SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

The point housing is that the kids are the OP's brother's too not just SILs. That isn't feminist but pure legal fact that he is an equal parent.

housunghelp I agree.

I am LOL that it is other women who the SIL expects to do free childcare, and expects her employers, the NHS and her team, to pick up the extra half hour.

I am also perturbed by the OP’s description of the children being exhausted and unsettled. I would be reluctant to be part of a chaotic system that meant children were not in their own homes, had late and mixed up bedtimes etc. Being picked up at 9pm would have been way too late for my kids on a school night, and led to much unhappiness if it happened regularly.

Poor kids.

(I have always worked f/t and difficult hours: did it with team work with DH and regular, familiar, loved, paid childcare in our / the kids home. It cost us, of course, but it was an investment in family stability and our ongoing professional development which was worth it in later years. Having kids means you can’t have it all)

Tea the brother is an equal parent and according to the OP is happy to pay for childcare to facilitate her shifts but the SIL thinks family should do it for free so they can save the money. She's just a CF, plain and simple.

Tea yes, but the point is also that the other parent has said ‘pay for childcare’. But the SIL refuses, and also has encouraged him to work away because she liked the ££ he makes. She wants it every which way.

"it's not cheeky. Its family"
family members can be the CFers going, and are usually the ones who can't cope with 'no'. My SiL is expert at this, no is a foreign language.

Typical for some on MN, she should do the job she wants and the hours she wants and DH should be made to ditch his job and lower the family income to enable her dream to do night shifts otherwise he's nothing but a sexist, selfish twat. Meanwhile in the real world, many people work away, people have to go where the work is! that goes for so many types of work and its no way specific to men or to working on rigs. Its not like SIL can't do the job she wants, but working nights without a proper childcare plan is madness.

And DB will pay for childcare, it isn't even needed all the time, DB does it when home. If she really wants to do this job and these hours paying for childcare is the solution, not free ad hoc care which inconveniences others. Your sisters have the measure of her. YANBU.

Why are people so against helping others out??? The SIL is going to work to try provide for her family she’s not going away on her own for a pamper weekend??!!! If she didn’t work people would give out too. Me my sis and my bro have 8 kids between us aged 11 down to 1, we all work n we help each other out daily so none of us pay for childcare. These kids are your family too not some strangers.

also, for responsible parents who both work, childcare is the priority to organise and cost for, not a afterthought to expect for free.

You, DB and the rest of your family appear to understand this, why doesn't the DC own mother?

@Tablechair1981 nothing wrong at all with helping out. if you live close enough to your family, all your jobs and working hours make it possible and you're all totally happy with the arrangement (no grumbling anonymously on an internet forum) the stars are in alignment and you're very fortunate.

SIL is a CF. As for nights , she is taking the mick. I have worked in the NHs for years and have been a senior manager and dealt with many staffs various requests. All SIL had to do in relation to working nights is let her manager know when she is available to do nights....I.e when her DH is home from the rigs . She hasn’t bothered discussing with her boss and has simply assumed you would be having her DC over night.... there is such a thing as a flexible working policy for a reason

Tablechair81 Have you actually read the OP's posts? She's pregnant and works full time daylight hours and her SIL gets off after she's due to start work. Her brother is willing to pay for childcare but SIL doesn't want to pay anyone and rather burden her family! Your situation is irrelevant

I would gladly look after a family members kids while they went on a pamper weekend. But a regular overnight arrangement that would impact arriving at my own job on time while pregnant? Not a chance.

You've gone far above and beyond already. They (her and the H) have to decide what is going on. If she takes on a role committing to hours where paid childcare cannot be found he will have to change his working conditions. My husband works away and unpredictably so I have to work minimally and have to turn down opportunities because the children are our responsibility he can earn more so that's how we compromise. There's no way she can commit to a job with those hours if her husband cannot support her to do that and theyre not paying for the childcare to catch the slack. Family members should not be doing childcare regularly.

God, some people here are either really thick, or being deliberately goady.

Could he work onshore and get a job on less money because if he could go back to offshore work later this may be a way forward.

I thought you said you'd read the thread? SIL DOES NOT WANT HIM TO GIVE UP THIS JOB!

She also DOESN'T WANT TO PAY FOR CHILDCARE. She is greedy, and wants all the money that he earns, and her wages, and not spend any of it on childcare. She thinks her husband's family should look after her children for free.

@Niki93 there are always posters on AIBU who like to give the OP a kicking, (and in this case, your brother too), so they will selectively pick posts apart to support their narrative, and ignore anything that proves them wrong. Just ignore them. It's not worth wasting time trying to explain yourself to them, they won't change their minds.

@EKGEMS yes I have read them and I wasn’t just replying to the OP. I was commenting about the huge number of people on this that seem allergic to helping family members. I do understand that helping out works both ways and yes there are certainly people who take the piss.

I thought you said you'd read the thread? SIL DOES NOT WANT HIM TO GIVE UP THIS JOB!

That's right but SIL doesn't want to give up hers either lots of people are telling her to. DB doesn't want to give up either but SIL is told to give up hers to facilitate DB.

The DH is apparently willing to pay for childcare but he hasn't done anything to arrange or work out exactly how this will work and is leaving it all to SIL. He needs to get off his arse and do this. It's not as simple as just paying either - he is home a lot of the time so the childcare will need to be highly flexible. They will find it a challenge to make paid childcare work.

They are a pair of cheeky fuckers who are as bad as each other expecting other people (in DB's case SIL) to pick up the slack for them. Then SIL alone gets it in the neck.

She doesn’t need to give up her job at all! She has options.

@Pumpkinspicewhatever

Your sister is a right beauty to be using and abusing you like that

People who like and respect you, don't use you like that.

Actually, there isn't a single person in this world, family or otherwise, that I care enough about to be imposed upon, like you are.

Not fun for your husband and children either!

I woukd do it but the difficult thing is, hospital shifts are notorious for finishing late and I think I'd be in a flap every time they stayed over

The fact your DB has suggested to pay childcare and she has shut it down is the biggest pisstake.

She's not going to want DB to change career and earn less.
She doesn't want to change nursing area.
She doesn't want to get childcare

She expects her MIL & SIL who also work and is pregnant to accommodate her choices with no prior discussion.

It does seem very deliberate " I'll accept the job and then everyone will just have to drop everything and help me"

She needs to suck it and compromise having kids means you can't have everything all at once unfortunately,

Her options are either change jobs or lose some money to Childcare. That's it. No other scenario.

You and your DM are not in anyway involved in that decision do not feel bad

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO GIVE UP HER JOB! SHE HAS OTHER OPTIONS. IT'S SIL WHO DOESN'T WANT HER DH TO CHANGE HIS JOB.

Either pay for childcare, work bank when her DH is home, or work in another department.

Her DH is not the one in the wrong here. This is all on her.

@Teateaandmoretea what on fucking earth are you not getting here?? NO ONE HAS TOLD HER SHE CANT DO HER JOB OR WORK! She just needs to change the hours?? Which is managable, better for her AND her kids?

@motoko you’re absolutely right. People arent reading it all (which i get, its so long) but im not explaining it anymore 😂 people are set in their ways. Cant see past other peoples logic🤷🏽‍♀️

@Teateaandmoretea if anything we supported her immensely to get a degree/job, but explained it needs to be a socialble hours job for the kids because if she wants my brother to continue raking the money in then she needs to chip in too! As previous posts have said, its compromising! Which he has already done for her!! Now she needs to pull her finger out and sort a solution, work less, work in a different area, do bank, pay childcare. Lots of options!

I personally wouldnt have accepted a job if it meant my children were having to be palmed off here there and everywear and couldnt even sleep in their own beds. Its too much to ask of them! But thats just my way of thinking. I certainly wont be doing that with my child. Il be changing my hours. Cause thats life...il accept a pay cut. Because i have a child on the way and need to spend that time with them which means more to me than work. Would seem pointless to ask my partner to change his job when financially he earns more? Thats the compromise for us. She will not compromise but shes going to have to. So straight forward.

Yeah @Niki93. I'm going to take my own advice now!

@housinghelp101 and @BlouseAndSkirt you are both bang on and are explaining the exact points i tried to explain ages ago but to some they just cant fathom the logistics x

nik what are you not getting the children are half your brother's responsibility.

Yanbu to not want to look after them but it's totally unreasonable to not hold him to account too! Jeez whether his wife wants him to work off shore or not the children are still half his responsibility. Basic principle that isn't hard to get!