SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

but to some they just cant fathom the logistics x

We can fathom the logistics perfectly thanks but it isn't just SIL who is the issue your 'perfect' Db is playing his part too!

The DH is apparently willing to pay for childcare but he hasn't done anything to arrange or work out exactly how this will work and is leaving it all to SIL

Except that when he suggested paying for childcare she refused. He's now supposed to go ahead and do Skype interviews with a night nanny from a rig then send her into his family home? Then we'd be howling for SIL to leave the controlling bastard. I'm as staunchly feminist as they come and even I can't see the anti-feminism in this story.

This family have a number of options (being clear that SIL is only available for night-shift when the husband is on-shore, paying for childcare with family money, keeping up the number of clinical hours via another route) but all have been refused by an obstinate and greedy person.

No, OP, yanbu. The whole situation is nuts.

@Teateaandmoretea so is he constantly havingg to change his job every time she wants to up and change her mind on a career? So he now needs to do it again?? Hes already sacrificed more for her! For HIS kids, so now HER responsibility is to do her ‘HALF’ of the responsibility to make some minir changes, does that make sense to you? No? Its ok you really dont get the logistics but thats fine xx

Why is it her decision? The children need looking after he is onshore a lot of the time to arrange. His sister can't be expected to do it, simple but seemingly she is.

I agree SIL sounds idiotic but DB and the culture that looking after children is the responsibility of women rather than the male offshore workers are not helping either.

I get the logistics perfectly.

He has changed one family unfriendly job for another assuming women will pick up the slack for him. This is seen as his massive 'compromise'

His wife wants the money from his offshore job but also wants to persue her own career in nursing via another family unfriendly job. She thinks you should look after their children to facilitate both.

Neither are willing to budge, he will pay for fictional childcare that would be impossible to arrange anyway but not actually do anything towards it. They both think they can dump their kids on you.

OP it isn't your circus or your monkeys, they need to sort their childcare out between them. But the children are half his responsibility so it isn't just up to SIL it is up to him as well regardless of his wife wanting the money from his job.

I don't understand what is so hard to grasp about that.

So has she not changed one family unfriendly job to also go into another family unfreidnly job? By going from army to night shifts? No? Just him?

They changed jobs, at her request. She wanted him to go for that job for finacial gain to afford their lifestyle. But that means he’s not taking responsibility for his children? But she’ll do night shifts and also not take responsibility for the childcare for the children? Yet he’s the issue? Baffled at your logic.

Your finding it so hard to understand that her changing a minor part of her job hours would be so much easier and much more beneficial than him changing his whole job and career, for the second time.

someone's certainly struggling with their grasp on this. I don't think its the OP or her DB.

So has she not changed one family unfriendly job to also go into another family unfreidnly job? By going from army to night shifts? No? Just him?

Yes quite, they are as bad as each other and both trying to put their parental responsibilities into others. Nowhere have I said SIL is being reasonable, I don't think she is.

They changed jobs, at her request. She wanted him to go for that job for finacial gain to afford their lifestyle. But that means he’s not taking responsibility for his children? But she’ll do night shifts and also not take responsibility for the childcare for the children? Yet he’s the issue? Baffled at your logic.

Again, they are both the issue. Neither of them is willing to compromise their job to take care of the children that are their responsibility jointly. The past or why he took that job doesn't change that he is 50% responsible as she is.

Your finding it so hard to understand that her changing a minor part of her job hours would be so much easier and much more beneficial than him changing his whole job and career, for the second time.

It isn't really our decision is it? Not our circus. Perhaps this job really matters to SIL in the short term to get the experience she needs for later. It's a decision they need to make jointly. It isn't anyone else's business. But they need to make sure their children are looked after and that is 50% of each their responsibilities, not just SIL's.

Your responsibility is zero, clearly and you need to concentrate on your own partner and baby. They sort their lives and DC out. I suspect the decision above that you consider sensible is the one that they come to when they realise others won't pick up the slack from all their impossible dreams.

someone's certainly struggling with their grasp on this. I don't think its the OP or her DB.

What is it you are struggling with dolly?

Anyway....the main question is, is the OP BU to decline to provide regular evening and overnight childcare for her nieces / nephews.

its not me @Teateaandmoretea

I think it is dolly if you can't grasp that parents are equally responsible for their children.

And as I've said several times the OP is definitely nbu. She should say no and make the parents take responsibility for their children. Can you imagine 2 more children overnight 3 nights a week when she has a newborn? Her brother and SIL are serious piss takers.

Does the hospital have a 24 hour nursery? Ours does and takes children on the overnight shift to 14 years old. During the day it's just normal nursery ages. Could your SIL investigate this possibility?*
*
This is absolutely amazing. Fantastic. Never heard anything like it and have been in NHS for years. Which hospital?

err no. not sure if you're deliberately being goady or just a bit dense?

at least you can see the OP INBU. But how is the DB failing his DC in his share of parenting with SIL if he takes the job/money she wants, looks after DC when on shore, has the money to pay for childcare when away, and yet its SIL who refuses to either tweak her hours or use the money for childcare. SIL is the one choosing to impose on the OP. She can't even get her own parents to help - seems like they've learned to say no to her.

But how is the DB failing his DC in his share of parenting with SIL if he takes the job/money she wants, looks after DC when on shore, has the money to pay for childcare when away, and yet its SIL who refuses to either tweak her hours or use the money for childcare. SIL is the one choosing to impose on the OP. She can't even get her own parents to help - seems like they've learned to say no to her.

He isn't looking after the children when he is offshore though is he? They are his 50% responsibility all the time, not just when he is onshore.

The rest of it is the business of DB and SIL to sort out the care of their children and their own work lives it's as simple as that. Why are you picking over the details of their lives that have nothing to do with anyone else when all that matters is that they take care of the children rather than dumping them in his sister so they can both take family unfriendly jobs? They need to decide how to run their lives including looking after their own DC.

Childcare is a distraction because I don't think unless you relied too heavily on an au pair (which I think is dodgy personally) it would be possible to arrange what they actually need without it costing £££££. There is no childcare model suggested or in place as I pointed out above.

They have been used to a lot of help, and they need to start standing on their own two feet regardless of SIL's hours.

I'm not the one who has been posting goady comments, I have just pointed out that the DC are not just SIL's sole responsibility and that it's a bit rich having a go at her for having a family unfriendly job...! The vipers have decided that this woman is the devil for largely doing the same thing as her husband. It's a strange world we live in

"He isn't looking after the children when he is offshore though is he? They are his 50% responsibility all the time, not just when he is onshore." I completely agree, he'll pay for childcare while he's off shore which is responsibly looking after his DC, his avaricious wife is blocking that from happening in order to hang onto some cash.

are you the SIL, @Teateaandmoretea ?

But he hasn't arranged or found childcare? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Because erm it doesn't exist for what they need

of course it does.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

So you know lots of people who require flexible overnight childcare 50% of the time?

Assuming it's that easy he should arrange it then. He hasn't. Hence the childcare is purely distraction.

I think it is dolly if you can't grasp that parents are equally responsible for their children.

He is responsible equally though isn't he? He has 6 months shore leave (working 1 month on 1 month off) so 50% of the year he is at home and available to don100% of the childcare.

Surely, the wife's equal share is to do the other 6 months?

I know a great many parents who work away a lot of the time. Do you have the slightest comprehension of just how many people work and live like this? are you saying they're all irresponsible parents? That the only way to be a family is for both parents to work within daily distance of home? Or are you suggesting the DB
is the only one to organise childcare for while he's away because his wife is incapable of rational thought, planning her own work hours or doing anything more than panicking for free help on a day by day basis ?

I also know plenty of brilliant childminders who are flexible for drop off and pick up at all hours when needed, and medics with young children who organise their work and childcare without last minute reliance on family or friends for free support. They're responsible parents.

The SIL seems to be none of the above. Its you, isn't it? (head tilt)

Surely, the wife's equal share is to do the other 6 months?

But the onus is on her to be available exactly when he isn't ie at the beck and call of his employer that isn't in any way equal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But the onus is on her to be available exactly when he isn't ie at the beck and call of his employer that isn't in any way equal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And the reverse of that is that you want him.to be available at her employer's beck and call, no?