To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

[Illeana]

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

[MerryDeath]

you've paid off half the house?! and you are a SAHM so he can work?! how do men get these ideas... because they get away with it. yes his income is absolutely family money. divorce him, take your equity and he can pay you via spousal support and child maintenance, the tosser.

[Pinkyyy]

and you are a SAHM so he can work

I don't think that's the case @MerryDeath, I think the OP is actually a SAHM so that she doesn't have to work.

[DowntownAbby]

Absolute nonsense @MerryDeath

OP is a SAHM because she doesn't want to work. She says this quite clearly.

And the 'enabling husband to work' crap is trotted out time after time on MN.

[Brefugee]

So I earn £1200 after tax. Nursery is £800. Petrol and parking is £200. That only leaves our family £200 a month better off. Would you inconvenience yourself and put your DC in care to earn a tenner a day?

Yes. Because working is paying into a pension, working is keeping your foot in the door, working is showing your child and your DH that women working is normal, because it gives you something of your own that isn't money. But it also gives you the bargaining position you need to say to DH - we both work, we both have to pay childcare.

And if he pushes back: you know what to do. Leave.

[HappydaysArehere]

Really agree with Canyousewcushions. She is spot on.

[windycuntryside]

What a spectacular wanker he is turning out to be.

[CharlotteMD]

This thread is weeks old !.

[Namenic]

People are a bit harsh here but OP, you can only change a certain number of things in your situation. Currently your DH sounds like he can be a bully when he is annoyed. Either you put up with this, or you go out to work. Going out to work may mean some financial hardship but he might treat you better. Your kids may have to be in childcare more (some people would see this as negative, though some see it as positive).
Another thing would be to tell him that his behaviour is making it intolerable for you, so this is why you would like to work - perhaps some relationship counselling?

[stuffedpeppers]

One of my friends is a SAHM - always has been and always will be. DCs are all at secondary school - does loads of charity and school stuff.

Her DH lost his job in the summer, he had a vague idea it was coming, new boss and slowly all members of his team were leaving,and for a few months before had been questioning all purchases - did they need to spend that, no holiday this year etc etc.

He has after 5 months just found a job and talking to him - the stress of being the sole owner was huge. Knew it was their joint decision etc but the reality was, he could not play hooky, get up late, how toperform at work and was the big provider. When he lost his job - his resentment of his wife not working and providing even a smidgin of income was huge.

OP- he was an arse to say it but consider how he feels and whilst you may have agreed this arrangement, sometimes none of us understand the reality and pressure this puts on the breadwinner.

[Lovelyloopyluna]

I suggest you do what we do - have a joint account that any earnings get paid into and this pays mortgage, bills, food, petrol etc then we have individual accounts which the joint account pays a monthly allowance into. Anything I want to buy for just me or if I want to buy dh a present etc I use my own account for. Make a decision on how much should go into individual account and set up a direct debit.

Your dh sounds resentful about you not working and him funding everything. He may have agreed to the principle of it not being worth you working due to child care costs but in practice he probably sees you as having an easy life whilst he's working hard and resents you spending "his" hard earned money. Completely unreasonable but understandable to some extent. I would go with having an allowance as it become less obvious that you are spending "his" money.

[Equanimitas]

And one Saturday afternoon he didn’t want to miss his art club so he took our 1yo with him and just let him be passed around from person to person all afternoon, they were all strangers to DC.

To be honest, that doesn't sound that dreadful to me, assuming your DH was in the room and ready to attend to him if he needed someone familiar.

[Equanimitas]

I can see why you don't want to go back into the FE sector, but is that really your only option other than starting again at the bottom? If you have a teaching qualification, could you teach in a 6th form in the independent sector, do some private tuition work, teach at secondary level etc?

[ThisMomentIsMyLife]

OP listen to Pretzel. This is what your OH thinks of you. You should go back to work and protect yourself.

[FabbyChix]

Earn your own money to buy presents

[ConfidingFish]

The whole crux of this is if OP returns to work she is still expected to do everything she does now and add a full time job into it.

Her husband will still fly off on business trips, enjoy all his hobbies because he sees parenting as her sole responsibility or someone elses, hence handing off the child to her mother when she went out for an evening or handing their child off to whoever would look after him/her when he couldn't miss his hobby club.

So I can see why you wouldn't want to add in a full time job that potentially earns a few hundred quid a month into the family pot. Her husband does not prioritise the child, just himself.

Now I will be honest I am a SAHM to two teenage boys, Dh's job has been facilitated by my ablity to do school runs, collect and look after sick children, cover all the school holidays, the evenings Dh has to work later etc but all his money is family money. I do earn some money but not by working. I am partially disabled so working even part time would be very detrimental to my health. But we knew this before we had children and that my health would deteriorate over time anyway.

The reason this works is because he isn't a tightass with money. He loves his children, and me and will spend to give us whatever we want. He is also very close to the children, spends time with them one on one, or with both boys or altogether as a family. Plus one on one time with me.

As for the cocklodger comment above, a cocklodger is someone who contributes nothing, doesn't do housework, childcare, cooking, shopping etc and doesn't work. The OP is certainly not that.

[Londonmummy66]

@Pretzelcoatl - but the point is that the OP IS contributing to the household by providing the childcare etc that enables her DP to go to work. If something happened to her it would cost him a bloody fortune to pay for the 24/7 childcare he wants plus someone to clean etc that he would need to enable his current career/lifestyle.

A cocklodger is someone who does not contribute either financially or in kind/time.

Or are you saying that all SAHMs are cocklodgers and contribute nothing and sponge off their partners? That is the logical conculsion of your line of argument. Frankly only entitled men like the OP's DH seem to hold that sort of opinion.

[Pretzelcoatl]

@Londonmummy66

•“ but the point is that the OP IS contributing to the household by providing the childcare etc that enables her DP to go to work. If something happened to her it would cost him a bloody fortune to pay for the 24/7 childcare he wants plus someone to clean etc that he would need to enable his current career/lifestyle.”*

You’ve got it backwards - it is the OP’s DH financial responsibility that enables the OP to have her currently lifestyle, including not working. Just because if she was gone he’d also have to solely fund childcare while still working doesn’t mean she is entitled to an equivalent amount of money for doing it. He has zero choices here - he HAS to go to work, spend the hours, and the burden of the family existing is solely on him.

“A cocklodger is someone who does not contribute either financially or in kind/time.”

Again, what she is contributing can be done by him or by anybody. What he is contributing can’t be duplicated by her. That’s a huge imbalance, and not remotely fair. And the strain of that is showing in their interactions.

“Or are you saying that all SAHMs are cocklodgers and contribute nothing and sponge off their partners? That is the logical conculsion of your line of argument. Frankly only entitled men like the OP's DH seem to hold that sort of opinion.”

I am not, and have not, said anything of the sort. What I AM saying is that the OP has decided to not contribute when she could, electing instead to do nothing to contribute to the family’s betterment.

Of course children have to be attended to, but while you could pay a bit of cash to have the neighbourhood teenager do that if you wanted an evening off, how could the DH’s contribution be covered? So much of the advice here is for the OP to go to work for her OWN benefit, but the same posters say that the DH should be contributing his time and effort towards childcare and housework for THEM. It’s so misandrist and hypocritical.

[MiniEggAddiction]

@Pretzelcoatl You're being completely nonsensical. OP is facilitating her husband's lifestyle; his job, his ability to pursue his hobbies. In a marriage you don't split everything 50-50 - it's not a house share, (and if it was he would have to pay OP for 50% of the childcare) one person does more cooking another might do more washing up. Likewise usually one person works longer hours and the other does more housework or childcare. OP's DH refuses to do his share around the house or with childcare. It's not financially viable for her to work.

You're being completely stupid by saying she's not contributing. No one is that stupid so you must be being deliberately insulting. Not only is she contributing financially by saving the cost of a cleaner, house keeper and childminder, evening babysitter etc who would otherwise be doing all the work OP is doing she's also contributing to the smooth running of the house, happiness of the kids etc.

[Toll2]

What a bastard

[ALLMYSmellySocks]

@Pretzelcoatl
Wow you're a really nasty piece of work! I hope you don't have kids or a partner!

Again, what she is contributing can be done by him or by anybody.

Of course looking after your own kids couldn't be done by anybody! You think when DH goes off on business trips it's fine for just anyone to put them to bed. Chuck the teenager net door £10 and let her watch the kids every night. Kids need at least one parent to be a big presence in their life, having two parents working the hours her DH works would not be OK for the kids.

What I AM saying is that the OP has decided to not contribute when she could, electing instead to do nothing to contribute to the family’s betterment.

Of course she is contributing to the betterment of the family by providing love and care for their children, keeping the house nice, dinners cooked. In almost no marriage is the financial contribution equal. If you want that you should find a house mate not a spouse. If OP's wages wouldn't cover childcare then her going to work would make the entire family worse off and more stressed since her DH would need to do more at home to help. It would probably be in OP's best interests to invest in a long term career but it wouldn't help her DH.

[Londonmummy66]

@Pretzelcoatl - I really do think that you are the DH in this case.

[Pretzelcoatl]

@MiniEggAddiction

“ You're being completely nonsensical. OP is facilitating her husband's lifestyle; his job, his ability to pursue his hobbies. In a marriage you don't split everything 50-50 - it's not a house share, (and if it was he would have to pay OP for 50% of the childcare) one person does more cooking another might do more washing up. Likewise usually one person works longer hours and the other does more housework or childcare. OP's DH refuses to do his share around the house or with childcare. It's not financially viable for her to work. “

Except that it IS financially viable for her to work, as has been shown by many posters including those who are clearly supporting the OP. And it’s viable both in the short term (slightly), and the long term (much more). It is the OP’s DH who is facilitating OP’s lifestyle, not the other way around. She has indicated what she is qualified to do for employment and how much she could earn given ideal circumstances and, if she were to be the sole breadwinner and her DH becoming the SAHP, everybody’s lifestyle would diminish.

“OP is facilitating her DH’s job” has to be the stupidest thing said in this thread, and that it’s being repeated is worrying. It’s the income from that job which is facilitating everything else.

”You're being completely stupid by saying she's not contributing. No one is that stupid so you must be being deliberately insulting. Not only is she contributing financially by saving the cost of a cleaner, house keeper and childminder, evening babysitter etc who would otherwise be doing all the work OP is doing she's also contributing to the smooth running of the house, happiness of the kids etc.”

Cool. So they split up and the DH pays for childcare and possibly housekeeping and his life stays pretty much the same.

Meanwhile, OP can’t single-handedly support herself, nevermind the child, and her life takes a massive nosedive.

It’s pretty clear who is facilitating who in this relationship, and it’s also pretty clear that the one doing the heavy lifting isn’t okay with the other one having all of the options. This is definitely something the two of them need to discuss, but I expect it means than OP is going to have to contribute more financially that she currently does.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I'm not sure that the views of @Pretzelcoatl are that unusual; maybe not always as baldly expressed. They definitely mirror the views of my ex (and father of DD). I gave birth overseas where the maternity leave was six weeks, and mothers returned to work after that unless their husband/partner was prepared to support them financially. I would have ideally taken six months, but in DD's father's words "what do you think you can do that an experienced childminder can't do better?".

I went back to work ....

[Pretzelcoatl]

@ALLMYSmellySocks

•“ Wow you're a really nasty piece of work! I hope you don't have kids or a partner!”*

Thank you.

“Of course looking after your own kids couldn't be done by anybody! You think when DH goes off on business trips it's fine for just anyone to put them to bed. Chuck the teenager net door £10 and let her watch the kids every night. Kids need at least one parent to be a big presence in their life, having two parents working the hours her DH works would not be OK for the kids.“

Nobody has said that OP needs to work the hours her DP does. But yes, anybody can put the kids to bed. What I think should happen here is, as others have suggested, OP gets an evening or graveyard shift for when her DH is home. Not particularly fun for her, but when the DC is old enough to be spending several hours away from home during the day (school), that can shift to employment with more reasonable hours. Pros: more income, more pension, better foundation for future employment/income, more visible contribution to the household. Cons: OP’s burden slides closer to her DH’s, while his barely moves, possibly causing her resentment.

“Of course she is contributing to the betterment of the family by providing love and care for their children, keeping the house nice, dinners cooked. In almost no marriage is the financial contribution equal. If you want that you should find a house mate not a spouse. If OP's wages wouldn't cover childcare then her going to work would make the entire family worse off and more stressed since her DH would need to do more at home to help. It would probably be in OP's best interests to invest in a long term career but it wouldn't help her DH.”

Except the OP has said that her working would cover childcare, with a small amount left over. “Love and care” somehow being held up as equivalent to “household income” seems nonsensical. Her love doesn’t diminish if she works, and care can be distributed.

[Pretzelcoatl]

@Londonmummy66

”I really do think that you are the DH in this case.”

Then maybe you should consider my point of view as part of the household. Maybe you should consider the crushing responsibility of knowing that if anything happens to affect my ability to continue providing what I do, there is literally no backup. Maybe you should consider that, while I don’t need appreciation in the form of accolades, OP is behaving in an entitled manner which I am required to facilitate while being treated poorly and reviled by the majority of posters in this thread.

And maybe you should consider that I have no options whatsoever, while the OP does. She is benefiting more from the current setup than I am. With the roles reversed, OP wouldn’t be able to support me and our child, so then what?