My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To think DH’s income belongs to us both?

314 replies

Illeana · 09/12/2019 10:39

I’m a SAH (we can’t afford childcare, I’ll be returning to work when DC goes to nursery). DH (father of DC) works and supports us. I have no income other than DH’s salary.

I bought DH a birthday present, then he was really horrible to me and I snapped at him, you don’t deserve me to buy you a present when you’re so nasty. He lost his temper and said you didn’t buy it anyway, I DID BECAUSE YOU PAID ON MY CREDIT CARD.

AIBU to think it’s OUR money and OUR credit card? I’ve told him he won’t be getting a Christmas present because I apparently have no money to buy it with.

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

1308 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
HoHoHolyCow · 09/12/2019 12:58

I was a SAHM for 8 years.

DH's full salary was paid into a joint account, to which I had (and still do have) full access. Now both our salaries are paid into that account. It was always 'our' money.

I did, however, feel really weird about buying DH presents using money from that account. So while I was not working, we didn't really buy each other gifts. If we did, it was just small things, or things that were specifically needed and would have been bought anyway!

I was a high earner before DC (earned more than DH so always contributed more to savings, house deposit etc) and was really clear on the fact that I wouldn't give up work unless we had equal access to his salary.

Report
inwood · 09/12/2019 13:03

He is technically correct, maybe he's worried about money and doesnt want to by is own birthday present and would rather have had none. I can see both sides tbh.

Report
KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2019 13:09

So as a PP said, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. SAHM at home doing all the work so he does not have to be burdened by any family obligations - and at the same time, he gets to keep all his money.

That's not how this works.

Report
Bluebutterfly90 · 09/12/2019 13:09

No, your DH is being terrible, and talking out of his arse regarding your inheritance.
Ideally you'd be able to talk with him about how you being a stay at home parent enables him to earn as much as he does, and that is a job in itself.
But to be honest, he sounds like a tit, so I'd look into nursery asap and go back to work. Dont be beholden to someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Report
perfectstorm · 09/12/2019 13:10

DH’s response to that logic is to say it doesn’t work that way because I inherited that money - it can’t be my contribution because I didn’t contribute it, it was gifted by my Gran.

Indeed. Gifted by your Gran TO YOU.

You chose to share it with him, despite both earning and neither relying on the other at the time. Now, you are bringing up his child. You are a unit. His income is indeed family income and it's appalling that he is saying otherwise.

He appears to think that heads he wins, tails you lose. And sadly, I think you need to get back into the workplace as soon as you possibly can. I am a SAHP myself. I recognise the benefits for the family. But it's a vulnerable position, and he is giving you every indication that he is not trustworthy.

Report
perfectstorm · 09/12/2019 13:12

Just checking, though - you aren't in debt as a family, are you? I mean, that's not why he was irritated by the credit card expenditure? That's the only possible mitigation there (and doesn't explain or justify the dismissal of the inheritance contribution, either).

Report
FixTheBone · 09/12/2019 13:19

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it.

I would try to have a reasonable conversation about it. (although it sounds as though that might not be possible)....

If you've already paid off half the mortgage - that should be your starting point - I would try to talk to him about 'value' rather than cold, hard pounds sterling.

Once you've added up your half of the mortgage, plus the interest you've saved as a result, plus the money you've saved on childcare, cleaning etc and then add the amount he would have had to sacrifice if he'd taken up some childcare duties, then you get to a sensible starting point.

He needs to see that whilst the money he brings in is terribly important, it only happens because you enable it, and you have directly and indirectly contributed to an improved overall financial and quality of life situation for the whole family just as much as his salary has.

Report
vassdal · 09/12/2019 13:21

He's a mega dick.

The present incident is just one symptom of an arrangement that is completely rotten. It's ridiculous that you have absolutely no money of your own or you to spend as you wish - eg. for a day out, beauty treatment, hobby, or a gift for DH (or anyone else - your Mum, sister etc). He is horrible to you because you bought him a present on his credit card. That's not on.

I would be very unhappy with this situation. You have paid off half the mortgage on the family home using your inheritance. You didn't have to do that - you could have kept your inheritance in savings and insisted on family income being used to pay all of the mortgage.

I think you should look for a job ASAP. Get yourself back into work. The childcare costs could then be split between the two of you. You need to protect yourself now. You are in a very vulnerable position.
It doesn't matter what he thinks. You need your own income.

Alternatively see a solicitor and look into leaving him. Get the money back out of the house and start again. He'll have to pay child support. You can then get a job and pay childcare. The equity you have (assuming you can get it back) can be used to pay for a new property meaning you will need a smaller mortgage than if you were starting from nothing.

Report
SilentTights · 09/12/2019 13:21

This crops up so often and won't change (imo) until society starts to think of having children differently. At the moment it is too easy to fall into a default of the lower earner (often the mother) giving up work to look after the children and for this to not be seen as an active contribution to the family.

However, the default should be: if we have this child it will require 24*7 care so each of us should expect to provide 84 hours of 'cover' each week - though obviously some is spent asleep :) That probably means we have to work part time for the next X years. If that's the starting point then then it becomes easier to see that, for the families where it makes sense for one person to be a FT earner and the other to stay at home, that each are taking on some of the other's responsibility:

  • the earner is taking on some of the other person's earning responsibility
  • the person at home is taking on some of the other person's home care/childcare responsibility


As a result, any income is joint for this period of time. As is any other 'perks' of being employed, such as pension earned, or any property value built up etc. In exchange, any value of raising children is also shared.

Too many people (often men) don't think having children should have impact at all on their job/career or social life when it's almost impossible for dependant who needs 24*7 care not to have a big impact on someone.
Report
Lockshunkugel · 09/12/2019 13:23

If you’ve already bought him a Christmas present I suggest you return it and spend that money on an appointment with a divorce lawyer!

Report
Inertia · 09/12/2019 13:26

How secure do you feel your marriage is generally?

I'd be quite concerned about the way he is claiming that money given to you was never yours, but money earned by him is his alone.

Do you claim child benefit for your child, so that you can buy the things your child needs? If your husband earns over the threshold, it might be worth considering claiming CB and having him pay it back via PAYE. It'll make zero net difference to household income, but at least you'd be able to access the money.

Report
DishingOutDone · 09/12/2019 13:27

@SilentTights - really strong, clear explanation.

Report
MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 13:32

I would have saved my inheritance and only matched his deposit.

Report
NellieEllie · 09/12/2019 13:35

I am a SAHM. It’s the only way our lives would easily work - because of various commitments and issues with a DC. My DH is therefore the sole earner. He has never thrown this one at me. We honestly see the money he earns as “ours”. It is far from ideal, and I never ever saw myself as being in this position, but there it is.
If my DH said this to me, he knows his life would not be worth living! In OPs case, the comment came out in an argument. People do say things they don’t mean to get at someone. It’s not nice, but it happens. I woukd have to have this out with him. Does he genuinely feel this? You are not working because you are looking after his (and your) child. He is able to go out to work, because you are doing this. If he really does not think that the money he earns belongs to both of you, then it might be an idea for you to charge childcare etc.
I would definitely stamp on this pretty quick.

Report
TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 13:37

OP you’re in the unenviable position of DH using your SAHM status to further his career, while you are earning nothing, no pension contributions - fuck all.

It may inconvenience him if you work but it is all to your benefit.

As you are apparently married to a selfish arsehole determined to dismiss your contribution - get wise and get working.

Report
TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 13:38

I would have saved my inheritance and only matched his deposit.

She could either have saved or invested it. Either way the mortgage would be double what it currently is.

Report
Illberidingshotgun · 09/12/2019 13:42

I would have saved my inheritance and only matched his deposit.

But ultimately this would make little difference - if they ever divorce it would still be a joint asset that would go into the pot.

Report
MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 13:47

But if you divorce without lawyers you don’t have to disclose your bank assets do you?

Report
Transformer123 · 09/12/2019 13:50

It's a form of bullying. You chose as a couple to have children and for you to stay off work to look after them I presume? You agreed you would make personal sacrifices to give your time to your children, and possibly so that he does not have a stressed wife, rushing around during the evenings, who is there to make his life easier? So he has you in a weak position, and himself in a position of power in terms of money and being able to support himself (whereas you are dependent). Then he is using that against you - pointing out that you have nothing to make you feel small.

You are contributing to the relationship. It isn't just about money. You are at home giving the children your time and care. If he did not have you doing that he would have to pay for childcare and his kids would spend less time with a parent. In the future it may change - if he is sick when he's older, it could be you going to work instead. You support each other.

Report
TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 13:54

I don’t think we should get caught up too much in the financial aspect.

The key question for me is - just how nasty is he how much of the time?
Was his behaviour over his birthday typical? How often is like this. How often does he lose his temper and belittle you?

Report
KatharinaRosalie · 09/12/2019 14:15

So according to him:

  • his income is solely his
  • if you want to have money, you need to earn it
  • even if you go back to work, he is not planning to adjust his life to meet any childcare needs. Let me guess, he also assumes any childcare costs will be paid by you, as they are to 'allow you to work'?
  • he expects you to adjust your hours and kill any career advancement, so he can advance his, but he is not planning to share his income with you,


And he thinks this is fair`?
Report
DecemberDays · 09/12/2019 14:24

There is so much wrong here, it is difficult to know where to start and I imagine many posters have already covered it.

I hope you have proof of how much you have contributed to the mortgage. I would be working out how much equity is yours and also working out how much childcare you would get covered if you go back to work, how much maintenance he would be due you, and whether you might actually be better off that way.

I am willing to bet this is only the tip of the iceberg in the inequality in your household.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

bobsyourauntie · 09/12/2019 14:25

All assets have to be declared in divorce, whether you use solicitors or not.

OP, if he won't recognise the contribution to the house as being from you then he is a total and utter twat. Tell him that you want your money back if he is not going to recognise it as a contribution to the family finances, ie smaller mortgage payments, less interest, possibly nicer bigger home etc.

How the F can he not acknowledge that as being from you and that you have helped the family immensely by putting it into the house?!

I repeat again , that I hope you have properly legally protected your share. In fairness, if the mortgage is joint on the balance, then you should own 75% against his 25%. I doubt he would like that very much.

Report
Molly2016 · 09/12/2019 14:31

I just wanted to point out that in addition to reducing your mortgage debt you’ve also reduced ‘his’ monthly contribution as a result of repaying half the debt.
OP I’m a SAHM. Have been for 5 yrs and will for potentially another 2. My DH’s salary has always been paid into the joint account and whilst we discuss individual large purchases he’s never challenged me on spending the money.
I received an inheritance a couple of years ago when my DM passed.
I used some for savings for the children and the rest is in my savings account. He’s never expressed an opinion on what to spend it on. He’s sees that as my decision and trusts my judgement.
Sounds like you need a serious, calm discussion about finances.

Report
MarshaBradyo · 09/12/2019 14:39

Is his attitude always that it’s his or just this one comment in rebuttal to your don’t deserve it one?

If in general then yes it’s unreasonable and I’d think about returning to work at your own pace, sooner if you want.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.