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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

279 replies

Niki93 · 10/12/2019 16:47

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

OP posts:
fedup21 · 10/12/2019 20:32

We all help each other out all the time

It sounds like the MiL and OP are doing all the helping which is very one-sided.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/12/2019 20:32

Well of course she is, and selfish to boot. She knows well that it's not doable but is going to motor on and impose on people.

Another vote for this. You are nt the unreasonable one in this scenario. She is. tell her to jog on. Her kids, her responsibility.

Raspberry123 · 10/12/2019 20:34

If your brother works offshore he will be well paid and they can pay for childcare.

EKGEMS · 10/12/2019 20:36

She's freaking delusional if she thinks she can leave her shift half an hour early! What dayshift nurse wants to come in early to help an entitled coworker?? It always seems like patients crash at shift change-will she tell them "Sorry,love,II've gotta go pick up my kids hold onto your cardiac arrest until my relief arrives!"

MsPepperPotts · 10/12/2019 20:57

Totally agree @EKGEMS

QueSera · 10/12/2019 20:57

She is being a CF for even asking, and even more so for being in a huff now! It's an insane request/expectation. Just say no, and probably wind down the other hours you do for her, she obviously doesn't think they're enough.

She needs proper childcare - some kind of nanny/au pair who will do overnights? Or obviously change her hours.

TowelNumber42 · 10/12/2019 20:59

I really don't like your attitude of she should give up her dream, she should do bank work, she should do this or that with her career. That is all a load of bollocks (feels like sexist bollocks too) and none of your business.

Your own time is your business. Cheeky fucker is saving money by using you as free childcare. Nope. No way would I do that. Follow the sister's cue. Develop worse migraines and tell her you can't do it.

How she and her DH manage their careers is not your problem. Her using you for free childcare is your problem. You say no, they hire childcare or make some other arrangements, problem solved.

Right now this daft arrangement is leading the rest of you to nose into their lives while feeling entitled to air opinions on how they should live. That's a recipe for a major falling out. If you want to maintain a good long term relationship knock this free childcare on the head rapidly.

SheOfManyNames · 10/12/2019 21:00

What if she works there for the next 20 years? At what age would she be comfortable leaving her children alone? You could be doing this for years. Say no. She can find a night sitter, an au pair, or do bank work in the hospital that doesn't involve nights.

Pixxie7 · 10/12/2019 21:08

Totally agree she is taking the mick any nursing job means you probably won’t get off on time. She needs to make proper childcare arrangements.

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 21:20

@TowelNumber42 except she has followed what she wanted to do and no one has stopped her, but trying to push it more and more at our expense. so what youve said is a load of shite. She got everything she wanted out of the scenario, and then some. She can do what the fuck she likes....as can he....if it works for them and the kids. Except...it doesnt. Which is why i declined, and out of curiosity i asked an AIBU post about it. So i dont feel my ‘attitude’ of feeling like she should likely compromise her current working hours untill kids grow older isn’t exactly sexist or un called for, in my opinion. My other posts kind of add more to the story why. He’s already left one career to suit her, he cant keep leaving his careers everytime she changes her mind. That would also be unfair and sexist? But all opinions welcomed ofcourse. Whole point of the post

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/12/2019 21:28

Can they give up the dance classes and fun stuff and get a night nanny?
Your brother needs to support his wife in her career. It would be a damn shame if ahe has to give up her dream job and its hardly surprising she is going to family to ask for help with it.
Not your responsibility of course. Youve got a lot on already, but i think between the father and the grandparents, it would be a shame if she ended up without this opportunity for the sake of a few nights a month, and I dont think she sounds selfish at all.

Teddy1970 · 10/12/2019 21:31

She's taking the piss big time, when she says she'll pick them up in the morning before you go to work I bet you anything she'll assume that you'll be getting them ready for school and before you know it you'll be ironing their uniforms, making luchboxes and probably helping them with homework in the evenings, no way, that is too much to ask even from family.

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 21:33

She doesn’t need to give up her “dream job”. She just has to find a role working the NHS (Or bank) that works round the family. It’s not all or nothing!

There are roles in the police i fancy but until they suit my family situation I won’t go for them.

She will work in A&E, but not without regular childcare or a change in circumstances.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 21:34

I don't think there's any need to be so judgmental about the SIL and her DH.

She asked, and why shouldn't she? In the real world, people do, and family and friends swap childcare between them. How do most of us manage to work full time and juggle school holidays?

It's not working for the OP, who reasonably said no. End of the story.

The SIL can now deal with the childcare, a nanny or au-pair would be her best bet, but that's her problem. She is perfectly entitled to have the career she wants, it doesn't affect her children any more than the career of any working parent!
It's not the OP's problem how she manages it, she'll have to.

It's just not reasonable to pretend parents can't keep their careers because they have children.

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 10/12/2019 21:35

My husband used to work offshore and I was a nurse...I had to turn down my dream job and work in clinics because it was too much to ask family and totally unfair to dump kids here there and everywhere. This wasn't because my husband wouldn't help organise childcare or wouldn't support me working, it was because it was incredibly lucrative working offshore and he would earn 5 times his onshore salary. It just meant I had to set aside what I wanted to do for a while, so that he could do that for a few years and set ourselves up. I think I wouldn't mind if it was a one off 3 nights but I would not be agreeing to it long term, especially not with a baby on the way

DefConOne · 10/12/2019 21:41

YANBU to not do the childcare. Social hours jobs are hard to come by though, well they are in the huge teaching hospital I work in. Dead men’s shoes. My DH tried for 13 years then left nursing as shift work didn’t suit him.

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 21:43

@Thesepostsmakemechuckle yep, it’s exactly that in a nutshell. You worded it better than i have. No one wants her to not suceed in a job she wants to do, just right now it’s not going to work. The kids are shattered and dead unsettled with it. She can go back to A&E later, its not a definite closed door. And as @Nicknacky said, plenty of nhs jobs she can go into with nursing. That offer better offers for all of them. I think people have misinterpreted what ive been saying suggesting i say SIL downs tools for good to be a stay at home mam....thats not the case. I simply see there are options, options that she isnt really making an effort to look into because she wants what she wants x

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 10/12/2019 21:45

Your DB is taking the piss. Works offshore and expects his wife to have to sort out all the childcare or not do her dream job.

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 21:47

@Lucyccfc68 Youve not read the posts clearly...

OP posts:
andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 21:49

The kids are shattered and dead unsettled with it.

They don't need to be. She doesn't have to give up anything, but if she really is against the idea of childcare, she needs to become realistic about it! She's hardly going to take the kids to work with her is she

Alittlebitofthat · 10/12/2019 21:50

The thing that gets me that all of you dissing the OP and her brother is that he HAS offered to pay for appropriate childcare to allow his wife to follow her dream job but she REFUSED it because she wants free childcare and to keep the money for themselves, so OP Y def NBU....!

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 21:51

@andpancakesforbreakfast thats my point...

OP posts:
andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 21:52

sorry, your point sounded more like her current job was not workable at the moment.

It 's only her (lack of) childcare arrangements that are lacking, her job is fine if it's the one she wants.

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 21:53

@Alittlebitofthat haha thank you! This is what i mean! The threads continued longer than i thought tbh i dont think many have read it all. Im getting bashing but the context hasnt been read by those assuming im BU. I give up. Made my point and the majority agreed so thats all i needed x

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 21:57

The upshot of this is that they need paid childcare. If they don’t have that then something needs to give and it’s either the father giving up his well paid job or mum taking a role within the NHS that works.

But I would suggest it’s naive to father should give up his job for this particular role.