Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

207 replies

Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 12:31

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

OP posts:
messolini9 · 09/12/2019 20:05

I would definately interpret not wanting take friday off as wanting to see teen safely home and in someone elses care before leaving for the weekend.

How so, though?
The friend knew she had a teenager a year ago when she enthusiastically agreed to the weekend away. She continued to wax enthusiatic when repeatedly asked through that year by OP if she still was keen.

To then bail a week before finalisation, with a piss-poor excuse, is so rude & thoughtless. To offer a lunch date instead - which the pal who has kindly organised the whole shebang which you have just kiboshed would have to drive 300 miles for - is insensitive to the point of "piss off I don't care enough to consider your circumstances or feelings".
I can see why OP is pissed off.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 20:10

It’s just this has been years of me making all the effort and this is the final straw for me. I know I will see meet at odd times for a quick chat but it won’t be the same, at least for me, for a very long time.

I get that we ALL have difficulties. I am in a very tricky position leaving my kids. That is why I double checked and they all wanted it, and I spent such a long time finding out what weekend everyone wanted.

Bailing out friend has got a teenage DD, I get it Ive also been a single parent for 10 years with older child. However she does go away on her own, her DD goes to her Dads for weekends EOW. And frankly if she could never go away on a Friday then a year ago was the time to tell me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 20:11

Apologies grammar typing with cold fingers!

OP posts:
BlueBlazerBlack · 09/12/2019 20:15

They all sound rude and flakey and I think the friendship means more to you than to them.
If they weren't sure of the idea they should have told you and not let you spend time and effort planning this trip and getting your hopes up.
You may have been close once but the fact they won't make an effort to see you now speaks volumes.
Focus on new friends and on people who are willing to go out and do stuff with you. Just because a friendship is new it doesn't mean it can't be close.
There are people out there who would love a friend like you, so why waste your time on these flakey women? You can do better, truly :) x

hopefulhalf · 09/12/2019 20:15

They do change though, maybe Dad has new girl friend teen is not keen on. Maybe teen has troublesome boyfriend (or girl friend) that bailer wants to keep an eye on. A year is a long time.

hopefulhalf · 09/12/2019 20:17

Also IS it exam season (april-june) of A-level year ?

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/12/2019 20:18

And speaking from personal experience, it is quite liberating to let a one-sided friendship go...you don't have to be rude or anything, just politely and breezily explain you won't be coming to the lunch but hope to catch up soon. Then wait and see if they reach out or not. If they don't at least you know you can stop putting so much effort.

DreamingofSunshine · 09/12/2019 20:33

I feel for you @Warmfirechocolate it sounds like you were really looking forward to it and it was giving you something happy to focus on whilst your relationship isn't going well. I've been in your position and it is really sad, but I think some people care less than others. I've been taking a big step back from a lot of relationships and letting them come to me some of the time. I've also let myself mourn the end of a friendship (or the end of it in its current state) and feel grateful for the happiness it did bring me.

Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 20:41

Also this has been months of chatting and at least two months of me sending dates, sending actual places to stay suggestions and finally plumping for a place and date.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 09/12/2019 20:48

I expect you were too gobsmacked to say much else Warm, the least she could have done is PM you to apologise directly, not state it in a group chat! So rude

OrangeZog · 09/12/2019 20:58

Are friends 3 and 4 closer? I wonder if they have previously discussed the weekend between each other and are backing each other up over turning the get together into a meal.

wildcherries · 09/12/2019 20:58

Is it a good idea to post the actual private conversation on an open forum?

Flupibass · 09/12/2019 21:02

I think you need to back off a bit, get over your disappointment, I get it, but I think you want/need the weekend away more than the others but I don’t think they were excluding you ( thoughtless at the amount of planning you’ve put in, yes ) but trying to be kind to the one who’s dropped out.
This is not worth falling out over, I’m sure you’ll regret that. All friendships have blips. I would be friendly, polite still, not emotional, say nothing now that you’ll regret in a few years time. Accept that they’re not as bothered as you about a weekend away but it doesn’t mean they’re not bothered by your friendship.
Don’t organise the next get together, let someone else do it, but don’t write off this long friendshïp.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 21:12

@OrangeZog yes friends 3&4 are closer.

@wildcherries good point I did change actual wording. But I’ll get it pulled.

OP posts:
Spotsandstars · 09/12/2019 21:13

I think they had all discussed this previously. It seems too quick and agreeable like no one is surprised. I think they thought you railroaded them into it but that's not an excuse, they are fully grown adults that should have just said no if they didn't wan to go. I'm so sorry, they definitely aren't as into you as they are each other. It's pretty bad behaviour and I would pull right back now and invest in relationships that value you and want to actively spend time with you.

dontalltalkatonce · 09/12/2019 21:19

Just take whatever time you need to deal. Personally, I'd bail on the 300 mile journey already booked, though. They're not as invested at all. So just leave the ball in their court.

Cohle · 09/12/2019 21:19

I do think 30 years of friendship is a huge thing to walk away from. I would wait until the new year to make any decisions to make sure you've had a good long time to cool down. Perhaps just take a step back from being the one who organises/pushes for meet ups and see how things pan out.

Rolypolybabies · 09/12/2019 21:19

It sounds really tough for you at the moment. Maybe it is a good thing though if you are having financial problems you can save the money.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 21:30

I’m already thinking I will go away for a weekend on the date we’d booked, but maybe one of those activity weekends where you can make new friends? Do something different.

I wouldn’t go no contact or anything. But you know when you feel that there has been a pivotal moment? When relationships solidify, or crumble. This feels like a crumbling.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 09/12/2019 21:38

It's so hard when that happens. I'm sorry, OP.

Villagegreenpreservation · 09/12/2019 21:45

If you’re all losing cash I’d be really upset and find it off the others have dropped out too. But I’d walk away now. Back out gracefully for a while. I’d be hurt too so you are not being unreasonable at all. Those saying you are, are being a little harsh. Organising stuff is hard work and those who just pay/ show up don’t understand the effort.

TitianaTitsling · 09/12/2019 23:32

I absolutely hope you haven't paid the group's deposit or lose any money on this.

Itsallpointless · 10/12/2019 07:43

OP I can understand how you must be feeling, one of the reasons I'm not a planner/organiser.

I don't think you could have done any more in your planning, to accommodate everyone's situation.

This is thoughtless behaviour, I've seen it so many times. I'm a committer, and unless my leg has dropped off, or someone has died, I'll do everything in my power to attend what I've committed to. I do get the last minute problems though.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same level of commitment, I personally find this terribly frustrating and upsetting. I think you have every right to be upset, you've done nothing 'wrong'.

I wouldn't lose the friendship (though I think it's on a downward spiral) I would just keep in touch from afar.

Sadly these things happen, I think you've done well to keep it going this long. Thanks

justmyview · 10/12/2019 09:01

I know I will see meet at odd times for a quick chat but it won’t be the same, at least for me, for a very long time

Friendships evolve. Maybe this friendship is more important to you than them. Best to focus on your happier memories of the longstanding friendship, rather than feel they've let you down