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AIBU?

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1308 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2019 11:21

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and the reality is if you split it would legall be his, not yours. Your child would be supported by him, but unless he chooses to support you then it's unlikely you would be given spousal maintenance.

As such, legally it's his. It's not yours. Morally. Everyone will have a different opinion on that.

But the legal answer is no it's not your income, it's his.

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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:21

I disagree because it sounds like it’s the principle that her DH is working on so she needs to as well. If he won’t allow her access to the money he earns then she needs to get a job and he needs to take 50% of the responsibly for whatever costs are incurred and 100% of the responsibility if it puts the household into deficit.

Well, it depends what the actual financial deficit would be. It sounds like, from the update, the family could manage the OP going back to work financially, and it’s just that he won’t have his comfy life disrupted. He wants to have his cake (a SAHM making his life easier) and eat it (be able to tell her she’s living off him whenever he feels like it).

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FizzyGreenWater · 09/12/2019 11:21

I’ve tried saying I’m returning to work and he’ll have to take responsibility for childcare half of the week. He says he can’t possibly because he has no flexibility at work, he’s out till 7pm every night.

So you could take on his tasks, but he couldn't match you step for step? Bit shit, eh?

I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

OMG. He needs a serious wake up call.

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theflushedzebra · 09/12/2019 11:22

I’ve tried saying I’m returning to work and he’ll have to take responsibility for childcare half of the week. He says he can’t possibly because he has no flexibility at work, he’s out till 7pm every night. And it’s stupid to reduce his well paid hours just so I can go out and earn min wage. That’s sensible but he can’t then whinge that I have no money!

You need to nip this is in the bud now. Either he takes responsibility for some of the childcare NOW and allows you to work and earn "your own" money - or his income is family income and shared. End of. He can't have it both ways. It is his child too, and he needs to understand that childcare doesn't happen by magic, and is a valid input to the family.

If he doesn't understand this, then I'm afraid you accidentally married an entitled shite of a man - often, it doesn't become apparent until after you have children with them...

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peachesforfree · 09/12/2019 11:22

Would your income (5 days) cover 2.5 days of childcare? If so, you'd be pulling your weight, since your DC is only half yours :)

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MummytoCSJH · 09/12/2019 11:22

I want to slap him! What a wanker and dare I say it, possibly financially abusive? Doesn't matter whether you 'earned' your inheritance or not if you paid it into the mortgage, yours is paid off. If you're not keen on going back to work or it won't be worth it, give him an invoice for your childcare feesHmm

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Crackerofdoom · 09/12/2019 11:24

He does sound like a wanker.

I was a SAHM and now work PT. DH's salary goes into our joint account and I do all the household expenditure from that. I also make him overpay into my pension so when we retire I am not at a disadvantage from having stayed at home.

You are looking after HIS child so he can work to earn money. You need to make him see this or you are going to be in this imbalanced relationship forever.

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AryaStarkWolf · 09/12/2019 11:24

Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

Of course it counts, it was your money, what a dickhead. Don't know how you could stay with a guy with that attitude towards you tbh.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2019 11:25

I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance.

It's either all joint money or it's not. Which is it?

You're happy to spend his wages as joint, but paid off your half of the mortgage with your inheritance?

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An0nym0us2011 · 09/12/2019 11:26

I'm a SAHM & I told my DH I'm not sure how il get him anything for Christmas (I feel weird about buying him a present with his own money) but he said he'll just give me a chunk of money to do what I like with e.i buy him a present

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ConkerGame · 09/12/2019 11:27

Such a nasty attitude from your OH, OP. You’re meant to be a family, a unit, a team.

If it’s all his money then they’re all your kids and he can get lost! Plus he is in mortgage debt and you are not!

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ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 09/12/2019 11:28

Present him with an invoice for 50% of the childcare and housekeeping services you provide at market rate. Do it ever month until he stops being an arsehole.

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KaptenKrusty · 09/12/2019 11:28

Not nice that he snapped at you like that - you are doing more than your fair share by looking after your child & avoiding paying for childcare

BUT have to say buying him a present for his bday out of your joint money is a bit like he bought himself a present - maybe you should have a chat and make a budget for bday & xmas gifts rather than just spending - maybe he is just stressed about money and he feels that this gift is a bit over budge/extravaganza when you only have one income at them moment.

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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:29

BUT have to say buying him a present for his bday out of your joint money is a bit like he bought himself a present

No, it isn’t, because it’s joint money.

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userxx · 09/12/2019 11:30

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Agree 100%. If his wages are joint then surely the inheritance was joint ?

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MsRomanoff · 09/12/2019 11:30

Start charging him for childcare & housekeeping if he feels like that.

This is the most ridiculous response to threads like this.

As she could only charge him half (since the kids are hers as well) and since he could then respond with charging her for half the Bill's, it's not going to help the op.

He sounds like a knobhead. But lead up to this whole give context.

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Mrskeats · 09/12/2019 11:30

There's a lot of double standards about joint money on this site. It is always yes it's joint then when the question is about maintenance for an ex then it's always it comes out of his money.

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churchandstate · 09/12/2019 11:31

You're happy to spend his wages as joint, but paid off your half of the mortgage with your inheritance?

This is irrelevant. They have a small child and the only reason the OP isn’t earning a wage is so she can look after that child. His salary is ‘joint’ because the responsibility of childcare is joint.

In my opinion a marriage is often stronger when everything is joint - inheritances, savings, income, debt - but that may not be how they managed things before they had a child.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 11:35

Surely the focus here is that he is ‘nasty’ & ‘horrible’ rather than finances specifically.

Of course an arsehole will be an arsehole about money.

Do you really want to be with a man who is so unpleasant that he doesn’t deserve a birthday present?

I’d be rethinking the whole relationship not just the finances.

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Nicketynac · 09/12/2019 11:35

Is it related to using the credit card? As in, is he annoyed that you have spent money that you (as a couple) can not afford?

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MabelMoo23 · 09/12/2019 11:35

I’m sorry but as the salary from your DH should be joint money - but in the same way, your inheritance hasn’t paid off YOUR half of the house, it’s paid off half the family home.

So the remaining half he isn’t liable for, you both are.

It works both ways. But yes, he’s being a cunt but you are also being quite petty, maybe as a reaction to him

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SofaCushion · 09/12/2019 11:37

It’s all joint in our house, even when I was a SAHM for a couple of years.

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Hepsibar · 09/12/2019 11:37

Illena, I feel v worried for you and how you might address the issue.

I carried on working full time in a good job when our babies were little, but then dropped to part time/term time when they went to school. It was me that did the dropping off, activities, taxi duties, home work, housework/paperwork and so on ... allowing my partner, who was also not much interested in those things, to build his career whilst mine stagnated but I did have the benefit of all those precious times. On both occasions on maternity leave, I used all my savings and had less than a year in total.

Over time, I felt increasingly vulnerable financially and in any argument the matter of finance would be brought up and spongers and how successful he is. He is v successful. Our children are also lovely.

After many years I was made redundant, and took an amazing hit on my redundancy lump sum due to having been part time and indeed my pension when I get it. I had 8 months off, even though my DH had said he would fund me for a year (trying to make up for the lack of maternity leave), which he could v easily afford but v soon he became really nasty about that and so I sought out employement, but obviously not as well paid as in my original organisation.

My suggestion to you is to set up your own account, become as self financing as you can. When you find work, let him pay for cleaning services and so on and find out the costs of those, just so he knows.

I wouldnt bother buying him another present whilst you are not working!

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tillytrotter1 · 09/12/2019 11:37

When I stopped working after our first baby was born I hated spending any money as I felt it wasn't mine, OH used to go mad at me, Of course it's as much yours as mine! He was way ahead of his time it seems, 40+ years ago.

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Breakfastoptions · 09/12/2019 11:39

I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money

Why are you viewing the mortgage as two halves OP??seems like both of you like to view money as separate....or is it a case for you of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine??? You can’t have it both ways??!!

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