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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
Klinkerbell · 24/10/2021 15:50

Just read your update. Well done OP! I'm very happy for youFlowers

LittleGwyneth · 24/10/2021 15:58

I'm so sorry to say this and I never usually do - but are you sure you want to have a baby with this person?

Bingbong21 · 24/10/2021 16:03

@littleGwyneth read the thread/update

Singinghollybob · 24/10/2021 16:15

@MacMahon
Yes, drives me mad!
Even if they don't want to read the whole thread or even just the OP's posts, don't they notice the date on the original OP?
I'd think if somebody is posting something from 2019 it's probably not a situation that's still happening now, so why don't they read/think before they post??!

Ozanj · 24/10/2021 16:22

@soshnomore

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different. Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth. He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND. It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation. "I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"." I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me. I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it". Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?
Others opinions about your childbirth don’t matter even if they are an obstetrician or midwive. You can manage this birth in any way you deem fit. If you want a waterbirth you can certainly request one & provided you are healthy enough the midwives will provide it to you.
CFarraigeC · 24/10/2021 16:24

I am glad to read your update @soshnomore I am sorry about the divorce but at least you didn’t tie yourself to him with children. A man holding that kind of view is definitely a big red flag. Good luck in the future. I hope you meet someone lovely.

vajingleberry · 24/10/2021 16:24

Seeing comments from posters who can't be arsed reading the thread or at the very least the updates is a good way of filtering out those whose advice is best ignored.

Rainallnight · 24/10/2021 16:25

Wow, OP, amazing update! Bravo to you Flowers

KitchenKrisis · 24/10/2021 16:47

On sure it's already been said but I couidnt have a child with such a man nor allow him to have children and possibly daughters. He sounds insane and sadistic.

vajingleberry · 24/10/2021 16:55

@KitchenKrisis

On sure it's already been said but I couidnt have a child with such a man nor allow him to have children and possibly daughters. He sounds insane and sadistic.
It's been said many, many times since 2019 and is still being trotted out even though the OP has kindly updated to say that the marriage is over and they are divorcing.
Honeypickle · 24/10/2021 16:58

Hurray for you OP! Well done!

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2021 21:47

Massive red flag. Do not have children with him until he grows up.

Newmumatlast · 26/10/2021 21:48

Posted too soon thought I'd seen all updates! Glad to hear your updates OP x

TracyLords · 26/10/2021 21:56

Delighted that you left the bastard

ChaToilLeam · 26/10/2021 22:02

So happy to read your update! 😃

Roo0996 · 26/10/2021 22:08

This sounds like very controlling behaviour...my concern would be that even if this issue is resolved he may have other very stubborn and uncompromising views on how you parent the child etc. As far as the birth goes though...I really don’t think he gets a vote. The only exception to this would be if he had a concern about safety...my husband didn’t want me to get a home birth as he was terrified of something going wrong. He still said he’d respect my decision..just urged me to think it through very carefully.

Also you can assure him that you’ll be in sufficient pain with a water birth if this is necessary for a bond! Ive had one and it certainly helps manage pain but it’s no epidural! Obviously I think this is nonsense though

Roo0996 · 26/10/2021 22:10

Oops, sorry missed the update!

Mystery0723 · 27/10/2021 05:24

In my opinion, you are the one giving birth, not him and you should choose what's right for you. If you think a water birth would be better for you, I say go with that. If he wants to be mad, that's his problem, not yours.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 27/10/2021 06:00

It’s not up to him - end of. If you want a water birth then do it, same with epidural etc.

Bumtum126 · 27/10/2021 06:12

Read the fucking updates !

Whatcameoutofme · 27/10/2021 06:18

Oh please don't have a baby with this man! Please realise his views are not OK and so sexist and outdated, he will make you and your children miserable in the end.

Whatcameoutofme · 27/10/2021 06:20

Oops sorry!

Gymohithoughtyousaidgin · 27/10/2021 06:55

Tell him that his opinion will count when he can birth his own child!

RedHelenB · 27/10/2021 06:57

You're seriously ttc with him? Unless its his sense of humour to wind you up and you know 100% he will be supportive throughout pg, birth and as a Dad ysbvu to have a baby with him.

Boobeedoo · 27/10/2021 07:16

So pleased to read your update OP. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!

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