really isn't. You're clinging onto split hairs and half truths.

You deserve so much more.

He is STILL minimizing,lying and obstructing you from the truth. He is the reason chumplady.com exists. He is delusional to think you both will be just like you were before. See a divorce attorney and take advice. I know you want to make it through the holidays but you don't have to have him around you tell him to move out and tell the children he's on a business trip.

So very sorry to read your update.

He’s a sleazy liar but as you say, it’s easy to view and advise from a neutral standpoint, so much harder when you’re in that situation.

If you can make it through christmas on autopilot for the children then do. Make sure he supports you practically, be demanding, stop cooking and washing for him if you already do these things.

With christmas behind you you can clear your head, explore your options (legally and otherwise) and move forwards without the pressure of the season.

I'm never going to know what happened because he won't admit to anything

You know what happened.

Honestly I'd give him hope.
Tell him there's only the slightest chance you could ever consider getting past this if he tells you the absolute whole truth.

Tell him he needs to answer every single question honestly and give you every single detail, and that if you find out a single thing more that he hasn't openly admitted to himself, he's gone.

You don't have to give him any more chances but if he wants one, the least he can do is be honest. It's the only way he'll even consider telling you the truth.