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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

207 replies

Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 12:31

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

OP posts:
fiorentina · 10/12/2019 17:29

Whilst I totally understand it’s frustrating to do work and it not go anywhere, we had a similar situation with uni friends and a big birthday. Some wanting to do a ‘big weekend’ together and others of us wanting to spread budget for celebrations with other friends too. It did make it awkward.

I would back off and plan some good celebrations with other friends.

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/12/2019 17:42

It is very likely that;
a) money is much tighter for her than you
b) Although she can almost certainly leave her 17yo for a single night 2 or 3 which is what would be needed for a weekend is a much more complex undertaking
c) Her need for childfree time is almost certainly less than yours.

I love the way some posters construct a complete fairy tale based purely on their own assumptions.

Maltesefalcon · 10/12/2019 18:09

Really feel for you OP 😢

dontalltalkatonce · 10/12/2019 18:10

Oh, DEFINITELY don't travel 300 bloody miles for a lunch!

Have you lost money on deposits or the like?

When is the 50th you've already booked tickets for? Can you sell off the tickets?

Have they even replied to your 'I can't make it to the lunch' yet?

messolini9 · 10/12/2019 18:10

I love the way some posters construct a complete fairy tale based purely on their own assumptions.

Well quite, @AlexaAmbidextra - even when, in this instance, the OP has confirmed that out of the 5 of them SHE is the "shaky" one referred to in the initial post, (meaning financially shaky)
& that the Bailout Friend being referenced as "money is tighter for her than you" owns her house outright - as it was given to her.

We all put our own spin on things but you are right, some of the projection & invention is startling.

Lou12124 · 10/12/2019 18:12

YANBU. This friend shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place if she didnt want to go. And I know circumstances can change but you would know a fair bit of time in advance that you cant afford it so should say...not go along with it...waste peoples time planning and then drop out. That pi*s me off!

FelicisNox · 10/12/2019 18:14

@Warmfirechocolate YANBU at all, they are.

@SweetSally the only fantasy here is the one in your head that you so unwisely wrote on this forum.

Did you even read the post? It is very clear that it was a special weekend agreed by ALL parties, a once in a 10 year event. Does that sound SATC to you?

OP: it's shitty and it's a common occurrence for most of us. I also have the same issue. I put a bolo out on the group chat to say "hey, anyone interested in a meal and catch up?".

Literally everyone goes "yeah great idea let's organise it!".

Then nothing happens because one doesn't drive in the dark and will only meet for a midday meal, one doesnt like to pay for parking because they don't charge for parking in her home town dontcha know? One has to be home by 7pm for her grandma (she's in her 30's but her Gran doesnt like her going out) and 2 agree to go and then kick us over for a better offer.

It's farcical that a group of adults cannot get together for one measly stinking catch up meal but there you have it: adult life.

Reality check people: if you don't think enough of your friends to catch up with them once in a blue moon and come out with every excuse under the sun then you are the problem, not the person trying to maintain a relationship.

Span1elsRock · 10/12/2019 18:16

It sounds really shit OP.

I'd wait for them to be in touch now. And focus your energies on people who deserve it.

Flowers
dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 18:18

This is par for the course Im afraid! Friends from a while ago move on and plans get changed .As many of them have young children ,it is not as easy to go off for W/E and so on. Many of them were maybe not super keen in the first place ! Maybe look for new chums ,Mums at the School Gates ,Friends at work and so on.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/12/2019 18:19

@Warmfirechocolate - this is rotten for you. I think there's maybe two options 1) back off, let it go and vow not to get so involved - but that would really let the 30 year friendship go. or 2) I thought that @messolini9 s suggested text was on the right lines. I really think you should call them out on this. Tell them how hurt you are and ask why has no one even bothered to reply? Maybe after that call the one that you are closest to and ask what is going on....There's lots of assumptions, but perhaps there will be some insights that help you to feel better about the whole thing and also you will have let them know how you feel. If the alternative is letting the whole friendship go I think you have nothing to lose by finding out more and even asking them why no reply? It might start a dialogue which will help come up with something that suits all of you. Best of luckx

Queenest · 10/12/2019 18:33

Can you each put £15-20 away in an account every month - I do this with friends and it soon adds up. Before you know it you have enough money for a trip and nobody has to suddenly find the money.

Pawsandnoses · 10/12/2019 18:44

I'm actually amused that there is a comment that states that OP is 'cutting off her nose to spite her face' for refusing a 600 mile round trip to go for lunch!

messolini9 · 10/12/2019 18:55

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thanks very much! - even as writing that screed, I wondered if it might come over as arsey & was deffo looking to avoid any pass-agg tone.

But it seems too sad to OP to either walk away & lose 30 years of chumship, OR not at least let the people on the other end of this know what her feelings are, & give them a chance to at least say sorry.

I suspect a 'sorry' would go a long way for the OP, but people seem to have such short attention spans & poor comms skills nowadays (get me, old trout). It doesn't seem to have occurred to the other 4 how hurtful they have been.

There's also that law of (googles avidly, ah yes) 'Bystander Effect', which I think might be at play in the lack of response to OP on the group messaging. Each of the 4 thinks somebody ELSE will make the first reply ... so of course no one does ... a couple of days elapse & we are back to attention span/comms skills again.

No wonder OP feels left out in the cold - enough to say "ousted" iirc ... it's really piss poor behaviour, but from the outside, easy to see how each of the 4 friends thought somebody else was communicating with OP.

What the excuse is for not bothering to respond to her message about 300 miles for lunch being a daft proposition for her though - that's beyond me.

BanoffeeTart · 10/12/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeditionSue · 10/12/2019 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nuxe1984 · 10/12/2019 19:25

Sometimes it's easier to cling onto old friendships, even when the dynamics have changed, than make new ones. It's also hard to.let go when you share a lot of history together.
But it sounds as though you're investing more in this friendship group than they are and that things have moved on already.
I would let it go. Invest in the future, not the past. Don't go to their 50th events .... after all they can be bothered to come to yours.

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 19:34

Sorry just realised my mistake, children are teenagers not "young children" !

Cornishclio · 10/12/2019 19:44

I would also get a refund on your train ticket for the 50th party you were originally going to and not bother. Particularly if you are tight for money.

myrtleWilson · 10/12/2019 20:06

Lordy, the amount of mental gymnastics some posters have gone through to suggest the OP is BU here is quite incredible. And even if the friendship has revealed itself to have changed and not be what the OP thought - she is more than entitled to mourn for a friendship of three decades which is in her words 'crumbling'. Whilst I agree with the sentiment of dust yourself off and find new friends I do think it should always be prefaced with - its okay to find this a shitty place to be - take the time you need to recognise and adapt to that loss.

Mess I think your post about the OP saying something was really interesting - Am not sure in her position I'd have the gumption to be honest - that little part of me thinking this would burn all the bridges would be screaming loud. However, once the dust has settled and in the event that one of the group sends a "hi, how you doing" type message - presumably assuming they were out of the line of fire, I would be tempted to be coolly distant and explain how excluded I felt.

scubadive · 10/12/2019 20:12

Can you not let them know how hurt you feel after all your planning and effort. Say that you are having a rough time right now and we’re really looking forward to this.

Be honest and see what they say.

Daisydrum · 10/12/2019 20:15

OP, the two who live near eachother are clearly having their own conversations and stirring it. (And as they have a good bond as you say they are always going to back eachother up and a lunch is easy for them! #selfish).
The other two I would message separately and see if you can meet up with them separately or what their opinions are on the big 50th meet up. Say honestly was the weekend away a bad idea?
Or invite them all to yours (even if you don’t have the space as they won’t come!) and see what the reaction is. If its I can’t drive 300 miles, then you can say its ironic that you can’t just once but I’m expected to everytime.

Jellyrunner · 10/12/2019 20:17

I have been in a not too dissimilar situation, looks like you are the one who always make the effort. Let it all go and find some new chums, I know that is hard after such a long time as friends, but they aren’t worth the negative energy this is giving you

Mary46 · 10/12/2019 20:46

Women can be very flaky. Feel for you op. I found that too very non commital. We went away for my 40th six years ago. I find an element of lazy too leave it up to 1 to check venues! Then excuses start

mylifestory · 10/12/2019 21:23

Try notn replying for a while and see if they can't be bothered without u doing all the work. Been there done that.

Shazbagz · 10/12/2019 21:28

If everyone else has dropped out just because one of them has, I'm betting nobody was that keen in the first place but the others didn't want to be the one who cancelled first. I'd back off to be honest and focus on other friendships.

This. I have been the person who had to pull out and insisted everyone else still meet as I then wanted stories back! And they still met, I got the stories and we carried on fine. You defo need to take a backseat and let them charge up. Well done you for the effort, I so appreciate folk who can organise. They need to make effort now x