SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

Is this arrangement give and take? Ask her to pick your kids up from school, give all kids an early afternoon bath and then bring your kids and her kids over to you already dressed in pjs ready for the evening.

Or is she all take take take.

I’d make clear that this arrangement isn’t one way and that if you help her you are expecting help in return

The sil is unreasonable here.
It’s one thing to get help occasionally, but expecting permanent, 2-3 days a week childcare from someone who also works 9-5 and is also pregnant isn’t very fair.
Why can’t her parents help??

"My sisters said no full stop."

Your sisters are intelligent and possess common sense. They obviously weighed up her: poor time management skills, her lack of filter, her selfishness, her brass neck in their decision, where as you didn't weigh that up. Babysitting if they're going to see a movie or to a bbq is different than childcare for work. I would have said No, from the first second it came up. That's the problem with most of these posts on here, people say yes because they don't want to say no. And it spirals from there where more and more and more is expected of you, and before you know it, you are doing 4 or 5 days a week childcare.

Your sisters clearly knew that your SIL has a brass neck, and hence, knew to say no from the get go. It may be a little different if SIL wasn't a bad time manager and felt asking for help hard, didn't have a brass neck etc, but given you knew how she is, you should have said no like your sisters. A person with no filter, a brass neck, bad time management skills, is a walking disaster, and she saw you as an easy target.

I would cancel any and all babysitting (bar life threatening emergency or an occasional movie night) effective immediately. It's not like you'll never see the kids. It is not working out for you, the children are no doubt unhappy at not being in their own beds, and she has the money to hire a nanny, she is simply too tight and selfish. If you continue to babysit past today, you're a mug and are bringing on your own problems and stresses yourself.

I worked in a and e for 14 years. I am very lucky my mum helped with childcare on my night shifts. To make this easier I had flexible working.
Your SIL is entitled to flexible working. She needs to put it in writing and state what she wants and why.
The manager then has to come up with a very good reason why she can’t have it.
A lot of the nurses had flexible working ie fixed shifts. Mine was a long day Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday nights. Others had night shifts fri and sat or only long days. It’s perfectly doable.

I also think she's a CF. You were very kind to offer. I agree, not a big difference between baby sitting and putting them to bed, but this is not a set period issue, this will get ongoing pretty soon.

Why didn't she consider these shifts&childcare before accepting the job?

Why does her family get a free pass at not helping her?

The thing is no needs to help her, her DH is happy to pay for childcare to facilitate the working pattern but the SIL wants people to do it for free.

MN is anti-helping

The OP and her DM are already helping. 'Helping' should not mean giving up your life to facilitate someone's job, that they have chosen knowing it is not feasible.

It's a minor inconvenience

My dc were really terrible at going to bed, they were never in bed before 9pm and even then they wouldn't sleep until later and would ask for snacks/drinks/toilet. Everyone is assuming the DN/N will just put themselves to bed at 7 and OP will not be in any way inconvenienced, when she is pregnant and not well herself.

OP I would be contacting your brother, insisting that you will not be emotionally blackmailed into this childcare on tap and that he needs to organize paid childcare. You have already been offering help/support and can no longer do this due to your own family circumstances.

Wow

@Niki93

What she's asking from you is basically committing to another full time job on top of everything you have going on. Is she willing to pay some money for your worries at all?

I think she's not being reasonable at all. If she asked to to help for a period of 3 months while your brother serves notice period and he changes his job so he is not working away then it would have been nice to help (depending on your relationship with them, though)

To all those saying have them overnight....If she finishes at 8 she would very lucky to get them and take them to school she would probably could still be in work. If there is an emergency case she wouldn't just be walking out the door at 8.... then there's getting to your car in a car park far away oh and rush hour traffic too. She's deliberately being blinkered and as for asking to leave an hour earlynursing doesn't work like that!

The problem with this is that from how you have described her-she is a piss taker so be sure you have offered a bit of help, she is going to keen pushing it with ‘just a little bit more’ or an emergency or ‘only till I get a new job’-which is always putting you in the position of having to save her arse.

If you just say no (and explain that it’s all too much), she HAS to find her own solution-you’re enabling her at the moment.

Can you explain it to your brother as well? Hopefully he’ll tell her to wind her neck in and stop harassing his pregnant sister.

This thread is so long! You’re not being U at all OP. Not your circus!

I'm a midwife working nights, one of my colleagues has the same problem 3 young children and now a single parent. She only works nights enabled by paying another midwives daughter aged about 17 to sleep round.

Childcare is doable but she needs to pay for it.

This is not on you so no YANBU to decline to do the childcare. BUT she is not a CF or selfish.

She wants to work - that is all. As an A&E nurse ffs - helping people, someone we need as a society. And once again a woman who desperately wants to work is faced with obstacles that a man isn't.

It is not your problem - but it soon will be when you have a child. You might see then how unless we work as a team, ( couples, families, workplaces and societies), then things can get very tough indeed.

I haven't a suggestion - but others have made some. Good that you have helped so far.

My DM helps me with school pickups several times a week when I work, but always knows that I can use an after school club if she is unwell or not able to. This is because she is not responsible for my DC, but wants to help and has offered on set days. You offered an amount of help to SIL and she's decided to guilt-trip/stress you into more.

Step back and let her find a solution.

I think you should charge her double time and a half (after hours rates) for an over night stay and then see how long it takes her to get a regular nanny. SIL is a total CF!!!

Tell her you don't mind helping every now and again but she has to find a childminder who provides overnight care. It's not your problem. She chose the job, therefore it is her responsibility to sort out childcare for her own children.

In my family this would be a no brainer. We'd just have the kids overnight. Maybe with the caveat that the first time she's late on the morning would be the last time they stayed if that's a possible issue. We all help each other out all the time; it's not cheeky. Its family.

This if anything would probably be making it more difficult for SIL though. Because with being an A and E nurse, she's not going to be able to rely on leaving on time. That's simply the nature of the job. And this also means OP can't help, given that she works. So your way would leave her having to find overnight childcare at very short notice when already in the job. The most helpful thing to do in these circumstances would be to give as much notice as possible that it isn't workable, not agree to enter into an arrangement that you will have to abandon pretty quickly. We help each other out in my family too, but what you're proposing isn't actually helpful.

She could do agency or bank work and choose her own hours.There is no shortage of shifts available.

Even if here was an onsite overnight facility, SIL might struggle to get them to school the next day.

I'm on the fence between DB and SIL here.

On the face of it with a young child retraining into a role that is offshore seems utterly ridiculous. Could he work onshore and get a job on less money because if he could go back to offshore work later this may be a way forward. To pay for a nanny would probably be more than the difference.

Plus why is he 'compromising' when he is a parent who isn't around to look after his children? What if SIL wasn't there at all to pick up his slack?

I definitely know someone who has worked/ works PT in A and E as a nurse but she was very experienced and working a grade lower than her experience. Of course we're talking about different areas so maybe there isn't such a shortage where you are. The point is though that SIL is newly qualified, so this situation doesn't necessarily continue for ever with her having to be full time.

It sounds to me like they both like the money this offshore role brings and as a result they expect others to run around to facilitate it, to blame this entirely on SIL is unfair. They are both CFs.

The choice is 1. SIL accepts to get that money from DB's offshore job she has to make compromises; 2. DB gets a job onshore so she can launch her own career but they have less money at least in the short term; 3. They get a nanny/au pair. Personally I wouldn't use an au pair for the level of childcare described here anyway so for nanny would be expensive. There may also be issues re house size.

But yanbu to say no, which is the point of the thread.

@AgeShallNotWitherHer Have you read the full thread? SIL's husband is willing to pay for child care or a nanny, but SIL wants to use a pregnant woman for FREE CHILDCARE. When she has the money to pay for childcare. Did you even read that? The SIL is being a selfish CF of the highest order.

My sister isn’t quite as bad as this (I think your sil is a CF with the overnights) but when she has “stressful times” at work she asks me very short notice to have her kids aged 4 and 7 from 5pm-8pm, sometimes much later. I already pick up her kids from tea club 3 times a week so it’s generally on those days she will jsut say she can’t leave work on time and they’ll be at ours til she gets back. Because she often does this short notice dh and I end up having to split a meal for 3 (me, dh and dd) between 5 of us, I bathe all the kids and get them settled so they can go home and to bed whenever my ds deigns to pick them up. My dd(4) has quite a strict night time routine and when this happens it’s super disruptive to that but ds never apologises, just flaps about her stressful job. For context, she works in a primary school- I work in a bank. We both work the same full time hours but I’m the one who leaves the office at 4.30 because she “can’t” leave til 5. It’s super cheeky and tbh I am sick of being taken advantage of. People like this think no one notices but they do. Oh and I also found out she has a nice line in paid tutoring after school on one of the days I pick up her kids.. and do her unpaid childcare for however long. Needless to say, arrangements are changing in the new year!

@ Teateaandmoretea

Have you actually bothered to read any of the posts?!

She wants to work-that is all.

It’s not though, is it?

She wants to work and has chosen a particular job with extremely unsociable hours and it assuming that her husbands pregnant sister will provide free childcare.

Her husband is willing to pay for the childcare but she wants the pregnant sister to do it free.

If that isn’t cheeky, I don’t know what is.

Yes I've read the whole thread.

DB is apparently willing to pay for childcare, he hasn't actually organised it though has he? Presumably that's the place of the woman. He compromised by changing one family unfriendly job for another.

SIL on the other hand is just a money grabbing CFer who wants to dump her kids on anyone.....

I wish people would stop making this a feminist issue and 'OP just wants to work'. Nobody is stopping her from working, they just don't want to provide regular free childcare that they can afford. The family facilitated her degree, she should be indebted to them.

The joke is that OP says she needs to leave at 8am but SIL's shift doesn't finish until 8, so she'll 'try to leave earlier'. That is obviously not possible unless she gets something in writing re flexible working and she knows it. I'd have every sympathy with her if she was a single mother trying to get on but she can afford childcare but would rather save it