To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

[Warmfirechocolate]

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

We are never going to do something as special as the weekend again

Honestly, OP, that sounds a bit catastrophising and melodramatic, as if you are looking for a group reaction to you saying you can't make a lunch to match the reaction the person who dropped out of the weekend got.

If you see one another so seldom, you can't really know for definite what is going on in the drop-out's life. Maybe she really couldn't afford it. Maybe when it came to committing to it, she didn't fancy a weekend away with a bunch of people she'd known for her entire adult life having one of those 'implicitly comparing our lives' sessions, especially if she's not feeling great about her own.

It seems a bit much ditch a group of friends you say are 'amazing' over.

I feel a bit ousted if I’m frank, they will fit in with each other but not me

There's the problem. If you are the one who lives miles away it's quite possible they all meet up without you on a regular basis. Not because they dislike you but because there is no reason why they shouldn't. It gets really difficult when a friendship group is expected to not meet up because one person can't make it etc. It inevitably means that people meet up quietly. This means then that their bonds are potentially stronger. Sounds like you have just drifted apart.

Lengths of friendships mean nothing, we change so much over the years. My shortest friendship is my best one. People are people and history doesn't count for as much as people think if you meet truly decent people.

It does sound like they are your only friendship group as you pinned everything on them. You do need to make friends in your local area. You will feel less vulnerable then!

It sounds like you are still living your uni life
No it doesn't. Can't see a single hint of that. OP is busy with her adult life & this celebration was a once-in-10-years thing.

and you want to go on a 'girls only holiday' when the rest of your friends are more mature and want to have lunch together.
A "girls only holiday" i.e weekend event which has been agreed to a year in advance & taken a huge amount of planning. A weekend they were all keen on until one friend flaked out.

Nice dig there with the assumption of "more mature" friends though @SweetSally, just what a poster looking for advice on her hurt feelings needs.
Of course it's REALLY immature to be single parenting a young disabled child, travelling 300 miles & doing all the event organising - but SO mature to flake out on an arrangement that has been agreed a year in advance ...

Actually I've come over a bit about the whole "more mature" comment. I was utterly ignorant of the fact that a lunch is now seen as more mature than a weekend away. Who knew?!

It gets really difficult when a friendship group is expected to not meet up because one person can't make it etc

Although the other 4 friends find no difficulty in it at all. All soon as Bailing Out Friend cancelled, they all did. So clearly they are happy to expect not to meet up because one person couldn't/wouldn't make it.

Although the other 4 friends find no difficulty in it at all. All soon as Bailing Out Friend cancelled, they all did. So clearly they are happy to expect not to meet up because one person couldn't/wouldn't make it.

Yes but if they all have a stronger bond than the OP (because they live closer together) then they will be happier to leave her out, which is why I said they have drifted apart. I didn't say it was right but it is what tends to happen.

I know I am feeling particularly gutted and sorry for myself I admit. I do feel we are quite special friends, and that all together we just have the most wonderful time and have seen each other through a lot. I think the weekend together would have redrawn us back as a group in a way that would have cemented those bonds again in a way that a lunch together just wouldn’t at all. So I know it’s me that is most upset, but I think we are all throwing away something a bit unique.

It was for our 50th.

Two of the friends live near each other so have a good bond anyway. Two others live about 100 miles in different directions. I live the furthest.

The friend who bailed lives close to the other that was the first to say let’s call it all off.

I understand what it's like to have friendships miles away from home. Whenni graduated from uni, they ended up living not far from the university while I went back to my home town. I ended up commuting for my first proper job, everyone else was locally based. It was a pain in the arse attending social events as I relied on public transport. Even though I made some fantastic friends over the eight years there, it wasnt sustainable. No one wanted to meet me halfway, and I was getting sick of all the travelling. Can you try making some local friends and forget about the long distance ones?

I’ve newer friends and they are lovely too. I just feel that old friends are irreplaceable and we are all chucking something very good away, just for the sake of making room for one weekend? I’m disappointed we were such a good set. It doesn’t feel like it will be quite the same now.

Although sadly they do not seem to extend the same "one out, all out" courtesy to the OP.

I feel a bit ousted if I’m frank, they will fit in with each other but not me.
Not surprising OP, & I suspect you might feel better if you calmly & politely told them so.
It looks like youve decided just not to go to this lunch ...? - maybe have a sleep on that, because as PP observed above, there is an entirely workable compromise whereby you could perhaps stay with one of them overnight & also do the lunch. Disappointing that they haven't suggested it - but rather than just duck out & maybe cut off your nose to spite your face, you could choose to let them know how you feel.
Something along the lines of below would allow them to either make a single fucking effort at communication to let you know how they will help you attend the lunch, OR show that they don't care enough for you to be bothered with them anymore. And at least if it's the latter you go out the group on your terms, without that awful smothered feeling we can get when nobody is hearing us!

"I did all the organising, I even made sure to double-check periodically that you were still all keen to go, & every one of you told me every time that you were. Now that Bailout has cancelled, all my hard work in planning the weekend is for nothing as the rest of you have decided to also change your minds. Driving 300 miles just for a meal out doesn't really make sense for me, but none of you have answered any of my messages about what might be convenient for me, so I'm feeling now that none of you care whether I can make it or not. Yet you care enough about Bailout not being able to make the planned weekend to all also cancel. As I'm sure you can imagine, that feels a little hurtful to me. I would have happily covered Bailout's costs for the weekend as it was mutually agreed it was a special 'once in a decade' event, but I'm starting to feel it's not about the money, it's about just not wanting to see me. I'd be really happy if any of you would please not ignore this message like the last one, & let me know if this is the case or not."

Will you plan something lovely with your new friends for your 50th?
I has mine this year, it’s a special time of life and I spent some time reflecting on how things are going and friendships and what I wanted from life etc.

I think it may be time to take a step back and call time on this friendship. Sometimes you outgrow relationships and it sounds like the two who have bailed/called it off are the closest and are only interested in each other and not the group as a whole. You have done well to maintain it as long as you have. Take a step back especially if it is always you who does the arranging and lives the furthest away. Life is too short to waste time on friends who do not put any effort in or who do not value you as you do them. Old friends are certainly replaceable. Nice to have a shared history but some of them never grow out of their childhood roles and people change over a lifetime.

I have planned a family event for my 50th plus some friends, I invited the old set but not one could make it. I’m going to one of their 50th events travelling 300 miles, booked train in advance, not the bailed out one, still feel a bit of a mug now. The other three haven’t said they are having their own 50ths so not sure.

I’m also going through a particularly rough time at the moment which may be one reason I’m so pissed off. I was really looking forward to it. I thought we all were we’ve talked about it for a year! We see each other twice a year at least and we still tell each other everything in our lives.

I can’t afford it is an excuse in my opinion. As adults we can prioritise our money accordingly. If she really wanted to go she would make it happen

This could only ever be said by someone who has no idea what it's like to have no money, in my opinion.

@messolini9

It's obvious the big birthday thing is a 50th birthday celebration.

It's a mature persons birthday. You celebrate with friends and family. Having a holiday with your uni mates is a bit unusual and the original poster has got her expectations high to want 4 other women to dumb their children and families and go on a holiday.

Very hurtful to find that others aren't as invested as we are. You took a lot of care over organising the weekend and it wasn't appreciated enough. I'd take a step back and see how I felt in a few weeks. I wouldn't do anything drastic now.

@sweetsally we are lifelong friends! And this is what we all decided to do. We’ve met up with our children lots of times but we wanted to celebrate how long we’ve all been friends for. I’ve not called people I haven’t seen for 30 years. we are all doing also our own celebrations but this was for us.

@messolini9 thanks these are fair points. I’m sick of compromising to be honest, everyone decided to do a lunch instead without even hearing if I could go! I’m not traveling for a lunch. I can’t be bothered.

It's a mature persons birthday. You celebrate with friends and family.
Sorry Miss. Another prescriptive & peremptory MN rule I didn't know about, Miss. Also, I've been breaking it for over 7 years now, celebrating with Uni-age friends & new ones. Didn't know how very, very, out of order that was Miss. Do I get dentention now?

Having a holiday with your uni mates is a bit unusual
It isn't. Loads of old mates do this. Mine do - see above - I now realise of course that this is transgressive.

and the original poster has got her expectations high to want 4 other women to dumb their children and families and go on a holiday.
OP's expectations were exactly the same as those of the other 4 women. They ALL were up for a once-in-10-years weekend. They ALL sounded excited & keen every time OP (maturely!) checked throughout the year of planning that they were still up for it.
Your suppositions about maturity, or lack of it, are baseless.

I'd step back, swallow the train costs, and not go to the one friend's 50th. They don't seem that keen to join in your celebrations.

I’m not traveling for a lunch. I can’t be bothered.

Attagirl. YANBU to have been hurt by this, & sounds like you have already achieved a sense of resignation & "WTF" & are getting back on with your merry life.

Happy 50th, when it rolls around

The others are being ridiculous to cancel the whole weekend because of one who can't be arsed to go, for whatever reason. I have a group of friends and if we organise a weekend and some can't go, the rest of us just go. You can't sit around waiting for a weekend where everyone is free. Last time we went one was a maybe, one was a no, 5 said yes but 3 ended up going. Didn't stop the 3 of us who went. I would definitely step back from suggesting meet ups and arranging anything again. And I wouldn't drive 300 miles for a meal out.

I also wouldn't go to the 50th.

It hard when you move away as obviously others carry on with their lives.

But none of them sound interested in seeing you

They haven't replied to you in 4 days. They've already moved on from this. They are not invested in this and it's time you stopped as well.

I’m going to one of their 50th events travelling 300 miles, booked train in advance, not the bailed out one, still feel a bit of a mug now.

Flog the ticket. Send a message, 'Sorry, won't be able to make it to X event. Wishing you all the best.x'

And then just leave it. You're doing all the chasing here.