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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted friend has backed out last minute AGAIN and give up on 30 year friendship group?

207 replies

Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 12:31

I have a small group of 5 friends from University, all women who have known me all of my life. They are amazing. Three of us are divorced, one of us is shaky and one happily married. All have children.

I love them loads but I’ve just had enough! I feel absolutely gutted one of them has dropped out of a weekend planned and so now nobody wants to go.

Next year we’ve planned a weekend away all together without kids or husbands. I did all the planning, finding places to stay and costs etc. Plus finding a weekend we can all make, it’s been quite a bit of work for me! And then just before I was to do the final booking one of them has dropped out, saying she can’t afford it. Even though we’d all have chipped in. It was for our joint significant birthdays so a special one off.

So now the other friends don’t want to go, as all in or nothing, fair enough. However I feel that this is just the end of a long line of trying to get us together over the last few years and I’m tired of it. I live furthest away and have the youngest kids so it’s been most hard for me tbh, and yet I’m the one who visits them all, goes to their parties or events, amd I feel like just giving up.

Everyone was really excited about this weekend away, me especially, and it just feels like a sign that they just don’t value the friendship much anymore. I’m sad as these long term friendships are irreplaceable.

The friend who dropped out is getting lots of sympathy from everyone else, as she’s said she’s very sorry etc yet no one had apologised to me for putting all the wasted work in! Sigh...

They’ve suggested a meal out or lunch instead all together. But I’ve actually said no. I have to travel 300 miles and leave my young kids and stay in a hotel so after being let down I don’t want to do this watered down version. I told them (nicely) that I appreciate the cancelling of the weekend on our shared social media group but won’t necessarily be available for just a lunch as I have to travel so far and I got no reply.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FloraMacDonald · 09/12/2019 14:46

How will you feel when if they all go for lunch without you?

justmyview · 09/12/2019 14:48

If everyone else has dropped out just because one of them has, I'm betting nobody was that keen in the first place but the others didn't want to be the one who cancelled first

Not necessarily. I have 3 close friends. We occasionally arrange to go away together. If one couldn't afford it, we would do something else to include them

Molly2016 · 09/12/2019 14:53

I can’t afford it is an excuse in my opinion.
As adults we can prioritise our money accordingly. If she really wanted to go she would make it happen.
Are there other friends you could do something with to celebrate the birthday? It hurts more if there isn’t.
I’ve been in this position myself and worked hard on expanding my friendship circle so that when one group of friends let me down I have others to fall back on. It has helped take the focus away from the flakey friends.

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 14:55

YANBU, I’d be pissed off too. Travelling 300 miles for dinner is a ludicrous suggestion. Just slowly wean away from them, it’s sad but this sometimes happens with friendships.

Bibidy · 09/12/2019 14:59

I get it OP, it's so frustrating and can feel really hurtful.

I have a similar situation within my group of 5 (plus me) schoolfriends...and none of us even have kids yet! It just feels like everyone talks the talk but it's so difficult to get us all together, even though they all seem to be able to make time for other things with other people. Myself and 2 others make the effort, the rest are just a nightmare and it makes me not want to bother anymore.

The thing is when there's only a small group of you, it only takes 1 person to pull out to make something not worth it doesn't it?

I don't blame you for not wanting to go to that dinner. I wouldn't want to travel and book a hotel when there's a chance I could be let down again.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 09/12/2019 15:01

Sorry to sound harsh op but it sounds like you're the planner of the group and got carried away with you're planning and wanted this big weekend away for a big birthday celebrations when in reality that's not what the group really wanted now when one of the members of the group said they cant go they group have voted with their feet but any money has been paid. Sometimes the simplest celebrations are the best. It's not their fault if you live the furthest away could you not stay with one of them. I have friends from university we meet up on when we can but live does get in the way especially with kids in the way one group we just never see at all anymore.

StrayWoman · 09/12/2019 15:01

Can't you all find somewhere equidistant to just meet up for 1 night?

Cheap travelodge and a night in the pub?

My oldest group of friends spans pretty much from the furthest southern point of the UK to the bottom of Scotland, and this is what we do. It's a 3 hour train journey for me, I set off at 7am, get the train home the next day.

senua · 09/12/2019 15:05

Travelling 300 miles for dinner is a ludicrous suggestion.
Not necessarily. Can't you invite yourself to stay the weekend with whoever you like best out of the group.
Dinner with the group and a nice w/e with best friend. Win/win.

ConstanceL · 09/12/2019 15:07

Sounds like the others weren't that bothered about the weekend - is the one who dropped out the centre of the group, the one who everyone likes the best? If not it does seem a bit odd that none of the others will go without this one person. But like a pp said, it's easier to drop out once someone has done so first. It sucks, but it sounds like they don't feel the same bonds of friendship that you do :(

dontalltalkatonce · 09/12/2019 15:11

Just take a step back from them and start investing more in other relationships. I wouldn't travel that far for a meal out, either. They sound flakey.

dontalltalkatonce · 09/12/2019 15:13

Stop putting yourself out for them by suggesting compromises and the like because they don't seem to care.

sugarbum · 09/12/2019 15:27

I absolutely understand. I have a similar group. Its always a logistical nightmare for the full group to meet up so we only really manage it once a year with all of us, but we never cancel if just one person can't come. Some of them live really close together but a couple of us live farther away (there's a get together this weekend at someones house for instance, but its too far for me to drive right now)
I think its shit frankly. To have let you get this far with organising and then for them all to drop out. I understand you're gutted, but don't give up. Just don't 'give' as much in the future.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 15:29

I’m backing off completely from their friendships. I’m not going to any meal next year, need to make new friends perhaps?

I messaged them four days ago telling them I wasn’t sure I’d make a meal and not one person has replied.

The friend who bailed has often done this last minute in the past which is why I especially checked with her months ago to see if she really wanted a weekend or not, she was adamant she’d love it.

Urgh... I feel like I’ve lost the heart of one of my most important friendship groupings. We are never going to do something as special as the weekend again. Sad as the moment has passed.

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 09/12/2019 15:31

I can’t afford it is an excuse in my opinion. As adults we can prioritise our money accordingly. If she really wanted to go she would make it happen.

Righto 😂

Tbh I would expect a weekend away to be an all or nothing thing, but wouldn't think anything of them meeting for lunch without you if they l live nearby. Different scale of commitment.

Original poster
Warmfirechocolate · 09/12/2019 15:38

@molly we are all turning a ‘significant’ birthday so that’s why we all decided on a special weekend away. We’ve kept up ad hoc over the years, I always go to one of theirs, and if we all can’t make it we still did it. I feel a bit ousted if I’m frank, they will fit in with each other but not me.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 09/12/2019 15:45

I had something similar a couple of years ago. Used to be 4 Uni friends, then 1 moved away (fair enough). Still used to regularly try and arrange meet ups with the remaining 3 of us (and it used to be mainly be doing the organising) but gradually over the years the meet ups became less frequent and often we'd had something arranged and one of them would drop out a day or two before. Then I found out that the two remaining friends had a shared hobby and were regularly meeting up just the two of them to do their hobby (fair enough) but also arranging social meet ups just the two of them too. I eventually decided 'fuck it' and just don't bother anymore. Ironically the only one of them I've seen this year is the friend that moved 200 miles away.

KitKat1985 · 09/12/2019 15:49

Sorry I meant to add at the end I've learnt to stop putting the effort into friendships when that effort isn't reciprocated, so I'd stop organising things for them and let someone else do the running around and planning next time.

Wonkybanana · 09/12/2019 15:57

I think you've just grown apart - geographically and emotionally. I suspect the lunch will happen without you, the all or nothing will be conveniently forgotten, or now won't be important.

It hurts OP. But you have to let them go, or you'll face more of the same in future. The sooner you stop, the less hurt you'll experience.

Highfivemum · 09/12/2019 16:03

I feel for you. Not just for the missed weekend away but the realization that you have moved on in life and the old friendship group is not like it was. Do not dwell. You are all at different stages and times in your life and you may all come back together at some point. Good friends rarely just stop being good Friends. 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2019 16:08

Ugh that’s really tough. Before I even saw your post saying they’ve ignored your message, my thought was they’d do the meal without you. It’s hypocritical. All or no one should be just that. Or one of them should have stepped up and invited you to stay at theirs. The fact that no one has bothered to respond even after 4 days speaks volumes.

recrudescence · 09/12/2019 16:11

You’re about to be fifty. Time to cultivate some more reliable friends. With luck they’ll see you out.

TheOliphantintheRoom · 09/12/2019 16:12

Was it a joint 50th?
I think it's bad form for them all to drop out and can understand you being hurt and frustrated.

Don't burn bridges, though, just take some time away from them and see who makes contact.

OllyBJolly · 09/12/2019 16:15

If everyone else has dropped out just because one of them has, I'm betting nobody was that keen in the first place

Yep. If they wanted to do it, they would make it happen. One dropping out gives everyone the welcome excuse to bow out too.

Atalune · 09/12/2019 16:16

It’s really bad form of them I think. Really and truly

Mary46 · 09/12/2019 16:17

Thats very frustrating. I think when friends pull out it just doesnt happen then. Feel for you. I took a step back too was all one sided with a friend me drive to her, all texts from me. Just decided life busy for me too. Hate one sided friendships. Im sure you feel let down.

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