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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
Ariela · 09/12/2019 10:42

Joint definitely. Start charging him for childcare & housekeeping if he feels like that.

Eggies · 09/12/2019 10:44

Xmas Angry I second Ariela

steff13 · 09/12/2019 10:48

Does he usually make it an issue with the money, or was this just because you were in the middle of an argument?

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/12/2019 10:51

You might think that OP and we can all agree- but he obviously doesn't so your issue is with your choice of DH. Is it a joint account? If it's not, he's technically correct isn't he, even if it's not morally right. Of it isn't I'd have a serious chat about his views. Are you on house deeds etc OP?

This is why, as a woman I wouldn't want to be in this position at the grace and favour of a man raising DC and generally making his life easier. As above OP- charge him for childcare and your domestic efforts, or go back to work and share childcare costs. Being financially dependent on someone who is horrible to you is a slippery slope.

Why is he being horrible to you OP, why are you telling him he doesn't deserve a present Confused. Does this happen often?

randomchec · 09/12/2019 10:52

Just telling you are going to work then, and he will have to help out with the childcare .. maybe we do 2 days for starters 😇

Elementary00 · 09/12/2019 10:52

Yes, it's a joint income because you are a family and you are providing childcare which is enabling him to work.

SwampOfDeath · 09/12/2019 10:57

This terrifies me.
Ideally, pool all income, arrange for all expenses and any joint savings to be accounted for, then split remaining funds between you. Separate accounts. Your spending is private.
We're not married but run two joint accounts for expenses and savings and then do whatever we want with our own money. We are on similar salaries though. When I was on maternity leave DP paid all expenses and split remaining funds.

Cacklingmags · 09/12/2019 10:58

He is a cunt. Think about getting back to work as soon as you can. A man with that attitude cannot be trusted.

Wafflecopter · 09/12/2019 11:01

People like your ‘D’H are pathetic. How does he think he is free to go out to work without worrying about his children?! I bet it’s ok if he spends ‘his’ money though, right?

Seadragonusgiganticusmaximus · 09/12/2019 11:09

Writing as the earning husband of a SAHW, of course the income, like (almost) everything else belongs to both of you.

Writing as an adult (sometimes) you both need to grow up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 11:09

He's nasty. Of course it should be joint money; what other choice do you have?

Suggest he stays at home and you return to work.

MsMellivora · 09/12/2019 11:09

There are many people in your set up where the husband is not like this but yours is.

My mother was a bloody awful woman but she gave me one piece of incredibly sage advice and that was never rely on a man for money or have a joint bank account. The no joint account certainly goes against the majority of feeling on MN but it was fine for us as I always earned a decent wage.

OrangeZog · 09/12/2019 11:11

I completely agree with you.

Since you can’t afford childcare and that’s why you are a SAHM, I would book your DC into nursery and start job hunting. Once your DH realises the household is much worse off purely so you can have some money that is his interpretation of yours, then hopefully he will realise how unreasonable he was.

Original poster
Illeana · 09/12/2019 11:12

I’ve tried saying I’m returning to work and he’ll have to take responsibility for childcare half of the week. He says he can’t possibly because he has no flexibility at work, he’s out till 7pm every night. And it’s stupid to reduce his well paid hours just so I can go out and earn min wage. That’s sensible but he can’t then whinge that I have no money!

I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 09/12/2019 11:14

You need to stop making it hypothetical and turn it into a reality. You are going back to work and he needs to either change his hours or else he needs to find the money for some late evening childcare. The choice of the two is his but you being the default carer to fall back on is no longer an option because you will be working.

BirdandSparrow · 09/12/2019 11:14

He sounds like a wanker.

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:14

There is no point telling the OP to just go back to work - she has clearly said they can’t afford it, so her earning power must be less than the cost of childcare.

OP, I would suggest a serious conversation with your DH, explaining how very hurt you are by his comments and exploring whether and to what extent he genuinely feels like this. If he supports his previous comments in any way, you may have to think about flexible plans for getting an income of your own: whether family could help with childcare, whether he could get a better paid job to allow you to work yourself, whether you could retrain or change jobs to earn more.

Goes without saying that his comment was outrageous.

McCanne · 09/12/2019 11:15

What would he do about childcare if you weren’t there? Does he even appreciate that you are the reason he’s able to go to work?

StoppinBy · 09/12/2019 11:17

Do you think he just said it because you were fighting? Sounds like something designed to barb you after you had just stung him with what you said.

OrangeZog · 09/12/2019 11:18

There is no point telling the OP to just go back to work - she has clearly said they can’t afford it, so her earning power must be less than the cost of childcare.

I disagree because it sounds like it’s the principle that her DH is working on so she needs to as well. If he won’t allow her access to the money he earns then she needs to get a job and he needs to take 50% of the responsibly for whatever costs are incurred and 100% of the responsibility if it puts the household into deficit.

Most childminders charge less per hour than NMW so whilst the likelihood is the OP will end up earning after tax pretty much equivalent of what the household will spend on childcare, she will only be paying for half of it so will be better off. Her DH will probably be far worse off, especially since he will also be paying all the mortgage payments as the OP has paid her half.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/12/2019 11:19

Well what's the opposite of that? Is he saying then, logically they're not his kids because you're the one responsible for them?

Didn't think so.

You're a family. You share the tasks.

One of the tasks is bringing in external money so the family can surivive externally: food, utilities, mortgage.

One of the tasks is caring for the children while they are too small to be elsewhere, which needs someone physically there, so the family can function internally.

No job is more important than the other.

You may be the one in charge of the children but that doesn't mean that they belong to you.

He may be in charge of the external cash but that doesn't mean that it belongs to him.

If you had to pick one that was more important? Well, if he didn't turn up to work one morning nobody would die. If you left the babies alone for the day and fucked off somewhere, there's a fair chance one of them would die. If you really want to look at it like that...

If he wants to be a dick who doesn't want to understand how a family should work because he likes to feel as if he's the most important one then he needs to be culled from that family, because he's not on the team.

WobblyLady · 09/12/2019 11:19

This is the position I was in, my DH has supported me for 30 years, when the children were little and now through ill health, I cannot work but he would never say that to me, he says it is our money. I can spend what I like. How awful of your DH to throw that in your face.

churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:19

I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

What?! Oh no, that isn’t how it works, is it? If you have separate money, you have half a house and he has the debt, no?

He sounds like an utter dick, OP. I would suggest leaving him, cashing in your equity - please tell me you protected it - and using some of that money to set up independently.

Canyousewcushions · 09/12/2019 11:20

It sounds like you were both being petty.

Its not kind to say someone didn't deserve a gift, and I think in his shoes I would have responded similarly (in a slightly tongue in cheek way) to what you said, if I was the sole earnee of the money that was spent on my present anyway.

It sounds like it was possibly a response to your unkindness. If this is the case, then I think you both need to apologise for a silly argument and then go and get each other Christmas gifts.

However, if this kind of issue with ownership of money is a regular thing, it's completely different and I'd be considering my future carefully if I were in your shoes. Yes, it should be joint money when you are off work to raise your child, which presumably was a joint decision.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 09/12/2019 11:20

He said it in the middle of an argument, and in context I can see why he did.

I can also see your point of view as well. If you both agreed that you would be a SAHM and live on his wages then that's what you both agreed.

He just said it as a retort to you throwing the present buying in his face. I'm not surprised he said what he did. Neither were that nice.

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