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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

279 replies

Niki93 · 10/12/2019 16:47

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 10/12/2019 17:18

She shouldn't have taken the job on if she doesnt have child care arranged. It's good of you to help out, but they are not your responsibility. 3 nights in a row is too much especially when working and pregnant.

xChristmasJumperx · 10/12/2019 17:19

Is she asking for your help because YOUR BROTHER is not facilitating her right to work too?

Is he making any concessions? any compromises?

I would speak to him. Tell him that she could end up losing her job if he doesn't take on half of the extra responsibilities. And make it clear that you would judge him for that. She shouldn't be put in the position of having to ask his sister for help! what the hell is he doing.

RhymingRabbit3 · 10/12/2019 17:19

My friends who are nurses regularly finish their shifts 30+ minutes late because they have to finish off whatever they're doing - it's the nature of the job. If your SIL is regularly late anyway, there is little chance she will be able to pick up the kids on time in the morning.

PanamaPattie · 10/12/2019 17:20

YY to pp and maternity leave. If you don't stop ALL childcare now, she will expect wraparound cover because you will always be "available".

mindutopia · 10/12/2019 17:22

This is the last time in about 16-18 years when you’ll have your evenings to yourself. As an occasional occurrence, fine, but as a weekly thing, no way. You need time to yourself and to decompress before you are the one running around balancing children and work and your own needs. Together they need to sort out childcare (a nanny? which I would imagine is unlikely to be affordable or else they’d have done it already) or sort out their working patterns. It’s not for you to fix.

Stupiddriver1 · 10/12/2019 17:23

You don't take a job which involves night shifts if your other half works away on the rigs.

My DH used to work on the rigs and I was a midwife at the time. My mum helped for a bit but when she became unable to help I took a 9-5 office job.

Your SIL needs to get a job in outpatients clinic. Or ask about family friendly - because she could work nights when he's on shore which should be quite a bit. Now she has the job they're more likely to accommodate such a request.

WorldsOnFire · 10/12/2019 17:26

Some people have this weird idea that their children are somehow the responsibility of their entire family.
I think this was the attitude when my parents were young but it’s certainly not anymore.

Now parents alone are responsible for caring for their kids and any offer of help by family or friends should be taken at face value and not an open invitation to use them as free childcare.

I think it’s pretty cheeky of her to ask you when she knows you’re pregnant and struggling yourself. I’m currently 6 months pregnant and wouldn’t choose to look after someone else’s 4 and 6 year old whilst feeling like this 🙄 especially not for 3 nights in a row.

I wouldn’t take any bad attitude from her about it either, if she’s funny or off with you point out this is exactly what you said would happen when she took the job but she did it anyway. Maybe suggest she speak to your DB about working locally as him being away doesn’t suit her career now.

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 17:26

xChristmasJumper To be fair, the Op’s brother could be the most supportive husband and father in the world, but he can’t do much childcare when he is on the rigs.

Starlight456 · 10/12/2019 17:27

What is she doing for the rest of the childcare?

Yes ensure you stop before maternity leave .

SteeperThanHell · 10/12/2019 17:27

@xChristmasJumperx he works off-shore - what do you expect him to do? Give up his job?

diddl · 10/12/2019 17:31

So what has he done to help her find childcare then?

Justaboy · 10/12/2019 17:35

Really need a good talk with her I reckon!

SunshineCake · 10/12/2019 17:35

The fact she is now in a huff would make me want to remove all child care offers.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/12/2019 17:35

Aww. Well isn't that just too damn bad. Her level of self-entitlement is off the charts. I suggest you don't babysit for her at all, ever.

this Flowers

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/12/2019 17:36

Don;t even contemplate it OP....sorry but its not your problem.Her kids need to come first and sheis daft if she thinks otherwise.Long term it is unworkable without proper support..she should never have taken the job in the first place.

Nursing83 · 10/12/2019 17:38

It seems silly of her to take on a job without confirmed childcare. Personally I'd rather have such little kids over night than until 9pm as presumably they would be asleep by 8. The only issue I'd have is how much of a rush it'd be in the morning, I'd have thought it's very unusual for people to expect free overnight childcare, do they have financial difficulties as she'll earn more doing nights?

That said you dont want to do it so dont, you dont owe anyone free childcare and she shouldn't have expected it.

mumwon · 10/12/2019 17:38

absolutely will do overnights but you have to pay me double rate childcare paid in area or dump your dc on your parents - (not really - but just tell her you are not feeling well & you wont be able to do when baby comes anyway. (by the way reading about au pairs, apparently they are not suppose to de regular nights, she needs a nanny & that will probably cost more than her salary)

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 10/12/2019 17:39

Gosh if you don't sort this now, for your maternity leave you will end up a mum of 3 instead of 1Confused
You are being amazing as it is with the help you are providing. I think you defiantly need to sit with her and remind her how much you have going on in your life.

Reallynowdear · 10/12/2019 17:40

Don't do it, she's asking too much.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 17:41

she is not BU to ask

I know some posters get very worked up at the idea of anyone helping out for FREE but in the real world, friends and family do it.

You are not BU to refuse

GorkyMcPorky · 10/12/2019 17:42

You do more than enough but this is your brother's problem too.

NonnoMum · 10/12/2019 17:45

Why don't you suggest she gets an au pair. They are NOT your responsibility.
If her DH works off-shore I assume he is on a decent wage, so she can't claim poverty or find the £100 a week for an au pair.

helpmum2003 · 10/12/2019 17:47

My understanding from friends in the off shore business is that it's well paid and on the whole partners with kids can't work shifts.
Your SIL is entitled and cheeky. I would withdraw all your offers. You need to look after yourself. She'll push for more and more. I bet she has your mat leave lined up for her childcare.....

PlumsGalore · 10/12/2019 17:47

Bloody hell OP, what on earth was she thinking?.. A&E with night shift rotations?... is she newly qualified? That’s a job for someone young and childless or with an amazing support network.

What on earth does she think will happen when you have your baby? You can’t look after her kids and a baby that wakes in the night. She needs to change jobs or your brother needs to change his job.

HanginWithMyGnomies · 10/12/2019 17:48

@xChristmasJumperx I don’t think it’s ops responsibility to taking her brother to task over his job? Sup knew that before she cheekily landed childcare on his family and not her own.

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