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AIBU?

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1308 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
namechangetheworld · 09/12/2019 11:40

Sorry if this has been mentioned already, but are you (as a family) struggling for money a bit OP? Or is your DH out living the life of Riley while you're struggling at home?

I'm a SAHM in similar circumstances to yours (it's just not financially viable for me to go back to work until the youngest is at school) and we have very little left over once the mortgage and bills have been paid. The child benefit is 'my' money to spend on myself and the children. DH covers everything else, including petrol for both cars, the credit card payment and the occasional day out. He feels a lot if pressure being the sole earner and wouldn't be hugely impressed if I spent his money (which it is) on a present for him.

Start charging him for childcare & housekeeping if he feels like that.

This is the most ridiculous response to threads like this.

As she could only charge him half (since the kids are hers as well) and since he could then respond with charging her for half the Bill's, it's not going to help the op.


Also, this ^

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NearlyGranny · 09/12/2019 11:41

What did he promise when he married you, OP?

Does he realise in law, any debt he incurs is your debt too, and vice versa? If the law sees his money as yours and yours as his, what does he think is going on?

Does he imagine you paid your chunk of the mortgage with monopoly money?

This man needs pulling up sharply. You need your own account that he pays a regular amount into so you have autonomy and don't need to ask for every penny. He is rubbing your nose in your vulnerability and it's not nice or loving!

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AG29 · 09/12/2019 11:42

It might have just been something he said at the heat of the moment, which still doesn’t make it right of course.

Absolutely the money should be joint if you are staying home to raise the children. Childcare is expensive and I totally get how hard it is to go back to work. I’m finding it even harder to work now Dc are at primary school. In hour jobs seems hard to find, then it’s the holidays, Oh works shift works so it’s impossible to find work around him. DS wouldn’t cope well in wrap around childcare as he has additional needs. It’s so hard. Raising children is hard.

Anyway, yes money should be shared. We do in this house. Thankfully Oh is ok about it. If I buy him something he’s always grateful then I joke around saying well I bought it with your earned money 🤣

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Shortwinter · 09/12/2019 11:42

Yes, it's a joint income because you are a family and you are providing childcare which is enabling him to work.

He’s being selfish and horrible.

And it’s all very well other posters saying we’ll go back to work then - but often a woman will know that it’s in her kids best interests for her to be a SAHM. Why would we sacrifice our kids welfare? For a DH being an asshole?

I’m a sahm mum in a terrible position, not married, basically fed lies on that one, and have a disabled child. And it really is in my child’s best interests that I stay at home with them. I did have a stark choice. My financial welfare plus pension or my child ending up with no speech and banging their head every day. I chose my child and I will not berate myself for standing up and saying that I am being a really good parent and my DP is an asshole.

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AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2019 11:43

Why are you viewing the mortgage as two halves OP??seems like both of you like to view money as separate....or is it a case for you of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine??? You can’t have it both ways??!!

I don't think she did view it that way though, seems like she only brought up that she paid her "half" already when he DH started telling her that all the money was his

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JKScot4 · 09/12/2019 11:44

@Hepsibar
Are you still with him? He agreed to fund your ‘maternity leave’ as such then got nasty and you had to go out to work?
I’m disgusted by these men that grudge supporting their family, selfish nasty fuckers.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 11:45

Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

So any contribution to your joint finances doesn’t count if it’s not personally earned by you.

The combination of that and the comment that you didn’t buy his present is a tactic to belittle and control you. As is his refusal to be involved in childcare - which effectively means you can’t work for the moment.

Your DH is not a good man.

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moooove · 09/12/2019 11:45

He sounds like a thundercunt.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 11:46

Why are you viewing the mortgage as two halves OP??seems like both of you like to view money as separate....or is it a case for you of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine??? You can’t have it both ways??!!

She’s not. She’s saying if he wants to look at it that way - ie by his logic.

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Baguetteaboutit · 09/12/2019 11:46

In our house, all income is shared income. That little quip of your dhs though would be point at which I got a full time job and let him pick up the slack at home, separate finances and ensure he contribute fairly to the childcare required.

If he's engaging in power play around money it's time to start building financial independence from him.

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adaline · 09/12/2019 11:47

This is irrelevant. They have a small child and the only reason the OP isn’t earning a wage is so she can look after that child. His salary is ‘joint’ because the responsibility of childcare is joint.

If his salary is considered joint, then surely the house and the inheritance are joint too? OP can't have it both ways. Either all money is joint (including the inheritance that paid off half the house) or it's separate.

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IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 09/12/2019 11:50

Well if I paid for something on my husbands credit card, it would be him who paid for it as it’s in his name only, and he sorts the repayments.

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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:50

adaline

Not the case at all. His salary isn’t joint on principle, as far as I can see. It is joint because, as a consequence of looking after his child, she can’t work. If he wants his salary to be his alone then he has to sort his half of the childcare himself. That has little to do with the OP’s inheritance.

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Breakfastoptions · 09/12/2019 11:55

OP clearly states “Ive already paid off MY half of the mortgage”

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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 12:00

Breakfastoptions

But that was when they were both working. It’s entirely different now there is a child in the home who needs care.

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DishingOutDone · 09/12/2019 12:03

Why are you viewing the mortgage as two halves OP?? - and why are some posters being deliberately obtuse? OP was just explaining the situation. Its the H who wants it both ways and has clearly said so when he described the money she put into the house not being a contribution from her, as she didn't "earn" it.

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bobsyourauntie · 09/12/2019 12:03

OP only stated about the house to make the point that her DH can't have it both ways. He sounds like a total twat, it doesn't matter if that money was inherited, it was still OP's money.

OP, I hope that you have the ownership drawn up properly on the deeds and own your half that you have paid for.

You should have talked about finances and what would happen, before you had DC, but a bit late now. You and he need a serious talk now. If he won't give you money then how does he expect you to be able to buy him a present.

I agree with all the other PP who said that you need to go back to work if he won't agree that money is joint. He really can't have it both ways. If a partner stays home to look after the DC then obviously there is only one earner. They either do it willingly or not at all.

At least then you could pay into the pot and have some money for yourself. They are his DC too but sadly a lot of men don't feel like that.

I presume that if he got divorced he will be expecting to have half of the equity in the house, so he would be quite happy to take your money from you.

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TeaForTara · 09/12/2019 12:04

This is financial abuse. Look it up.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 12:05

No breakfast she said:

I have already paid off my half of the house

So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 12:06

and why are some posters being deliberately obtuse

Not sure that’s it’s deliberate.

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hazell42 · 09/12/2019 12:06

This seems to happen so often.
Couple decide to have children. Husband actively wants children, and willing to support family while children are young. Wife gives up her job, and financial independence, in order to look after the children, and within a year or two, the husband is acting as though the wife is sponging of him and he is some kind of martyr for having to support her.
A couple of years further on and he expects to be waited on hand and foot while handing over coppers for wife to spend on herself because she doesn't 'deserve' it.
A few more years and they are getting divorced and he hides his assets because he has had to support her and she has contributed nothing to the marriage
I, and millions of other women, have been in this exact situation. My (ex)husband once gave me the exact price of a loaf of bread, and huffed about handing it over too.
I think that the only way to avoid this if for women to refuse to give up their jobs, and to demand, from the beginning that men play an equal role in all aspects of marriage and family life.
I wish I had learned that lesson earlier. Your husband is showing a complete lack of respect for you and your role within your marriage and family. That is not good

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QueSera · 09/12/2019 12:06

He says his money isn't yours, yet doesn't acknowledge your contribution via childcare etc. And he doesn't acknowledge your contribution to family finances via an inheritance because 'you didn't earn it'.
He sounds nasty OP. Why are you with him, is he actually nice and this is out of character?
I think you need some frank conversations about finances. You have shared your inheritance with him. Yet he doesn't even think he should share his income with you, his DW, who is looking after his DC which enables him to work. You could keep everything separate (his income, your inheritance, your income when you start work, split childcare and bills etc) but that is challenging; but I know some couples do that.

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Vanhi · 09/12/2019 12:08

I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

Well if I was at all on the fence about his behaviour that's put an end to it. He's a wanker

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BarbaraStrozzi · 09/12/2019 12:10

God, what a wanker.

  1. Go back to work.

  2. If he doesn't step up and actually co-parent, and acknowledge you as an equal in the marriage, divorce him.
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sue51 · 09/12/2019 12:12

I'm going with the he's a wanker brigade.

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