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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disagree with husband about childbirth

654 replies

soshnomore · 11/12/2019 10:34

So I'm not pregnant but hoping to be in the next few months. I have previously told OH I would ideally like a water birth, which he was totally against. He is very much of the opinion that a 'normal birth on land' has worked for 1000s of years so why should I want to do something different.
Last night I brought it up again after reading a study that showed water births can decrease tearing and generally improve a mother's wellbeing during childbirth.
He believes that the more pain you go through, the better your bond with your baby, and cites statistics about mothers who have c-sections being more likely to develop PTSD or PND.
It's like debating with a child. He doesn't listen to my point of view or really take my feelings into consideration at all in the situation.
"I'd rather we find a woman who will carry your egg and give a normal birth than choosing to "lay my eggs in water when they should be laid in a nest"."
I mean come on... He basically said if I had a water birth he would never forgive me.
I've said we can speak to a doctor or a midwife and seek their advice but he is dead set against it and has "had his last word on it".
Am I being unreasonable to think that ultimately the way I give birth is my decision, and he should have more consideration for how I will feel in this whole thing?

OP posts:
LaBellina · 24/10/2021 08:22

These views told you everything you needed to know about what kind of a man he is…glad you took the right decision op.
Best wishes xxx

spotcheck · 24/10/2021 08:22

Wow, what a happy ending!
Good luck OP
Better things are waiting for you ☺️

saleorbouy · 24/10/2021 08:23

You haven't conceived yet and you're arguing about how you are going to birth. Sounds like a lovely way to TTC....!
Even if you elect for a water birth there's a high chance it might not happen depending on both yours and you babies medical status during birth and if the birthing suite is available.
You're arguing over a choice that on the day might not materialise, and is insignificant in raising and parenting a child.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/10/2021 08:36

So glad you’ve escaped. Hope you are able to find a partner who treats you as you deserve.

saleorbouy · 24/10/2021 08:36

Just read the full thread, hope you find someone who truly appreciates and respects you. All the best.

londonrach · 24/10/2021 08:37

He has strange views. Don't have children with him. Re the birth ...your body, your choice and pain makes no difference to the bonding process.

londonrach · 24/10/2021 08:39

Well done op for walking away from him and I hope you find someone who loved you as you meant to be loved x

Lonecatwithkitten · 24/10/2021 08:41

A LOT happened before and since. I've always seen myself as a take no shit kinda person, but I guess I didn't realise it was happening because like I said that's my husband and he loves me and only wants the best for me
Well done for getting out before you had a baby you can now move on and meet someone who loves and cares for you as an equal. So many men don't reveal their true colours until later.

Bingbong21 · 24/10/2021 08:42

Op I am so pleased to see your update. You've done amazing to see him for what he is and to free yourself. Well done Flowers

Jazzles2021 · 24/10/2021 08:46

I'm married to an Arab man, and he's not a complete tosser so that doesn't excuse it!

And anyway, if he's that traditional he won't want to be in the room and you can do whatever you want. Ridiculous.

Caelus · 24/10/2021 08:47

WTAF. Do not have children with him. What sort of unreasonable conditions will he feel he can impose on you once there are children - not to mention on them.

Jazzles2021 · 24/10/2021 08:48

Oh just seen update, good for you.

Caelus · 24/10/2021 08:49

Sorry! Had not RTFT... 😳

Rugsofhonour · 24/10/2021 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/10/2021 08:53

He doesn't sound mature enough to be a parent, this is a massive red flag.

MacMahon · 24/10/2021 08:53

Why do so many people comment after they have only read the first post? confused I didn't read the whole thread, but it's easy enough to read all of the OP's posts!

It's a form of narcissism.

FOJN · 24/10/2021 09:03

I didn't see the thread when you originally posted but I am so pleased and relived to see your update. I hope you have the chance now to live a good life.

You are not alone in being a "take no shit" kind of person and still missing all the red flags of an abusive arsehole. It all seems so obvious after the event but at the time it's impossible to see the behaviour for what it is even when other people point it out. After a relationship like that you do have some immunity to awful men, well, that's my experience anyway.

Lockdownbear · 24/10/2021 09:05

Op well done in taking the brave step to leave. I'm glad you felt enabled to do it and I hope your family and friends were supportive in your decision.

Wishing you all the best for your future and I hope you meet a decent guy who'll truly love and support you.

To the man in the video - what a controlling a-hole - I hope your DW gets lots of support from elsewhere.

vajingleberry · 24/10/2021 09:11

@Rugsofhonour

I wouldn’t stay with my husband if he said what yours has said to you.
@Rugsofhonour Good job she didn't then. This thread is from 2019. Maybe try reading the updates.
Chocaholic9 · 24/10/2021 09:15

So glad to see you left him, OP.

I read this thread for the first time today and this "I want you in maximum amount of pain so you bond well with our child" shit, is one of the most disturbing things that I've read on Mumsnet.

Only someone with an extremely warped mind would say something like that.

Fundays12 · 24/10/2021 09:17

Tell him to beat it. I healed better and was far better mentally after my 3rd birth. It was an elective c section as baby was breach. The 2nd brith took much longer to heal from. Your body and your choice. Trauma in birth can cause long term mental health issues and post natal maybe a good thing to point out but in all honesty if this is how he is about giving birth i would be questioning having kids with him at all.

Fundays12 · 24/10/2021 09:18

Just read your update well done on leaving OP.

MrsToothyBitch · 24/10/2021 09:30

Glad for you, OP. Without sounding trite, I think it all worked out for the best and hope you get to build a wonderful life.

Perhaps his future holds bladder or kidney stones. I wish him a consultant who really advocates trying to pass them naturally... no pain killers allowed.

PegasusReturns · 24/10/2021 09:39

Brilliant update and thanks for coming back.

WowtheMuggles · 24/10/2021 09:47

Amazing news OP.

At first I was confused by the zombie thread.

Wish more people updated like this.

Hope you find someone wonderful to have children with.

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