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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 11/12/2019 10:54

He sounds like he wants you to go through as much pain as possible. That is horrific in itself Shock.

I had a water birth with my second and am tremendously bonded with her Smile.

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:54

I completely agree with most of you. He is going to have to accept that if we do have a child together, that child is coming out of me the way I decide with my doctor/midwife.

OP posts:
KenDodd · 11/12/2019 10:55

Are you in the UK OP?

Depending on where you are in the world, he may get to dictate how you give birth and what pain relief you have.

GCAcademic · 11/12/2019 10:55

Well, I'm guessing that having kids with him is off the cards now, because no woman could ever bring themselves to have sex with such a backwards dimwit, right?

But just in case you can bring yourself to shag him, bear in mind that he'll only get worse once you're pregnant.

TheShepherdsCrown · 11/12/2019 10:55

He doesn't want a wife. He wants a slave that he can dominate and abuse.
You need a plan
Leave. The. Bastard.
I can appreciate it might take time. But speak to a solicitor and friends that you know can support you. Meanwhile it is vital to make sure that you are taking the pill (in secret, I suspect your pathetic husband wont approve and may try to sabotage contraception, here is one case where deception is necessary). Do not let this vile man become a father to your future children. Find a decent man. They do exist.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 11/12/2019 10:56

Incase you are wondering who voted YABU that was me. YACOMPLETLEYU to even think about having a child with this man.

MustardScreams · 11/12/2019 10:56

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM.

It will be the start of a fucking miserable life. Why would you want that?

littlepaddypaws · 11/12/2019 10:57

end of marriage imo, and certainly no dc with this idiot.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/12/2019 10:57

No vagina no opinion

This.

Once your OH has shown you that he has successfully fully inserted, and then removed, a full-size baseball up his left nostril, then it might be worth canvassing his opinion. And even then, still not his vagina, his womb, or his pain thresholds.

What are his views about raising children? Does he think there should be a lot of pain involved with that, too?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 11/12/2019 10:58

This has to be the most stupid thing I've ever read on this site. How can you even respect a man so dim and close minded? If you're hell bent on having this man's child you should know you can dictate who is allowed to be present at the birth, that includes whether the father is present. I recommend you ban him from the delivery room and do what is best for you. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to tolerate being in the same room as someone this opinionated for long, nevermind a relationship.

Honeybee85 · 11/12/2019 10:58

I wouldn’t even want to have a child with a man who thinks he has the right to decide what I do with my body.

JoGose · 11/12/2019 10:58

Don’t have kids with him!

AntiHop · 11/12/2019 10:58

I feel sick just reading this. I couldn't be with a man who treated me like this. I'm very worried for you about how it's going to be raising a child with him.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 11/12/2019 10:58

Yabvu to even consider having a child with this idiot.

Crispyturtle · 11/12/2019 10:58

I haven’t read any studies linking caesarean to PTSD / PND, but would suggest that if that is the case, it is likely the result of a difficult and traumatic labour which ended in caesarean, rather than the caesarean itself.

The bond you have with your child comes from spending time together, caring for your child & getting to know your child.

Tbh your partners attitude is really concerning. He clearly knows next to nothing about childbirth but feels he can dictate how you choose give birth. Is he like this in the rest of your relationship? I would think very carefully if you actually want to parent, and therefore be tied to, this man for the next 20-years. The more I read your post the more crackers his opinions become.

PersephoneOP · 11/12/2019 10:58

Please don't entertain this sexist behaviour, when it comes to how you labour and give birth it is entirely your decision (providing there is no medical emergency, in which case it still wouldn't be his decision, but your doctor's).

As PP have said, if he wants to grow a vagina and a womb and experience as intense a labour as possible, he is more than welcome to.

When it comes to your body, you need to be the one who makes the decisions.

One may ask why you are considering having a baby with someone who has such sexist views?

inwood · 11/12/2019 10:59

FUck that. Why are you having a child with him?

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 10:59

Does he have a vagina? If not he can fuck off having any opinion the controlling fuck.

I could tell DP I'm having it at the local swimming baths and he'd say 'yes dear, whatever you're happiest doing' because it's not his fanny.

orangeteal · 11/12/2019 10:59

Omg that man shouldn't be procreating.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 11/12/2019 11:00

I wouldn't have a child with someone who doesn't have any brain cells.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 11/12/2019 11:00

Don't try and use religion to justify his bullshit opinions.

I wouldn't have a child with him either.

Has he not considered that women who have c-sections might struggle a tiny bit because their whole fucking stomach is being torn open and they can't just jump up and grab their baby when it cries?

WeirdPookah · 11/12/2019 11:01

What a load of crap. His opinion on your body and birth are irrelevant. That line about needing pain is horrific and medieval. And not least misogynistic.

PJsatMidday · 11/12/2019 11:01

I had a 50+ hour birth with my first, very little pain relief. I was exhausted, got PND, and did not bond with her properly for a year.

I had an induced birth with epidural for my second. Just 7 hours and actually quite a jolly experience all in all. Bonded immediately.

No two experiences of birth are the same, different people react in different ways. You have not idea what is going to happen to you or how you will feel.

What you do have knowledge of, however, is that your husband is a controlling knobhead. This is a warning. Get out while you can, because once you have kids with him, you are screwed.

berryhigh · 11/12/2019 11:01

For heavens sakes don't have a baby with this appalling man.

This will only be the start of his controlling, sexist, disrespectful behaviour. You will be much more vulnerable when pregnant, post birth, trying to raise children.
Please leave him before all this happens.

Hoolahlah66 · 11/12/2019 11:02

No vagina, no opinion (in my opinion)