To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

[Warmfirechocolate]

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

@Warmfirechocolate, This must have been upsetting but I hope you plan some nice treats or events for yourself and those closest to you to take your mind off all of this. It is a letdown but it sounds like you also have plenty of good things to focus on.

Horrible situation, I feel very sympathetic. The huge amount of time organising and looking forward to the event is now wasted so no wonder you feel flattened. The rudeness of the group is dreadful.

There must be a feeling of grief over the damage to the friendship. Agee with other suggestions to focus on finding new activities and new friends. Onwards and upwards now, putting the selfish inconsiderate people behind you with understandable regret.

NB: if birthday party friend hasn’t discreetly contacted you to commiserate, then I’d be cancelling the train fare (can you get a refund or reschedule?) and giving her party a miss, as you’re on the outer now perhaps?

I totally agree 100% with everything @beautifulstranger101 said. There is no excuse for the way they have all treated you. If I thought at any stage I could have money issue etc and it would mean letting dear friends down, I would have said NO from the beginning and declined to go. I would feel exactly the same as you OP and I wouldn’t travel 600 miles for this birthday bash, not out of spite but out of self protection. It will cost you a lot of money which could be put to better use! I would feel gutted OP at the realisation that they’re clearly don’t care about how their insensitivity has affected you! I would definitely withdraw from this friendship group. If they make an effort to make it up to you then you can reassess then.

I would definitely say you are hurt and why. How they react will tell you everything you need to know

If they rush to apologise and reassure you then there may still be a friendship there, but if they turn your hurt around and make out you are the one with the problem, walk away.

It takes time too phoning around venues. My friend texted me saying a night away isnt right timing for her just at minute. I would prefer people being honest. Op feel for you being hurt. They should have said it at the start.

May have already been said, but I feel the 'it has to be all of us or not at all' thing quite odd. Sounds like when we were in our teens/late twenties, and the crowd would have to ask the others if they were going before they'd accept an invite!

May have already been said, but I feel the 'it has to be all of us or not at all' thing quite odd.

I'm one of a group of five friends. We used to have holidays together. Then one couldn't come, or she could only come for part of the time, or she wouldn't make up her mind when we wanted to make definite arrangements. This was over 2-3 years. Then she was put out when we went ahead without her. She thought it should be all or none. But if we waited for her we'd never do anything - she's become even flakier over time, to the point that I no longer make arrangements to meet her one on one, as she so often cancels at the last minute.

So while I accept that there's always a chance that one member of a group might have to drop out of something at short notice, I really do think it was a bad show for everyone else to drop out. I understand why op feels so hurt.