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AIBU?

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1308 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
LannieDuck · 09/12/2019 14:43

I'm guessing you (as a couple) didn't consider him taking a few months' parental leave? Such a missed opportunity.... and shows why it's so important that couples take it up. If he was in your position, do you think the income would magically become joint? Because I do.

The reason the money he is earning at present is joint is because he's taken on earning 100% of the household income (his 50% and your 50%), in exchange for you taking on 100% of the childcare duties during the day (your 50% and his 50%). Some women also take on 100% of the daily chores too (his 50% and your 50%).

If he's now saying that the money he earns isn't 50% yours... well, then he'll need to start doing his 50% childcare. If his job isn't compatible, he'll need to change jobs or go part-time, or do flexi-working, or any of the other solutions other parents use. Yes, it will be inconvenient, and it will impact the family finances, which is why many couples find it efficient to have one person stay at home!.

I agree he probably doesn't want you to go back to work because it will impact on his flexibility, but I think it's important you do. This baby is his as well as yours, and you can't be the only one sacrificing to accommodate it. Has anything really changed in his life since you had the baby?

What will happen when you finish mat leave? Will you be doing all drop-offs / pick-ups?


Start charging him for childcare & housekeeping if he feels like that.
This is the most ridiculous response to threads like this.
As she could only charge him half (since the kids are hers as well) and since he could then respond with charging her for half the Bill's, it's not going to help the op.

I see this argument appear sometimes, and it just hasn't been thought through.

At the moment he says the money all belongs to him. He pays all the bills. And he gets to decide what the left-over money is spent on... because it all belongs to him.

If OP bills for her work, he's forced to pass some of his income to her (in payment for his half of childcare). Then both of them pay the bills. And both of them (potentially) have money left over.

Following the logic through undermines the argument that the man is the only one paying the bills, which is often something that's thrown in the face of SAHMs and used to justify why the man gets special treatment (lie-ins / no chores in the evening / hobby-time etc).

In this specific case, the OP is likely to come out of the argument quite well, since she could state that she doesn't have a mortgage to pay, and therefore much lower bills...

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AJplusone · 09/12/2019 14:58

This argument sounds a little bit tit for tat to me.. Do you think not having your own income has affected your self-esteem or feeling of independence? Maybe that is why you have taken the comment to heart a little more than others.. (agree with others it's a dick thing to say though).
I say this because when I was out of work and had to ask my husband for money for simple things like a hair cut, he would never question it and happily pay up. But I would feel bothered by it, having to ask him for money.. Just wondered if maybe that was the same for you too!

P.S just because you didn't earn the money you bought half the house with, it's still half yours. Maybe remind him he can always buy half of it back in the divorce settlement if he wants to be a tosser.

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TeaForTara · 09/12/2019 15:30

Your inheritance wasn't gifted to the both of you, it was gifted to you. It is totally your money. His ability to earn his wage, however, is facilitated by you taking on all the childcare, housework etc. So you have a better claim on his wages than he has on your inheritance.

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Pretzelcoatl · 09/12/2019 15:46

Flip side - you used to bring money into the household and now you don’t.

Then you brought up something income related and how it should have been withheld from him - “he didn’t deserve the present you gave him” - so he fired back something equally cutting about it being the money he brought in anyway, and THAT’S the issue you have a problem with?

The boilerplate nonsense that PP say about “charge him for childcare and cleaning” possibly works if you have the same formal qualifications that any commercial childcare or cleaning service might have, but if you don’t then engage those services and get back to work if you’re so sensitive about money.

It IS coming in solely from him and, while that’s not automatically a bad thing, you’re taking a comment from an argument to heart. If you don’t feel like you’re contributing enough that you feel bad, contribute more.

Or stop nursing grievances from obvious heat of the moment utterances, the same way that I’m sure he’s not cut to the bone about his partner not buying him a Christmas present.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 16:03

get back to work if you’re so sensitive about money.
If you don’t feel like you’re contributing enough that you feel bad, contribute more.

?? If you read the thread she wanted to go back to work, but he doesn’t want her as it will impact on his job.

Her grievance Is that he is not treating her fairly and with respect, and it’s 100% justified.

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NameChangeNugget · 09/12/2019 16:11

You need to get back in the work place. As much, as you’d like it to be your money, it’s his tax code and pension pot etc.

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Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 09/12/2019 16:25

Why did you pay for the present on a credit card? Is he worried that you've run up a debt that he can't afford to pay off? If so, I get what he's saying. It's wrong to run up a debt in someone else's name in order to buy them a birthday present that they then have to pay off isn't it?

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PettyContractor · 09/12/2019 16:30

Does he realise in law, any debt he incurs is your debt too, and vice versa? If the law sees his money as yours and yours as his, what does he think is going on?

This isn't true, in the UK.

Money in your own account belongs to you, and you are not liable for your spouses debts.

When people are saying money is joint, they mean morally, not legally. As long as it's in an account in his name only, it's legally his.

Divorce can be used to trigger a sharing of assets though.

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Pretzelcoatl · 09/12/2019 16:34

@TatianaLarina

“ Her grievance Is that he is not treating her fairly and with respect, and it’s 100% justified.”

That seems to be the case on both sides.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 16:38

That seems to be the case on both sides.

Really? Where does OP say she’s preventing DH from returning to work because she’s not prepared for it to impact her work and leisure activities. Where is she belittling his financial contribution?

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damnthatanxiety · 09/12/2019 16:46

So only earned money is real money and inherited money is what exactly. Honey, you married a twat. Invoice him weekly for your services as nanny, housekeeper and whatever other services you provide for him. Although with his attitude I wouldn't be feeling any urge to provide any intimate services.

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Illeana · 09/12/2019 17:03

Why did you pay for the present on a credit card
Because the purchase is insured if you pay for it on a credit card - you’re better protected against fraud. It’s much safer than spending on a debit card. It only cost £30.

OP posts:
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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/12/2019 17:04

Hi OP

I wouldnt bill him personally. I would sit down and have a proper chat about how he views your contribution and what things would look like if you went back to work earlier. There are positives to this other than current financial eg advance up the career ladder quicker, put money in pension etc, also protects you if you do split. I'd be pointing out all you've said about the flexibility and support that you staying at home gives him and that he will have to do nursery drop offs, Christmas plays, sick days when children are ill and half the housework etc when you are back at work.

He cant have it both ways, accepting your contribution enables his career and not wanting to participate in childcare etc but then resenting giving you money. It needs to be either fully equal money or separate and both of you work.

I'd also apologise for your comment to be honest I know it was probably said in the heat of the moment but saying someone doesnt deserve a present in a few weeks time is a bit over the top and petty for someone being snappy. 'Please stop snapping at me, I dont deserve it, what's the matter with you' would be a more usual approach

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ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2019 17:07

If it only cost £30 in total it won't be covered by credit card purchase insurance. The item has to cost £100 or more. It's covered if it costs £100+ and you make a part-payment on the card, but the total cost has to be more than £100.

As for fraud, you should have the same level of protection whichever card you use.

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Pretzelcoatl · 09/12/2019 17:08

@TatianaLarina

“ Really? Where does OP say she’s preventing DH from returning to work because she’s not prepared for it to impact her work and leisure activities.”

Obviously she is not, since you can’t return to work if you never stopped bringing money into the household.

“Where is she belittling his financial contribution?”

In the title, where she calls it “his” but then asserts ownership, and then says he doesn’t deserve something bought with that income which comes solely from him, and says that will continue into the future.

Honestly, they threw some back and forth stuff at each other during an argument. Why does it matter if they’re both acting in accordance to what they decided to do together?

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CherryPavlova · 09/12/2019 17:15

Billing each other and counting whose money is Whose is no basis for an equal partnership. All monies belong equally to both of you, surely.
Financial decisions need discussion and consensus.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 18:32

Obviously she is not, since you can’t return to work if you never stopped bringing money into the household.

Disingenuous evasion. She can’t return to work because DH won’t countenance the changes to his life required to accommodate it.

In the title, where she calls it “his” but then asserts ownership, and then says he doesn’t deserve something bought with that income which comes solely from him, and says that will continue into the future.

No - in the title she indicates ‘his’ income ‘belongs’ to them both - ie shared ownership (not an accurate word of yours).

She said he didn’t deserve the present because he had been so nasty, which is fair enough.

Why does it matter if they’re both acting in accordance to what they decided to do together?

How do you know they are? You’ve no idea what they agreed on. Did OP sign up for never being able to go back to work when she took time off to have kids? Is OP not entitled to change her mind if SAHM doesn’t suit her and DH is so possessive with money it causes problems?

Why does it matter if someone behaves horribly? Why does it matter if partner stops the other from going back to work? Why does it matter if one partner belittles the other’s financial contribution. Why do you think?

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Ohdearohdearyme · 09/12/2019 18:34

My exh was like this with me and money, he was so controlling. Thank God I'm not with him anymore.

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/12/2019 18:40

He is right though, if you are not working then he is paying for everything including his own gifts. That’s why I could never not work, is never be comfortable about another adult having to pay for my every need and not have the means to gift items etc.

You could work nights around him or look into tax free childcare etc. Its not like childcare costs are an unknown before proceeding to extend a family.

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TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 18:47

Why the hell should OP have to work nights just because DH is not prepared to compromise on his working and leisure hours and do some childcare?

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ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 09/12/2019 18:51

Sorry, but I agree with Ice. Perhaps have a discussion about whether he wants you to buy him presents on his credit card? I wouldn’t want my partner to be doing that, tbh. He was rude and unpleasant, though.

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SciFiRules · 09/12/2019 18:51

Just answering the OP. You may be being unreasonable. If money is tight maybe he didn't want you to spend it on a gift - particularly on credit!
At home we have a joint account, we have personal accounts but don't use them. SAHP Is not something I have experience of and understand it may be difficult to balance. In general joint money means joint spending decisions. Seperate accounts as a SAHP seems odd to me.

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DecemberDays · 09/12/2019 18:51

Well, no, OP is doing the unpaid labour and childcare which needs to be done in a household whilst her husband is doing the paid labour which needs to be done to provide for said household.

It’s not rocket science, it is a joint enterprise which is why the law recognises marital assets as joint.

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messolini9 · 09/12/2019 18:55

Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

Nah mate, it doesn't count because DH wants to belittle & diminish anything you do for the household while bigging himself up.

Your money? -- "doesn't count"
His money? - earned at my BigManJob! Hear me roar!
Your unpaid work for the household, including him? - "doesn't count"
His work for the household? My BigManJob! Kowtow & obey!!!

Fucksake, he needs a kick in the balls.
How about he picks up as SAHD, & you go to work?
Bet he won't fancy that. The twat.

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MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/12/2019 19:07

I’m on the mortgage. I’ve already paid off my half of the house with inheritance. So if he wants to look at it that way, the mortgage is solely his. Of course when I point this out he says it doesn’t count because I haven’t earned that money.

This doesn't sound like a partnership at all. It's all very tit for tat, trying to score points...the two of you should be a team. What he said was unpleasant and the fact that you don't work shouldn't have been thrown in your face when it was a decision you made together. But to be completely honest, if someone told me I "didn't deserve" a gift that I knew for a fact they had bought with my credit card I would probably have found it difficult to bite my tongue.

It seems pretty clear that money isn't the only issue here.

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