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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

207 replies

Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 12:31

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 09/12/2019 17:37

So sorry OP, it does seem like this is a friendship has run its course. Expecting you to travel so far every time shows that they no longer really care. Did they ever come to you?

Give yourself time to grieve. It's a big thing to lose a friendship group and you will feel sad for a while. Focus on your new friends.

lurkingattheback · 09/12/2019 17:40

I think long term friendships should survive these issues, there doesn't need to be big events for the friendship to remain. You're only upsetting yourself not going to anything further. Appreciate the friendship, accept people have busy lives and use technology differently. Don't take it all so personally.

charm8ed · 09/12/2019 17:45

I agree with the others saying the friendships have run their course. Use this opportunity to see your newer friends and family and people that do have time for you and reply to your texts and want to make plans to see you.

Molly2016 · 09/12/2019 17:49

@FirstInGinglish and @IndecentFeminist
OP says they’ve been planning the weekend away for a year. I honestly don’t believe ‘I can’t afford it’ is true in my opinion.
The money I have I plan very carefully what it is spent on. I prioritise and cut back as I chose to be able to do the things I really want.
That’s what most people do surely?
If they really wanted to do the weekend away next year they would make it happen.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 17:52

I appreciate lack of funds but I don’t believe it either. I’d planned for the budget agreed and also would have waited for hold it in 2021 if that’s what it took.

OP posts:
MissSueDenim · 09/12/2019 17:57

Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

It’s interesting how you’ve worded this, are you the married one (who has the support & income of a DH) while the other 4 are single parents?

Friend who separated and has one child aged 17

So does that mean any benefits / maintenance your friend is receiving may be coming to an end? Will she need to be paying uni / college costs hence why money may be tight?

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 18:00

I’m the shaky one! With a huge debt and terrible situation tbh. The one who bailed out is a single parent to 17 year old, however she does have her own house that her parents bought for her and a good job. I have neither.

OP posts:
eeyore228 · 09/12/2019 18:07

That’s a bit harsh. Some people literally live to a budget. There was a time in my life that owing to the child support agency mucking up my husbands account I was paying his maintenance in a credit card. When I said I can’t afford something I was speaking the truth. Some people value the feeling of no debt after they have been burdened. Being in that situation is hard when there’s nothing more you would like to do but go out with your mates but knowing it will cost £50 for the night and your kids need school shoes, you make the right choice for your family.

MissSueDenim · 09/12/2019 18:10

I’m the shaky one! With a huge debt and terrible situation tbh. The one who bailed out is a single parent to 17 year old, however she does have her own house that her parents bought for her and a good job. I have neither.

Then I can see why she doesn’t feel comfortable with you offering to pay her way on the trip!

In the nicest possible way OP - considering your situation & having a disabled child - I can see why your friends may not feel comfortable with the expense of going away.

BloggersBlog · 09/12/2019 18:14

@Warmfirechocolate did you actually offer to pay? I thought you said you would have paid, not that you offered.

hopefulhalf · 09/12/2019 18:14

YABU OP. If I read this right the dropeee is a single parent to a 17yo, you are the partnered parent of a younger child with some additional needs.

It is very likely that;
a) money is much tighter for her than you
b) Although she can almost certainly leave her 17yo for a single night 2 or 3 which is what would be needed for a weekend is a much more complex undertaking
c) Her need for childfree time is almost certainly less than yours.

Countryescape · 09/12/2019 18:18

We’ll surely they won’t be doing lunch because as you said “you all go or none of you go” and if you aren’t going then it should be canceled completely! Seriously this is extremely flaky , piss poor behaviour from all of them. A holiday a year in the planning and they decide to cancel the week before? No. I’d tell them exactly what you think IP. It’s inexcusable.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 18:20

I don’t think it’s money tbh. I asked her budget a year ago and have fitted the weekend to it. I’ve also made the weekend near them in the uk so travel was minimal (for them). We offered to pay but she said she didn’t want to take Friday off work and ‘might” join us on Saturday. We offered another weekend much later but she didn’t want this. She has her mum down the road and her child’s father who can have her child. She could also have told me she didn’t want to a year ago! I have to say I do think my friends have reacted almost as if this was ‘my idea’ pushing it, when I’d checked with them the whole way through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 18:22

@Countryescape sorry I should have said it is not for next week, it is for next year, it’s the final payment this week. But because I wanted everyone happy it’s actually taken all year to get the right place, the right price, the right weekend for all.

OP posts:
Whoops75 · 09/12/2019 18:29

I am in a few friendship groups like this and we still go ahead with the event if the majority can make it.

Why can’t 4 of ye go?

hopefulhalf · 09/12/2019 18:34

A 17yo may not want to go to her nan's or her Dad's, you can't make them at that age.
Maybe she is worried about the 17yo getting into trouble. Unless you have teens I think it can be difficult to understand that sometimes it just needs to be you.
I would definately interpret not wanting take friday off as wanting to see teen safely home and in someone elses care before leaving for the weekend.

hopefulhalf · 09/12/2019 18:36

Another thought- is it exam season ?

FrancisCrawford · 09/12/2019 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov19 · 09/12/2019 18:36

Unfortunately You do have a problem. Not just the her, but the flakiness of the others, and their lack of respect for you having to travel furthest, and all the hard work you put in organising.

I organise a lot/most of it, for my group of 4 to go Prague, Berlin, Krakow etc. If they didn't show respect for how hard I work to organise it all, it would hack me right off!

SweetSally · 09/12/2019 18:41

@Warmfirechocolate

I don't think you should give up on that friendship just yet. You should share with them that you felt hurt and they surely will apologise.

Maybe some of them are also having some other issues you are not aware of that they are not comfortable discussing?

Gitfeatures · 09/12/2019 18:45

The friend who bailed lives close to the other that was the first to say let’s call it all off.

So the two 'best' mates are sticking together (out of solidarity?) - did everyone then just agree to cancel? Is it that no one wants to say 'actually I'd quite like to go ahead...' for fear of looking insensitive to poverty-pleading friend?

chuffoff · 09/12/2019 18:49

If she has form for this, do you think she may have sort of social anxiety? Loves the idea of the trip away when it's initially planned but as it gets closer starts to panic? (Speaking from experience...Sad)

Countryescape · 09/12/2019 19:13

@chufoff have you ever thought of having counselling instead of pulling out all the time? I’m not being nasty just genuinely wondering as I have a friend that has really bad anxiety, can’t leave her child ever, pulls out last minute etc. she’s already lost loads of friends over it but still won’t do anything about it.

OP , Oh okay so holiday next year, we’ll it’s still really bad. I’d move on/take a massive step back from their friendship.

SweetSally · 09/12/2019 19:23

The friend who bailed lives close to the other that was the first to say let’s call it all off.

OP
Reading this - did you considered that maybe they have had enough time to meet a couple of times for the past year and discuss this "holiday idea" and the more time they've had to think about it the more they've thought that it's not something they would like to commit to?

I think that there have been many conversations without you knowing/being present and everyone has started to share concerns about the idea?

The friend who cannot afford it is going to have to face some very big changes to her life:

  • Daughter turning 18 (probably would have a big birthday celebration, gifts, driving lessons?)
  • Daughter potentially going to uni and needing financial support from her mother
  • all child benefits stopped (including maintenance payments from the father)

I think you feel hurt not because you've spent time organising the holiday but because you feel that you've already lost that friendship group. You haven't lost them yet. Don't burn bridges. Talk to them about it and if the friendship has come to an end then at least you will have the inner peace that you have not just let go of something. It's important to have this conversation and a "clear brake up" if that is what is going to happen.

Iflyaway · 09/12/2019 19:56

I would definately interpret not wanting take friday off as wanting to see teen safely home and in someone elses care before leaving for the weekend.

^This^

We solo mums just get on with it, work, childcare :also as a teenager, even a more important time!", work, household, food shopping and cooking, aging parents, keeping up a modicum of social life....

Most of us just don't want to whinge to the outside world....

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