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AIBU?

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

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LagunaBubbles · 09/12/2019 12:17

BUT have to say buying him a present for his bday out of your joint money is a bit like he bought himself a present

Its nothing like it if money is a joint family income, only if the working partner sees it as all their money.

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Illeana · 09/12/2019 12:21

the family could manage the OP going back to work financially, and it’s just that he won’t have his comfy life disrupted
We could certainly afford childcare, it would just leave us worse off. Of course then DH couldn’t just unilaterally agree to all business trips and working late and going out to play football on whatever random night his mates suggest it. Because we’d have a schedule and I wouldn’t be there to provide flexibility.

You're happy to spend his wages as joint, but paid off your half of the mortgage with your inheritance?
Exactly. I paid my inheritance off OUR house (before we had DC) because it was OUR joint money. But now he’s insisting his salary is his! Ok so if his salary is his that means my inheritance was mine, so I’ve paid off my half of the house and the remaining mortgage is his. He can’t have it both ways.

OP posts:
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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:23

We could certainly afford childcare, it would just leave us worse off. Of course then DH couldn’t just unilaterally agree to all business trips and working late and going out to play football on whatever random night his mates suggest it. Because we’d have a schedule and I wouldn’t be there to provide flexibility.

Then you have to do it. He can’t treat you like this and expect you to live on his ‘charity’. Put some job applications in! Tell him to suck it up.

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MumW · 09/12/2019 12:23

He's being a complete arse.

@Adaline: If his salary is considered joint, then surely the house and the inheritance are joint too? OP can't have it both ways. Either all money is joint (including the inheritance that paid off half the house) or it's separate.
I think the only reason the OP has suggested that the inheritance isn't joint is because her DH doesn't see his salary as joint - it's the DH that wants it both ways.

OP, tell him that if it's his money, then

1: you want your inheritance back off the mortgage and you will pay your half of the mortgage repayments out of that until you can go back to work (don't forget that the monthly repayments will increase significantly).

2: Give him a bill for childcare/housekeeping - you can buy him presents from that if he starts to behave himself

He can't have it both ways.


If my DH started with that attitude, then I think I would seriously be considering it a deal breaker. When men start this kind of attitude after children are born it suggests that they don't see you both as equal partners in the family. The seem to forget that the children are a joint responsibility and the only reason that they can continue with their careers is because the women has given up on hers to take on both her half and his half of the childcare responsibilities.

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mixtap · 09/12/2019 12:24

He's a wanker and horribly unappreciative.
He should be so grateful that you put your inheritance into the family home and halved the mortgage.
Charge him monthly interest on that money.
Charge him for everything you do for him.
Charge him for childcare. Charge him for childbirth come to that.
Add it all up and make him pay monthly into a separate account for you. Seriously. Stingy, unappreciative man.

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userxx · 09/12/2019 12:25

I'd get looking for a job if can afford the childcare.

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StreetwiseHercules · 09/12/2019 12:26

“ I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.”

What an absolute fucking thundercunt!!!

I’m a dad. Please feel free to tell him what I think of him.

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Illeana · 09/12/2019 12:28

Just to clarify, I paid my inheritance off the mortgage before we had DC and regarded it as our joint money. And now I’m staying at home with DC I regard DH’s salary as joint money too.

However if DH wants to say his salary is solely his - fine, but by that logic I guess that means my inheritance was mine and I’ve paid off my half of the house. DH’s response to that logic is to say it doesn’t work that way because I inherited that money - it can’t be my contribution because I didn’t contribute it, it was gifted by my Gran.

OP posts:
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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 12:28

Of course then DH couldn’t just unilaterally agree to all business trips and working late and going out to play football on whatever random night his mates suggest it.

So this is what it’s all about. He’s very selfish OP, I’m sorry to say.

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KaptenKrusty · 09/12/2019 12:29

id be annoyed though if my husband spent a lot of money on a pressie for me though when only one of is working - because it just doesn't make sense! it works both ways - and obviously if you bought it on the credit card it is maybe a bit too much - and now it is on him to pay that off (yes with joint money - but still)

I can totally see why he is a bit annoyed!

However there is no need for him to act like such a dick about it - he should just say thank you and then maybe start a convo about you guys having a budget for future pressies for each other - depending on what you can afford!

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Obligatorync · 09/12/2019 12:29

I'd be rethinking the entire relationship based purely on the mortgage comment, let alone everything else.

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userxx · 09/12/2019 12:30

Well by his logic he still owes half the mortgage as the other half is owned by your gran :)

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ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2019 12:32

YABU. It takes the shine off a present if you've paid for it yourself - even if the funds it comes from are your joint earnings because one partner is contributing in other ways. In your position, I'd have a moratorium on presents (both ways) until both of you are earning again.

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rwalker · 09/12/2019 12:34

Unless it's a regular thing I'd let it go to be told "you don't deserve a present" as if you were a naughty kid would piss me off and he fired back with this .
Thing is when you are the sole earner all the finical pressure sits with you and you can end up feeling like you are just a cash cow .

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MumW · 09/12/2019 12:35

@MsRomanoff, Start charging him for childcare & housekeeping if he feels like that.
This is the most ridiculous response to threads like this.

I think you are being a bit pedantic here and know very well that it is the principle that matters here.

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GrumpyHoonMain · 09/12/2019 12:36

I will come into this argument from a different approach - it’s clear, reading OP’s posts, that neither she nor her DP appreciate the work the other person is doing. She doesn’t appreciate that the money he’s bringing in and he doesn’t appreciate her not earning.

Both of you need to start appreciating the different yet vital jobs you do for each other. For you Op that means leaving him to care for the kids / house by himself for a few hours every weekend - he clearly has no idea how things work at home which is why he’s able to justify treating you like shit

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Equanimitas · 09/12/2019 12:37

I’ve tried saying I’m returning to work and he’ll have to take responsibility for childcare half of the week. He says he can’t possibly because he has no flexibility at work, he’s out till 7pm every night. And it’s stupid to reduce his well paid hours just so I can go out and earn min wage

That's fine, he can pay for childminders up to 7 pm for his half of the week.

DH’s response to that logic is to say it doesn’t work that way because I inherited that money - it can’t be my contribution because I didn’t contribute it, it was gifted by my Gran.

That's bollocks. What does he suggest would have happened to it if you hadn't used it for the mortgage? Should you have given it back to your Gran's estate? Or would it then be half his? If so, it follows that his wages are half yours, after all he didn't magic up that money, it was given to him by his employers. It makes no difference that they give it to him in return for work: your Granny gave it to you because she loved you.

If he wants you to contribute, tell him fine, he can sort out an extension to the mortgage so you can take the inheritance back and you'll then contribute 50/50 with an appropriate deduction for the value of your childcare, housekeeping, cleaning etc.

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MorganKitten · 09/12/2019 12:38

If the credit card has his name on then yes it is his money, if it’s joint then shared.

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MumW · 09/12/2019 12:41

it can’t be my contribution because I didn’t contribute it, it was gifted by my Gran.

Then as a gift, it is yours to decide what to do with and you previously decided to put it onto the mortgage (which means he benefits from it too) but now you've decided that as it's your gift then it was intended for your pleasure and not his so you've decided you want to spend it on something else.

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Muwanian · 09/12/2019 12:46

DH’s response to that logic is to say it doesn’t work that way because I inherited that money - it can’t be my contribution because I didn’t contribute it, it was gifted by my Gran.

He is undermining

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Iggly · 09/12/2019 12:47

What do the working mothers in his work place do?

Ultimately he’s lost sight of reality here. Clearly he’s carrying some resentment and needs to own up to that

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willowmelangell · 09/12/2019 12:48

It is a minefield. DH admits he can't work without you being ft primary carer for dc. You can't get a job because he works ft. Round and round it goes.
Now he has flung your financial dependence in your face, it does make me think it has been on his mind and it burst out in temper.
All is not lost, your situation is not permanent. You state your plan to return to work when dc are in nursery. "XX months until I return to work." Go online and find out if you are eligible for Child Benefit or Universal Credit.
My ex arse used to tell me about "He put the roof over my head." It made me feel like a charity case. And the, "It's my money." Just absolutely sucked the joy out of gift giving. I barely spent money on myself and felt in a apologetic fog all the time.

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MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 12:49

He's viewing you as domestic appliance, not a person in your own right. Seems he has the freedom for work trips and random football nights because the nanny appliance is always available.

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Happyspud · 09/12/2019 12:50

A low blow from him and says a LOT about how his head works about stuff. You need to protect yourself ASAP.

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Cornishclio · 09/12/2019 12:56

I suggest you get a weekend or evening job then and he can look after D.C. then. Not ideal but you married the idiot. It is a shame you used your inheritance to pay off half the mortgage but presumably you did not know what his attitude was. I would never advise any woman to give up her job completely after having kids. You lose earning power and pension rights and being out of the job market for a long time affects your ability to get back into work. That applies whether the children are nursery age or older. I was paying two thirds of my wages to childcare as I had two D.C. close together pretax credits. Eventually it got better. My husband was more supportive than yours though but going back relatively quickly meant we had lots more spare money once they were both in school.

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