SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

I also know plenty of brilliant childminders who are flexible for drop off and pick up at all hours when needed, and medics with young children who organise their work and childcare without last minute reliance on family or friends for free support. They're responsible parents.

They have actually arranged childcare which is the point I'm making they/ he hasn't.

You must be very well served locally re childminders that isn't the case round here. Even normal hours it's impossible to get in.

I know a lot of medics and they all rely on informal family/ partner childcare or do bank work.

And the reverse of that is that you want him.to be available at her employer's beck and call, no?

Nope, I have said they both need to be responsible and that her job is equally family unfriendly several times.

So for half of the year the wife can work whatever hours she wants because brother is available to do childcare so why is it also his responsibility to organise childcare for the other 50% too? What proportion of organising childcare is the wife responsible for?

That would be perfect if she could just work in that half of the year but she can't. She looks after the children when he is away and she isn't working clearly.

Teateaandmoretea

But you're also.saying that he's responsible for sorting out the childcare while he is offshore. So what part of it is her responsibility?

But you're also.saying that he's responsible for sorting out the childcare while he is offshore. So what part of it is her responsibility?

Nope, I'm saying it's joint. He is being exonerated because he apparently says he will pay but the childcare is non-existent so it is irrelevant.

That would be perfect if she could just work in that half of the year but she can't. She looks after the children when he is away and she isn't working clearly.

Well yes she could work only when he's at home by working bank or agency.

He's also looking after the children when he is at home.

Ultimately he took a job which suited the family. The wife has now changed the parameters. She should have discussed this with him before doing it so that together they could work it out. What should he do? Give up his job?.maybe he would love to do that then she could work all the hours to make up for his loss of earnings only she can't have it every which way - his earnings plus him at home all the time.to facilitate her job.

"But the onus is on her to be available exactly when he isn't ie at the beck and call of his employer that isn't in any way equal. 🤷🏻‍♀️". of course it is equal, working away isn't a holiday it is one partner tearing themselves away from their family to earn money. Why shouldn't she be available when he's away? Oil riggers work bloody hard and their MH can suffer dreadfully. I find your casual lack of understanding for someone doing this kind of work to better their family financial security pretty offensive TBH.

If you work you're at the beck and call of your employer no matter where your job is, even if its 2 minutes from home. That's the whole idea, they pay you for your time. Although I work for myself, so I'm at the beck and call of my staff, customers and suppliers, and the tax man. 🤷‍♀️

He is being exonerated because he apparently says he will pay but the childcare is non-existent so it is irrelevant.

So, going with your argument - childcare is unavailable. What's the solution? Basically one of them has to change their job.

Depending on what his job is equivalent work might not be available or their lifestyle may not tolerate a significant drop in earnings. So then what? At what point did she gave these conversations with him?

@dollyandshirl @Hearhoovesthinkzebras exactly. Its such a simple straighforward concept.

But, you could repeat yourself to tea 1000 times over and they still wont understand our points. Waste of time. Its alll my brothers fault and he’s allll to blame and takes no responsibility for his children because his job is of shore, simple as that 😂no room for argument. There we have it.

SIL’s equal share to contribute isnt needed in this argument, apparently. She doesnt need to make no changes, just all the husband. Who earns more, whos already changed career, whos slightly pressured by her into staying in said off shore job, who does full child care when home from work, whos offered to pay for extra child care, but had it shot down by SIL. But again, hes still to blame and needs to do more like ORGANISE the baby sitting aswell which i think takes a phone call that SIL can do? Him ‘organising’ the childcare isnt even the bloody argument 😂 but Il beg hey ho. Going round in circles with you. I can see the perspective your looking from but i think its slightly unreasonable what you’re asking of from my brother as opposed to her. But you can keep saying otherwise x

Ultimately he took a job which suited the family. The wife has now changed the parameters. She should have discussed this with him before doing it so that together they could work it out. What should he do? Give up his job?.maybe he would love to do that then she could work all the hours to make up for his loss of earnings only she can't have it every which way - his earnings plus him at home all the time.to facilitate her job.

Well as I said about 100 posts ago they need to discuss it between themselves and work out what the new priorities are and how they look after their own children as part of this. I'm not going to tell them how to though - whereas most people seem to think she should make all the compromises now.

But the idea that it is workable with paid childcare I am very dubious about.

I also think it would be hard to launch your nursing career just doing bank.

But, you could repeat yourself to tea 1000 times over and they still wont understand our points. Waste of time. Its alll my brothers fault and he’s allll to blame and takes no responsibility for his children because his job is of shore, simple as that 😂no room for argument. There we have it.

I have said repeatedly your SIL in not being reasonable you are not reading what I am saying.

Be strong. It is the mum's responsibility. You could maybe help on a rare occasion if you wanted to.

She needs to get a nanny.

This is the time to concentrate on your well being and your lovely little bundle to be. Your partner needs to step up and support you.

I also think the 2 nights a week for a couple of hours might be too much with your first one and you may wish to serve notice on that... you will have so much on your plate with a new little one and all the washing and just getting everything done.

Don't you just love people who take a job,then start organising child care afterwards?

Tea won’t be happy until dad has jacked his job in and is stacking shelves in Tesco.

Just say no.

In our house dh earns the most money so his job takes priority over mine, for the last 17 years I’ve worked around the children And it’s only now that they are older that I’m studying to enable me to get a better job, one where I don’t need to rely on anyone.

Your sis in law can’t everything, she can’t expect people to watch her children for free if she’s still wants her dh to work and give them a good lifestyle, there has to be a compromise along the way and you’re brother has offered to finance the childcare which she doesn’t want therefore she needs to sort something else out. Bank nursing would be perfect for her.

Actually don’t think it is the brothers place to arrange childcare against SIL’s wishes.

That wouldn’t work, she’d simply refuse to take the children or the carer or cancel.

When DP & I discussed childcare, we discussed it, agreed what we both wanted for our child then we went and looked at a few nurseries.

Isn’t that how it works?

Neither of us went off and arranged childcare unilaterally. It affects our child we both wanted to come to an informed decision together.

Bank nursing is absolutely the answer which all of my family have suggested to her but she just wont do it. She wants an exact amount of set hours a week. Again for money i’ll assume. But shes still able to make a decent amount via bank work. Shes being awkward i feel. Bank where she more or less picks and choses her hours sounds like a blessing to me. We all told her from the onset that seems a great idea but she went and accepted the A&E permanent contract straight away with no flexible working requests....we still don’t understand it. She keeps saying she wants experience which I get, but she can get experience in any other role. Heath care visitor? Community? Auxiliary? Clinics? She likes the long hours in A&E as she gets more days off, but again isnt great for the kids.

Its annoying she voices her struggles when she made the decision to go ahead with her working arrangements :s she can try and change them and make new arrangements. Part time/bank, what ever it is, as everyones stated theres loads of options around it x

Teateaandmoretea - But he hasn't arranged or found childcare? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂
Because erm it doesn't exist for what they need

Errrm have you never heard of au pairs, live-in nannies or night nannies.

So what responsibility does she have? The DB does childcare during the time he is onshore and has agreed to pay for childcare when she is working (although obviously she needs to confirm her shifts. It seems very strange for the offshore worker to be communicating about his W's shifts.

The SIL on the other hand has refused all paid help. Her preferred solution is to want to exploit the unpaid labour of other women.

@Teateaandmoretea There is nothing to hold him to account for! She has REFUSED his suggestion of child care. So he was cut down on that. So you aren't following logic there. She said no to childcare. Also, he had his job before she got hers. She got her job knowing her husband's work status, AND, knowing she had children that would need care at night. She took the job a)knowing her DH was working away and b)she couldn't work nights because of the children.

What is it about that, that you cannot process?

OP all you can do is to opt out. I think I would back out before your own baby comes otherwise she will be eyeing up your maternity leave as her unpaid childcare.

I think other family needs to back off and let them face the consequences. At the moment family have stepped in to bail them out. Their children need to be cared for and they need to decide whether one or both parents are going to change shift patterns or whether they choose to hire paid help!

Omg OP I can't believe what a hard time your DB is getting. A man who works hard, supports his family, makes changes to make his wife happy and offers to pay full child care so his wife can still pursue her dreams and there are people on Mumsnet still not happy with him!
Poor bloke is never going to win lol
Look after yourself, I'm 18 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old and having to work full time, look after my DD whilst been pregnant is exhausting. I think you do right to say no.
She needs to think about her options and If she's not willing to make shift changes then she needs to do everyone a favour and let your DB pay the child care costs so everyone is happy!

I don’t think you’re going to get these people to see sense here, OP....
Apparently your SIL is entitled to FREE childcare that keeps you late for work and gets you in trouble, disrupts her kids’ school week, knackers her heavily pregnant SIL and aging MIL. She has no intention of ever returning the favour, lies to your face to get her way, refuses to consider paying for other childcare options so that all money stays with HER 🙇‍♂️, refuses to consider more family friendly working conditions, and is now stroppy because you and your mum are both putting your foot down? She can live her dream at the expense of everyone else and demand that the real world bend to her will!
Fuuuuuuuck! The way you described her reaction to your pregnancy news said it all! She is a user, OP! She will be banging on your door demanding babysitting from the moment you get home with your newborn, “since you’re home anyway”.... You are going to have to get really tough establishing boundaries with her and maybe even have a chat with your brother about how fucking unreasonable and selfish she is.

They need a nanny

Nope nope nope! This is so wrong. Family helping out should be their choice not imposed on them
She is incredibly rude to treat you this way.