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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
MumW · 11/12/2019 10:47

He believes that the more pain you go through...
Easy for him to say. I've done both and much preffered the waterbirth. No problems bonding.
His point is ridiculous, I'd say the reverse is true.

I'd be seriously wondering whether we had a future. He clearly doesn't have your back and if you disagree with the birth then I foresee a lifetime of clashes.
Oh, you mustn't express, it'll confuse baby - you are tied to baby 24/7 without even the chance of a couple of baby free hours.
Oh, I think the DC will sleep better if we keep them up late - you get left dealing with the crankiness while he buggers off to work
I bet that disposable nappies are bad, they are but you'll be the one doing all the washing etc.
I could go on...

Run for the hills

edwinbear · 11/12/2019 10:48

Traditionally, he shouldn't even be present, so how will he even know?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/12/2019 10:48

Im actually confused as to how a water birth isnt natural????
Its a natural birth in water...

adaline · 11/12/2019 10:48

And you want to have children with him...why?!

Lunafortheloveogod · 11/12/2019 10:48

He’s aware they physically cut you open for a csection? Like it’ll hurt like absolute hell once the pain killers wear off if you don’t take anything else..

And that unless you go for the primal hut where you yank on his balls to share the pain he’ll have no bond with the child. If you still want children with this idiot I’d go for the nut hut method...

Pain doesn’t equal bond, stigma of “not having a proper birth” probably does more for pnd than pain killers.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 11/12/2019 10:49

He had no idea. Having had 2 sections I can assure you it is NOT the easy pain free birth he assumes. I could barely walk after mine and it is major surgery!

Should you even be having kids with this man?!

AlexaShutUp · 11/12/2019 10:49

Please don't have children with this man, OP.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 11/12/2019 10:49

I urge you not to have children with this man.

newbingepisodes · 11/12/2019 10:49

I wouldn't be having a kid with a man who has such outdated wierd views and who has no respect for what you want to do with your body!

Ponoka7 · 11/12/2019 10:50

He's reading the research wrongly.

The evidence shows that women who have traumatic births, c sections and don't get to spend the first hours after birth with their babies, often struggle.

Which means the best thing is to pick a method that will make the process easier. For some that might be a elective Cs, or pain relief from the start, for others, my DD included, a water birth was the preferred method.

If you have a daughter, what will he impose on her? You need to think carefully. He's saying that he owns you, which is in keeping to his traditional beliefs, but equates to a crap life for a DD, or a DS who may be gay/non traditional. I've even seen disabled children suffer, because the Father has decided that he doesn't believe in certain disabilities.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 11/12/2019 10:50

It literally has fuck all to do with him how you deliver your baby. How dare he tell you that he won't forgive you if you don't do it his way with maximum pain. Honest to god, I don't know how you haven't punched him right in the bollocks for those comments. Wwhat a complete tosser.

extremity1 · 11/12/2019 10:50

Sorry to sound harsh but if you cant agree on this how will you agree or more importantly compromise in regards to actual parenting? 2 parents at odds = 1 confused child. His values dont seem to be in line with yours which can be a major issue.

Ultimately, it is your choice on how and where you give birth. Please bear in mind though that sometimes the choice is taken out of your hands if something goes wrong.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/12/2019 10:50

Erm is this for real? He sounds like a total dick. Your body, your choice, he does not get a say. You're the one who has to squeeze something the size of a melon out of your hoo-ha. And if you want my advice, get ALL of the drugs. Childbirth fucking hurts. A lot.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2019 10:50

I'm dumbfounded that you've even married a man like this. Have his baby and the rest of your life will be a nightmare.

Oldfail · 11/12/2019 10:50

Wow.....

Thing with birth plans is that they can go awry anyway.

1st birth I wanted water.... I only got into the room before I had to go back home. When I finally was ready baby was stubborn and I ended up with full spinal in surgery being prepped in case I needed a c section. Whole experience was horrid and took 4 days

2nd birth because only first trauma I was due to have an early epidural.... didn't need it baby came in 36 minutes on gas and air.

My dh was on board with what I needed and was my advocate. I trusted him to make decisions for me and the baby which would keep us safe and alive.

If you cant trust your dh to make the right decisions including medical intervention to the extreme but you want a baby with him then I would seriously consider a different birthing partner.

It's your body and your decision and who ever is supporting you needs to do just that.

MagicMojito · 11/12/2019 10:50

Leaving the hypethetical baby issue aside. This man has no concern to your wellbeing, your opinions on your own body, your own medical preferences....wtf, why are you with him? Does it not frighten you that he has said these things so openly without realising how wrong it is?

willowmelangell · 11/12/2019 10:50

Does he expect you to go back to work after 3 days with your baby in a sling? Where does he get his antiquated views from? Utter madness.

ConstanceL · 11/12/2019 10:50

He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby wtf?!
Sorry but your husband is a moron. I am a c section baby as is my son and I haven't ever I felt I could be any more bonded to him or my mother. If you needed emergency surgery during childbirth, would your husband rather you 'naturally' died instead. Please don't reproduce with this misogynist idiot. Can you imagine how he would behave towards any daughter you might have? Count your blessings that you found out what he is really like before you had children with him.

formerbabe · 11/12/2019 10:51

What a twat.

My dh never really expressed any opinion on childbirth...apart from agreeing with me that I didn't want a homebirth when the midwife suggested it.

I ended up having a water birth in a birth centre attached to a hospital. It was lovely.

Does he realise water births aren't necessarily home births?

ChaiNashta · 11/12/2019 10:52

If he's an Arab Muslim, please direct him to the chapter Surah Maryam in the Quran where Mary gives birth to Jesus sat in a stream and pulling on a palm tree. Perhaps then he can understand what women 'Have been doing for 1000's of years.

HoHoHolly · 11/12/2019 10:52

Two things. Firstly quit arguing with stupid. This is your birth, not his. There is plenty of time for him to come to understand this in the months of your pregnancy, and if he doesn't then he simply won't be allowed near you on the labour ward.

Secondly, for your own sake you need to accept that you might not get a water birth. In my NCT class people ended up with epidurals, continuous internal monitoring, CS, the water birth room being occupied are all sorts of things that took water birth off the table. However the main thing is they got through it and their babies arrived safely. At the end of the day that is all that really matters. Your DH being idiotic is not a reason for you to be denied it, of course, but there are lots of other good reasons why you might not get one, mostly to do with keeping your baby safe.

PrayingandHoping · 11/12/2019 10:52

Think ahead OP.... he's like this over childbirth. What is he going to be like raising a child with???? He's a my way or the highway. Your opinion doesn't count

No way would I consider having a child with someone what dictatorial.

TheTrollFairy · 11/12/2019 10:53

I can assure you a c-section is very painful during recovery.

What a load of old shite, more pain = better bonding. More pain can actually add to a mother’s detachment from a child

LolaSmiles · 11/12/2019 10:53

He thinks the more pain a woman goes through, the better bond she has with baby?

Fuck that! He dismisses your feelings about your body and thinks he has a say in how you manage pain.

Winterdaysarehere · 11/12/2019 10:54

I would be asking what sort of traditional child rearing methods he would be using also.
Circumcision? Smacking? Cane? Child labour?
I would file for divorce based on what he has suggested already tbh.