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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 11/12/2019 10:42

Don't have children with this man, he's telling you who he is. He actively wants you to be in excruciating pain.

Honestly, I'm not being glib - leave him and find someone who's not such a misogynistic twat. "Laying you eggs" indeed - we're not fucking birds!

rainylake · 11/12/2019 10:42

When he is the one to go through pregnancy and birth he can have views on the best way to do it.

Given that it will be you doing it, the only appropriate course of action for him when you are bearing his child is to shut the fuck up, express his awe over your pregnant and birthing body, and support you in your choices. I would tell him I'm seriously reconsidering having a child with a man who thinks he gets the final say over my bodily autonomy and my choice of birth and pain relief.

If he is seriously saying he would rather use a surrogate than allow you to plan the birth you want, I would be extremely concerned about his attitude to you during pregnancy and maternity leave more generally. It sounds like he values his own opinions on things very highly and doesn't give a shit about how you feel, which is not a quality you want in a man you are potentially making yourself vulnerable with.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 11/12/2019 10:42

Also women died giving birth for thousands of years. Us he okay with that too? More pain = better bonding. Make sure you're hitting his hand with a hammer throughout the birth so he can bond through pain. What a fuckwit he is.
Please tell your midwife all of this. It could signal a shift towards coercive control and your health team need to know so they can provide the support needed.

MilkLady02 · 11/12/2019 10:42

Does he know you might not get a choice re c section if it’s required medically at the time? But yes, it’s your decision, will he physically stop you getting into the water?

churchandstate · 11/12/2019 10:43

Eh? Tell him he can give birth however he likes. Why does he think he has to defend his choices to you? And vice versa.

PooWillyBumBum · 11/12/2019 10:43

Oh god, as the daughter of a traditional Arab Muslim...good luck. It makes me appreciate my mild mannered, kind and respectful English husband every day!

If he is that traditional would he even be around for the birth?! My mum had to persuade my dad to even attend!

mencken · 11/12/2019 10:43

is this really the best you can do? Please don't breed more of him.

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2019 10:43

You're not pregnant, it's not too late to run op
Take this as a sign and leave him

dazzlingdeborahrose · 11/12/2019 10:43

On reflection. Do not have a child with this man.

Lllot5 · 11/12/2019 10:43

This is blatant nonsense any one can see this. When he is giving birth he can choose.
I would worry what other bullshit he will spout once the baby is here tbh.
Any other pearls of wisdom?

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 11/12/2019 10:43

I agree with everyone, are you really sure you want to have a baby with this man? Will you butt heads again if you have a daughter and his ‘traditional views’ Are at the forefront again?
It’s your body, your choice! I wouldn’t even have him in the room tbh!

MidnightCircus · 11/12/2019 10:44

Following the logic of more pain = better bond, does that mean he wouldn't ever bond with his child then? Seeing as he wouldn't feel any of the pain.

elfsocksandsnowboots · 11/12/2019 10:44

I wouldn't have a baby with a man who thought he could tell me what to do with my body.

Being kind, perhaps he's grossly uneducated about birth and would benefit from doing some research.

Being more realistic it sounds like he thinks he owns you and your body. It is literally nothing to do with him. He's there as the support act.

What's he going to do if you need a planned or emergency CS? Or an epidural, induction or forceps?

Whatever either of you decide you 'want' there are no certainties when it comes to birth. You can plan all you want but what happens, happens and you need to accept that in order for you and baby to be safe at the end of it you need to get on with whatever is deemed safest for you both.

What's going to happen if you decide you want to FF and he wants you to BF or vice versa? Or any other decision that is really yours to make, not his? Yes lots of child raising related decisions are joint, but during pregnancy and the early days, most of them are the mothers choice and Dad should be supportive of that.

Please think carefully about having a baby with this man, unless he does a drastic about turn in his attitude.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 11/12/2019 10:44

I dont mean this in the way it may sound op, but what kind of attitude will he take with you if you don’t give him a son as his first born, when he clearly won’t listen to reason on your birth choice?

Be VERY careful with your decisions to have a child with this man if your birth choice is such a major gripe for him and you’re not even pregnant yet.

Bluebutterfly90 · 11/12/2019 10:44

Yeah OP on further reading, just throw the entire man out.
This is an entire parade of red flags.

Grape0 · 11/12/2019 10:44

What a pig.

Definitely do not have a child with this man. If he's this controlling of you, imagine if you have a little girl and how controlling he will be of her. Do you really want that for your child?

Celebelly · 11/12/2019 10:45

If you have a child with this man, you are a fool. He's telling you quite clearly what kind of man he is, so listen to him. If you do have a child with him, then you can't say you didn't know what he was going to be like!

PizzaExpressWoking · 11/12/2019 10:45

Well, this is your massive, massive alarm bell going off, telling you to get as far away from this man as possible and never have kids with him.

lily2403 · 11/12/2019 10:45

I wouldn't have discussed it with him in the first place....your body, your labour, your decision

Rainycloudyday · 11/12/2019 10:45

Well he’s shown you what a twat he is, now it’s up to you whether you decide to go ahead and get pregnant by him. No doubt you will, and you’ll be back on here with far more to complain about soon enough because this is just the start of it. Can you imagine actually attempting to raise a child with this bloke if this is how he discusses childbirth? I’m speechless that anyone would choose to procreate with such an absolute moron.

Goawayquickly · 11/12/2019 10:45

Your husband is a twat. I’m sorry. If you have his baby you’d be a fool.

elliemcx · 11/12/2019 10:46

what's it to do with him? You do whatever feels better for your body. Tell him to jog on!!! The cheek...

KurriKurri · 11/12/2019 10:46

Leave him. Seriously leave him - have a baby with someone sane.
This man thinks
a) you are an uncubator
b) you are HIS incubator

I imagine this attitude that you are a possession he controls permeates all his behaviour towards you.

If you do decide to stay with him and have a baby - don't invite him to the birth - that's a privilege bestowed by you, not his right.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2019 10:46

Op why are you married to him and contemplating having children with him?
He's prefer a surrogate over respe ting your rights to do with your body as you choose??

Menora · 11/12/2019 10:47

My biggest concern is that he sees you as an object not a person. I would not want to have a child with him