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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

279 replies

Niki93 · 10/12/2019 16:47

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

OP posts:
Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 10/12/2019 17:49

She and your brother are absolute cfs. They must have discussed and agreed this together surely? The two of them out of both of their earnings need to pay for a night sitter/ night nanny.

fedup21 · 10/12/2019 17:50

If she keeps getting huffy I’d stop any babysitting at all

This.

Also, what are you texting her about for her to be huffy about replying to.

I would say the arrangement isn’t working now I’m pregnant and I need to stop it.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 10/12/2019 17:53

Would an aupair be possible for her? Some childminders do overnights too which are usually the most cost effective nighttime childcare. Regardless, it's not for you to solve.

Ladyfaith · 10/12/2019 17:55

She needs to employ a live in nanny. And your not it. Your health is vitally important.

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 17:59

If Dh is working away on the rigs then this job is a non starter TBH.Can she just work Agency hours while DC are at School ? Cant see why she needs the cash ATM if they are already on a good wage .Not up to you to fill in when you are pregnant FFS!

Confusedbeetle · 10/12/2019 17:59

She shoudnt accept a job if it relies on you to child mind. I dont think MN is anti family helping and despite being one of those wicked Baby Boomers we do a hell of a lot more childcare than ever our parents gave us. It was neither expected nor offered

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 18:02

One of my friends coincidentally is a nurse and her h is on the rigs. When he is on shore she did bank work and now she is in a dayshift job.

Madness to take a shift job without proper childcare plans in place.

billy1966 · 10/12/2019 18:02

Sounds like her parents have the measure of her.

When your baby arrives and you are busy juggling everything, you will be so annoyed for allowing yourself to be used by her.

People like this could care less about inconveniencing others.

Also good luck with her getting out on time. Nurses on shift often have handovers of a good 30-40 minutes before they head off home.

She is one of life's user's.

Telling her " it doesn't suit" is the wise option.

I'm like most people, delighted to help out when someone is stuck but won't tolerate a CF.

AngelsSins · 10/12/2019 18:03

As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job

This is the only part you’re being unreasonable about. She’s just as entitled to work as your brother is, why is it ok for him to work away when he has kids, but not ok for your SIL to work nights? Of course someone has to look after the kids, but that’s just as much your brothers responsibility as it is hers, so you should be blaming both of them for this situation.

Original poster
Niki93 · 10/12/2019 18:04

Thanks for the replies everyone.

For further context, we also cant fathom why she accepted the job in the first place! My mam is also a nurse, however my mam is a community nurse where the hours are only sociable 9-5. My mam tried speaking to her about going for a job in that nursing field because the hours are much more suitable for the kids, but SIL ‘didnt want to work in that field, she wanted better experience in A&E’. Which makes it more annoying because she made a choice! That didnt benefit her kids! As a family we’re really proud and supportive of her but she’s definitely selfish for taking it on. Im all for following your dreams but with kids involved said dreams are sacrificed, unfortunately! She is newly qualified where as my brothers worked off shore quite a few years now, he does earn the most. Ive tried speaking to him about it be realistically theres not much he can do unless he sacks his own job off and then they dont get the income.

As for those of you saying ive been silly offering anything, i offered it on the basis that it would be every other week, or when my mam or her parents cant do it. I said it wouldnt be forever because she knows my situation...im not stupid enough to offer extra child care when my baby comes along and she knows thats....hense why i said i cant understand why she ever thought it was every going to be managable.

The night shifts she doing arent permanent, its a mixture if shifts. Ive offered to have them sleep on weekends before (because its nice to see them, i dont have work and its on my terms when im free) but i cant donit during the week, as i need to leave the house at 8am. (Her nightshift finishes at 8am, so involving her commute from her shift to pick them up i wont get to keave for work in time) she said ‘ill just try and leave half an hour early’ which obviously isnt do-able.

It has so happened my mam jumped to the rescure because SIL did the usual plea of ‘im desperate’ but after this week my mam has told her its no more. My mam works part time, our dad also works away of shore and my mam has her own stuff to do. My sisters said no full stop.

I absolutely do not mind picking them up from the childminders after work at 6pm, taking them to my house and having them till 9 on the odd week, but not every week. I just think over night (on a week day when i have work) is too much, plus its bloody tiring for the kids! They want their own home and bed, not being shipped about each week.

We’ve told her it just isn’t sustainable! And we know its her ‘dream job’ but unfortunately shes going to have to rethink her career track. When kids are involved you cant put yourself first.

Shes one of those people where she has a brass neck and isnt shy to ask at all. She doesnt mean it to be rude, just genuinely has no filter and doesnt realise shes pushing her boundaries. Id personally never put someone else in that position to even ask. So we have told her. Her response was ‘i am trying to solve the situation, im looking for new jobs’ which is a load of shit.

Fact of the matter is ive said no, il have he kids on a night time everynow and then when and where i can, thats my limit. As when i go on maternity (april) thats my time and il be nesting for the new born arriving. When new born arrives, if she even has the nerve to ask then il end up laughing! Its a stern no!

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 10/12/2019 18:07

I wouldn’t even be doing the the 2 hours babysitting if she did think it was not good enough.

embarassednewname · 10/12/2019 18:07

YANBU. Be careful when you go on mat leave. She'll lay on the guilt and you'll end up nursing a new born and taking care of someone else's 2 kids. A perfect recipe for PND.

RhinoskinhaveI · 10/12/2019 18:08

now reluctantly replying to me for anything
so even though you are doing her a favour she still thinks she can punish you for not making it a big enough favour.
I would tell her very clearly, once and once only that you are not available for childcare at all after 'x' date, dont offer any apologies or explanation beyond 'this no longer works for me'
and then I'd start ignoring her
she took the piss so now you need to have firm boundaries or she will walk all over you

IdiotInDisguise · 10/12/2019 18:09

Even if you offer it is your right and pre rotativo to change your mind. Some mums have to learn to be realistic and accept that the responsibility of raising children brings with it some limitations on your career plans, specially if the father of the kids is stuck offshore for weeks.

IdiotInDisguise · 10/12/2019 18:09

Prerogative

diddl · 10/12/2019 18:14

" When kids are involved you cant put yourself first. "

That also applies to your brother though who presumably has been able to carry on regardless knowing that there was full time childcare in place.

Obviously it should all have been discussed/organised first, but if she wants to work, maybe he needs to look at something else?

fedup21 · 10/12/2019 18:14

My sisters said no full stop.

She’s the sensible one. You and your mum need to do the same.

AnalUnicorn · 10/12/2019 18:14

I thought offshore rig workers tended to earn pretty good money. Why can’t they afford to pay for childcare ?

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 18:14

DB & SIL need to sort out paid for childcare!!!

Students are quite often available to do sleepovers etc.

diddl · 10/12/2019 18:16

" Why can’t they afford to pay for childcare ?"

I thought that, but maybe it's not the money, but the shift work would be hard to cover?

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 18:16

diddl Or the easiest option would be that the sister in law takes a nurses job that suits her requirements. That way mother and father are both in their wanted careers. Especially when you consider his well paid/specialised off shore workers are.

diddl · 10/12/2019 18:21

But hen she's doing all the compromise, isn't she?

I would have thought they could afford & organise some childcare though.

IdiotInDisguise · 10/12/2019 18:23

No, the one doing all the compromises is the poor relative taking care of the kids, and they are not even her kids.

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 18:24

diddl Well if you want it to be totally equal, the mother could go be a nurse on the rigs?

Or in the real world, you don’t take shift work if your h works away. It’s not an equality issues, it would apply if the mother was the one that works away.

I’m a emergency service shift worker, I know that if I end up on my own when the kids are young then my hours have to change until they are older.

She would never be able to work in A&E, but can when circumstances are different.

Nicknacky · 10/12/2019 18:25

I mean, it’s NOT that she would never get to work in A&E......

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