SIL constantly wanting me to step in for child care, on nightshifts!

[Niki93]

So, my sister in law recently got offered a job in our local hospital in the A&E department, which was great, but obviously meant difficult long days that could involve nightshift. Which she knew. She and my brother have two kids (4&6). My brother works away offshore so she needs childcare during her shifts after school time.

I work full time, 9-5 (sometimes hours outside of this, in a role thats slightly emotionally draining) im also 18 weeks pregnant with my first. I offered to watch the kids 2x a week maximum between 6pm-9pm depending on when her shifts finished etc. As i felt this was the most i could do as im struggling with migraines often from the pregnancy.

She asked me the other week if i could babysit the kids 3 nights in a row on a monday tuesday and Wednesday NIGHT(to sleep over) when im at work in the mornings, whilst she does nightshifts. She suggested she would pick them up in the morning before i start work, however shes renowed poor time keeping. Meaning i could be late for work if the kids arent picked up in time when she finishes nightshift.

I personally found this abit cheeky. Its alot of commitment off me when i have my own things going on. As a family (me, my mam and sister) we all told her she knew what she was going into when she accepted her nursing job in A&E, and that doing night shifts with two young kids and a partner who works away was never going to be manageable. She ignored our points because she wanted the job, and has took it upon herself to think that me and my mother will constantly be at her disposal for when she needs a sitter.

I politely declined, and stuck to my agreement of 2 nights a week for a couple hours. Shes not happy with this and now reluctantly replying to me for anything, probably in a huff. AIBU?

(Both her parents dont work and havnt for 20 years, but they wont support as much because they’re ‘in their late 60’s and find it hard’)

I just clicked on YABU by mistake SORRY!!!!

From your posts it sounds as though this child care issue is only hers to solved and your DB is absolved from having to change anything or adjust anything in his life to accommodate children and a wife that wants to work in a shift based environment. He needs to step up too- and the idea that there's nothing "he can do" - only places all the responsibility for their children back her alone.

She and your brother are absolute cfs. They must have discussed and agreed this together surely? The two of them out of both of their earnings need to pay for a night sitter/ night nanny.

Exactly this. It's not just her. Surely she and your brother agreed that she would take this job so he's as much a CF as she is if he expects you all to pick up the slack. It's good you've said no and if she continues to blank you then tell her your very generous offer of a couple of evenings every second week is no longer on the table.

"the mother could go be a nurse on the rigs?"

Well that might work if one was always on whilst the other was off

She ibu and I probably would phase out the help.

But I agree that it isn't necessarily her who should compromise her career, your brother might need to compromise too.

@Nicknacky my point exactly. He earns the most money, which pays their home, the kids dance and football lessons, my SIL yoga classes etc.

So @diddl, you keep aiming this at my brother but realistically, its her career that has more flexibility to change, not his. He’s aware of the situation, hes offered to pay for childcare but SIL is being awkward about it! She wants the money kept for themselves and wants family to jump to the rescue instead which we’re not doing. Shes entitled to have her career, we supported her all through her degree, but why cant she get a sociable hours nursing job?? It wouldnt make sense for my brother to sack off his well paid job all together for her to get what she wants, yet again.

Is there overnight paid childcare available?

Well that's all fine then, isn't it?

You have all said no to childcare, so they will have to sort out childcare & pay for it.

he works off-shore - what do you expect him to do? Give up his job?

Why not? Why is it ok for the SIL to give up her job but not the brother? He needs a job that more compatible with being a parent.

@Nicknacky I personally didnt think there was over night childcare available. But previous posts have explained a nanny can do this? So they need to explore that option if thats the case and she wants to continue with that specific job. I certainly cant do it...so they need to look further into the plan.

When my brothers home he does obviously does all the childcare and had the kids permanently, naturally. But when hes away a month at a time, within thay month shes straight away on to us again and we’ve said yes when it suits us but otherwise, if its no then its a no.

I just preferred she didnt ask me to chip in on nightshift at all cause i know im within my right to say no, but it does make you feel your letting someone down...but again im aware thats part of the guilt trip as those kids are my neice and nephew but not my responsibility.

@AngelsSins as does she. If thats the case do they both just sack their jobs off together?

Her jobs more flexible. No ones saying she cant still be a nurse....there are nursing jobs that work sociable hours. She could have accepted bank work, she could have accepted the community role. He has a high up job thats pretty regulated and means working away. Shes well aware if he goves that up to work on shore for example then i means a huge decrease in their income. Which she doesnt want. Therefore, she needs to make the changes. If he makes the changes, she needs to not whinge about the income. It cant be both...

@Niki93
You’re making excuses for him.

He wants to work
She wants to work

He wants to work away a month at a time
She wants to work some nights

Why does his wants trump hers? He has a child now, a child that she doesn’t want to provide sole childcare for, so he needs to be a parent and find a more realistic job that allows her time to work also. She has to accept that there may be a slump in income temporarily. This is not just her problem though as you seem to be making out it is.

Yanbu at all! You're doing more than you need to!
People who have kids need to sort their childcare! It pisses me right off that child care comes as some sort of surprise to some people who have kids!

There are ways around it if she wants to work in a&e. She could try having a flexible working agreement whereby she does day shifts when her DH is away and night shifts when he is not - I assume he gets a rota reasonably far in advance? That way, she could still do a share of night shifts but the childcare issue is managed.

But she is cheeky to assume that family will just pick up the slack overnight!

@AngelsSins this is where it goes into more context which i wasnt really wanting to get into.

So, firstly you’re wrong. Not making excuses for him at all. Its something they both need to sort out. But she definitely has more availability to change circumstances than he does. They both met in the army years ago, married, had a child. SIL decided she didnt feel she wanted to continue in the army with a child (understandable) and asked my brother to join her. My brother understood her reasons, he personally wanted to stay in the army, but for the sake of her and the child, he took the opted redundancies. He made that sacrifice. He then decided a career change on, went into training and secured himself the job off shore. During which time she decided she wanted to do a nursing degree, which my brother and our family supported her to do. She had zero support from her own family. She then takes the shift job which isnt managable, not for her not for him not for the children or us. Now your suggestion is he makes the sacrifice again? So with all that in mind and what you say, i disagree.

She can continue her nursing, as can he in his job. But she needs to rethink the hours. Simple as. The rest of us have done enough. We dont want to see them struggle, but again, we have our own lives.

@AngelsSins

OPs brother is the main breadwinner. The massive decrease in income that would result if he were to work onshore instead would affect the whole family. To inflict that on the family just so that SIL could work this specific job with this specific shift pattern would be unreasonable and selfish of her.

It's irrelevant anyway as according to the OP her SIL wouldn't actually want him to do that.

I don’t know why you and your mum agreed to help In the first place despite it being really inconvenient, when her own parents have refused?

@Iliketeaagain exactly. For the flexible working it isnt an option when its A&E. She tried asking and was expectedly shot down. Her manager said ‘this is the job you took when you were offered it’ which was exactly our points in the beginning. Understandably with a&e the nature of the job is demanding and it is what it is. We even suggested she does it part time? But she claims that isnt an option on A&E. (I wouldnt know). I think she took the job thinking once she said yes and has it, it puts us in a tricky position to say no. But now we have said no, shes went in a huff. But thats life!

All through her placements during her degree we helped loads, but we made it really clear that it wouldnt be forever, and we said she needs to make some sensible decsions when she qualifies as obviously we have our own jobs to accommodate. Shes not listened and just thought shes push and push. I love her to bits but shes just took the piss and we’ve had to tell her!

New job in Nursing in A&E with two small children to find child care and random hours is he'll on earth.
If she puts the children to bed and collects in the morning, it's a reasonable request.
Her husband being away for work shouldn't trump her work commitments. Perhaps he needs to pop back and sort childcare until something permanent can be arranged.

Look you’re clearly going to defend your brother, you think he’s the only one making sacrifices, I think you’re a little blinkered. They both made a choice to make a baby, I don’t think working away a month at a time is compatible with that unless you have a partner who is HAPPY to not work and do all the childcare. She’s not happy to do that, he’s forcing her into that position.

That is however between them, they have to decide how much this matters against the drop in wage, but it should be a choice made by them equally, not one dictating to the other. And with the acceptance that childcare is an equal responsibility between them.

All of that aside, it’s not your job to pick up the childcare for them and you’re not unreasonable to stop.

Sounds like she needs to stop work until she can find a more suitable nursing role with child friendly hours or hire a nanny for the time being. Just be honest with your SIL and tell her straight, they aren’t your children they aren’t your responsibility to have to look after them every week.

I think this is sad all round to be honest. Your SIL has studied for years to become a nurse it won't have been easy with young children and now she can't follow her dream due to childcare. Your brother should get a regular job and help out! If he's been working off shore for years she's done the bulk of childcare plus studying by herself and now needs back up. If they have to take the hit financially so be it money isn't everything sometimes you have to do a job you love.

@fedup21 i get what you’re saying, but we don’t want to just say no to spite the kids. The fact is, we do want to help slightly, it means we get to see the kids which we love, but we just cant offer as much as shes wanting. We dont want to say ‘no, wont ever baby sit ever again’. Seems petty. If im not doing anything on a night after work and i want to offer to have them for a couple hours when i feel fine, then why not? I just cant offer nights constantly on a weekly basis.

People keep saying that the husband needs to change his job, however it would mean a massive drop in income. I believe an electrician offshore for instance would earn approximately double what they could onshore. They need to decide as a family whether they want that income drop or whether the SIL needs to find a job with more sociable hours. With the amount her husband is earning they must be able to afford childcare.

@Mucky1 if you read my post earlier up, hes already changed his career once for her and the children. He cant keep saying how high when she says jump.

It wouldnt have been possible for her to do her nursing degree if it wasnt for us in the first place. Her family should have helped more