SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

AngelsSins I agree.
She can't stop working, she has to do enough clinical hours to keep her registration otherwise all those years at uni would have been pointless

Why does her family get a free pass at not helping her? It is completely unfair to dump it all on the OPs family.

So his sacrifice was leaving a career that involves periods of time away from your family to then retrain in another career that involves long periods of time away from his family. Leaving her the responsibility of everything while he is of working.

The reality is her situation is probably not workable because of the decision your brother made to work away from his family again.

She probably does feel resentful but it shouldnt be directed at you but her partner.

What has he done to support her being able to make this work?

No doubt she didnt want to listen because it's something she really wanted to do.

How shit for her. I hope she finds something she can make work with the kids with out having to rely on your family and obviously her partner.

She might not see it but it will bring her a whole host of freedom.

How did she manage when she was training? That’s also very inflexible.

I’ve been there as a HCP in an inflexible ( or you might say too flexible since it’s different shifts every single week) role. Finding childcare for this is really, really difficult. However, has she even tried? She needs someone reliable who is able to sleep in as required and cover her needs. That will cost money and she will have to accept that even if she ends up working for next to nothing.

Discuss this with your DB. He needs to help her find a solution to all this. Unfortunately it’s still true to say that finding childcare is largely the woman’s job, including begging favours.

You will all have to stand firm. It will be hard if she’s calling up saying she’s desperate. Even if she’s a CF she’s still desperate. If she won’t pay for childcare she will simply have to investigate less demanding roles for the foreseeable future.

@AngelsSins by offering insults about me to the post does not infact make you right. Again, they both decided they wanted a baby, both whilst in the army. She changed her mind, he accommodated it. She now changes her mind again, so you’re now saying he needs to accomodate again?? How long exactly does that continue for? Of im blinkered, you’re deluded. i get the feeling your one of those who stamps their feet and gets their way...

Its compromising. Which he already did. For her and his children. At her request. I think now its more than fair to suggest she now does the same, but still staying in a career she wants to do. She only needs to change her type of hours, not her whole occupation!

@Baboomtsk thanks. Youve looked at it from a similar perspective as me which makes more sense.

Why are you getting so involved and discussing all the ins and outs?
Just say NO !

@Maybe83 because she insisted he works away for the money. Another bit if context to everything. Which I really didnt want to get into cause the point of the thread was focussed on me being unreasonable for saying no. Which ive now established based on 600+ votes, im not.

She wanted him to leave he army, she then wanted him to work ofshore the maxumise income. She then changes mind and decided to do a nursing degree and do a job with shite hours. But also wants him to stay off shore for the money?? Theres no winning, it cant be everything. .

SIL wants,wants wants...
The great phrase from MN “your lack of planning is not my emergency”.
Seriously OP, your SIL wants everybody to bend over backwards to accomodate her wishes (not her needs) at the expense of your health.
Looking after small kids is hard work, without pregnancy thrown into the mix.
Add her poor time keeping and you’ll run yourself ragged before your baby comes.
Tell her firmly “NO”, you’ve offered as much as you can and she still wants more.Let her find the solution to HER problem.

I hate parents who do this. You find a job to fit in with your family, not expect kids to fit in with yours.
If they both want the jobs they have they'll have to pay a nanny, they must be rolling in it.
YWBU to offer in the first place tbh.

I agree with everyone saying its between them. It absolutely is. They’re the parents, they shouldve devised a better plan.

Fact of the matter is she wants the extra money. So she wants him to continue working offshore to maximise income, but she wants to work fulltime shifts msximise hers, whilst not paying for child care and depding on us to save more money. Thats not how life works! My brothers offered to oay for extra childcare so we’re not always having to step in, and so she can achieve her job goals, but she’s declined using the excuse she rather her children go to people she knows. But its not doable. So we’ve had to say no.

Thanks for everyone’s response. I got the over all opinions which agree with myself. Xxx

Crazy thing is that surely she could stick to bank work when her DH is home from offshore, a whole month when she can work as much as she wants!!!

@RandomMess i know! That was my suggestion. I dont see why she wont do that...

Well if you all say no then SIL can't have her preferred childcare.

Also, if your brother decided he no longer wanted to be away for a month, as long as bills were still paid, there's not really anything she could do about that.

Childminders can do overnights.

@Niki93 no problem op, you're talking sense. Some posters just seem to be determined to pin the blame on your brother.

OP yanbu for saying only on your terms. I do feel a bit sorry for you sil as it appears it is down to her alone to sort childcare.
If I was in your situation I would say you'll help until your db comes home then he has all that time to find suitable childcare for the children.
That way it's his responsibility too.

Why does her family get a free pass at not helping her? It is completely unfair to dump it all on the OPs family.

Because her family don't have to, are not obliged to and most likely have the balls to say no. While ops family have fallen into the trap of SIL expecting them to pick up the slack because they have allowed her to use them for free childcare up to this point.

Love a CF (when it doesn’t effect me)

...anyway you are nearly half way through your pregnancy. Even if you were mad enough to agree it’s not exactly a solution, or did she think you could continue with a newborn too (she’s a CF so probably yes)...

I love these people who like to insist their children are minded by family ...so much better for the children.....and....so so...so...free🙄

Actually, catching up on your posts OP, I think bank work could be the perfect compromise here.

In our NHS trust we have to pick up at least 1 shift a month to keep our bank contract valid - but she could work all of the shifts she wanted in A&E when her DH is home.

It sounds as though the household doesn’t need her income to be the same every month? So earning different amounts in different months shouldn’t matter.

That’s really the only way I can see for everyone to get what they want here.

YADNBU
The only way to stop this happening is to say No more free childcare from you and your mam.
Give them both a deadline of when her DH is back home on leave so they have a month to sort alternative arrangements. Your DB totally understands the situation her not so much.

Im definitely saying no from now on. As have the rest of my fam. We helped lots, and if anything shes just became abit dependant and expected it more. Cudos to her work ethic, both their work ethics. But it just isn’t suitable to continue unfortunately. So lesson learned. Down to them two to decide what next x

Well, something had to give, doesn’t it.

I can see why she wants a challenging, promotion-heading role but like most working couples she needs paid childcare.

She will have to make a choice. One of them give up work / change work, or employ childcare. It is really wrong of her to expect the rest of the family to pick up their responsibilities .

In my family this would be a no brainer. We'd just have the kids overnight. Maybe with the caveat that the first time she's late on the morning would be the last time they stayed if that's a possible issue.
We all help each other out all the time; it's not cheeky. Its family.

Well done OP. For what it's worth, years ago when my DC were small, I worked weekends in A & E - but DH had the DC and didn't rely on family for help. SIL can be a nurse and have a career but she must compromise if she wants to keep her DH earning the bigger salary.