To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

[Warmfirechocolate]

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

Women can be very flaky

Whereas men, as a quick glance at the Mn Relationships board will tell you, are the soul of reliability, conscientiousness and puppydog loyalty.

Thanks for the replies... so tricky isn’t it. Lots of posters saying back off which is what I probably will do. However it is letting go of 30 years of friendships. If I tell them how I feel it might make it worse!

Not one person has replied to my message. It’s been 6 days now!

I wouldn’t tell them how you feel necessarily, just let it go, maybe one day you will all be back in that position when the relationship flows and is back on, but right now it just doesn’t work. New chapter, new life, see it as an exciting opportunity.

They probably feel awkward because they know you are upset.

To be frank, it sounds like you need to focus on yourself for a bit. Why are you planning on going away when you are in debt? That’s just crazy. You need to try and sort your debts out.

I can see it is frustrating for you, but as the friend in my own group most likely to bail, I doubt it’s because she doesn’t value you. It is probably a mixture of other pressures:
Small children
Childcare
Cost
Other family demands
Limited free time
Her health or mood

I have this with my old school friends, luckily they are understanding. I miss them but life does not leave me much time, money or energy for weekends away with girl friends.

Not one person has replied to my message. It’s been 6 days now!
That is really mean. I'd post another message saying I guess that's it then or something.

Will you all lose money now?

Maybe paying for the booking two weeks before Christmas is too much of an issue for your friends op. Why not suggest you pause and re-visit the trip in a month to see if they have changed their minds?

I think it's good you're doing something for yourself. Find other friends but don't burn any bridges. Brace yourself for some nasty surprises, like a sub-set doing something on their own, but leave that door open. Good luck and happy birthday for whenever the big day is!

Some of my best friends live hundreds of miles away and I hardly see them. Social media helps, and when we can meet up, that genuine connection is still there. I'll take quality over quantity any day.

To be honest the weekend away wasn’t extravagant, it was an Air B&B not far and well within everyone’s budget when I checked. It was the time with said friends and us all valuing each other enough to do it, that would have been pretty special.

I’m pretty upset by the deafening silence, from me saying I couldn’t make a lunch - compared to the positively gushing replies to Bail Out friend!

I do really value the friend I’m going to see for her 50th, however I just don’t know if she really values me either. I don’t know whether to cancel. It seems a shame my child was looking forward to seeing hers too.

We won’t lost much money by the way. However I did spend a really long time over organizing! Bail out friend ignored the last few requests for info and I had to chase her up which was even more annoying.

Haven't RTFT but if you've known each other for thirty years and met at university you'll all be going through menopause right now, so dial back a bit and catch up with them later.

Can't you do something just you and dd instead of travelling for 'friend's' 50th? Can she go to a spa? Or anything you'll both enjoy? Maybe an art workshop?

Friend who separated and has one child aged 17 that can stay at her mums down the road or her Dads

Wow. I thought you meant seven years old. At 17, they are no longer a child and should be able to stay on their own in their own home for a couple of days. Many have left home and are at uni at 17, so the 17 year old does not need to stay anywhere except their own home.

I would simply copy/paste most of your OP into the group chat. Let the chips fall where they may. What do you have to lose? Really? What do you have to lose? They should be made to know how you are thinking and feeling, since you have organised everything, and they are treating it as a joke, they should be feeling guilty for the work you've put into it. It isn't about burning bridges. If you are not being respected or valued, what bridge is there left? If you say nothing to them, nothing will change. You need to tell them what you've told us.

I agree with banoffee

Sounds like this group was being held together by you and if you don't do the organising they'll branch off and do their own thing and that's ok. When Bail Out friend said she wasn't able to come, were you the first to reply to her? And the others just joined in so not to look bad? I've lost in a similar way a very old friendship too, it's heartbreaking like a breakup really! But I try and think that we had the past in common with us and that was what was holding us together.

@BanoffeeTart Because her friends clearly thought it was a great idea, were enthusiastic, and agreed. That's why they should feel guilty. If they didn't want to go in the first place, they should have said so. Instead of stringing her along, knowing she was doing the organising. I am shocked you think someone who is doing the organising - at the friends' behest - doesn't deserve respect or the right to feel used and upset. That is a CF attitude if ever there was one. This is not someone who ingratiated herself into a group and took over and 'won't take the hint', this is a group of friends who have known each other for many years. The OP is owed so much more than the disrespect and disregard she is being shown, and if you think people who drop out for no reason, after all the organising, at the last minute, shouldn't feel guilty well I am shocked at your attitude. The friends who bailed should be begging OP for forgiveness and apologising to her. It's called morals and basic common decency.

@lurkingattheback accept people have busy lives and use technology differently. Don't take it all so personally.

I would think anyone would take it personally when they've; made all the arrangements, organised the function, etc. alone. LET ALONE travelling 300 miles. As an adult it is irresponsible to commit to something and muck someone around like that.

I have a friendship group like this. There is a definite 'alpha' in the group as I suspect there is n in yours and I wouldn't be surprised if it's the girl who isn't coming.

What kind of reply were you expecting though, OP? You know now that they are not interested in a weekend away and they know that you don't want to come up for lunch.

You mention that you hoped the holiday would draw you closer together so I think there have been issues before but because you are rather invested in the group personally you have brushed them aside. You've taken their refusal to go away for the weekend as a personal slight on yourself and the group's friendship when it's not that - they just don't want to go on a weekend away!

If it is something you were looking forward to I can see that you would be disappointed - but to say that the friendship is 'crumbling' is a little over-dramatic. Because apart from them not wanting to go away for the weekend, what has changed here?

you'll all be going through menopause right now, so dial back a bit and catch up with them later.

Good Lord, I didn't realise I was going to have to hibernate when I go through the menopause.

you'll all be going through menopause right now, so dial back a bit and catch up with them later.

As someone going through the menopause, it's no excuse for crap behaviour.