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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

234 replies

Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 19:19

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

OP posts:
Chickpearocker · 09/12/2019 18:43

Maybe there is a political element to this, being a catholic in Northern Ireland is a lot less about Catholicism and a lot more about other things in my opinion.

buckeejit · 09/12/2019 18:58

Stop biting your tongue & be more like dh & honest when they're disrespecting you.

My family are staunch Presbyterian & when I lived away would bite my tongue a lot & not make how I felt about e.g. Paisley so clear but now I see more of them as moved back to NI, I say what I feel & aren't bothered if it upsets them as their support of DUP upsets me.

Sadly, as we're not Catholic, we don't get to swear. I was always jealous that my Catholic friends got to swear in front of their families when were younger Grin

They're towing the party line. I doubt they'd want you upset but you'd need to ask them outright how they feel about you.

Hornbeamer · 09/12/2019 19:00

My parents married in 1971. My mother is a French catholic, my father a divorced Protestant. My devout grandmother was devastated and never accepted the union. She died last year aged 97 still furious about the situation, despite my parent being married nearly 50 years. My whole life she constantly referred to me and my siblings as illegitimate, as children she took us to mass to have prayers said for our souls. When my father's first wife died in middle age and unexpectedly in tragic circumstances she jumped in, saying my parents could not marry legitimately. She was from another era, but her views and actions were very damaging to her grandchildren. Perhaps make sure MIL never talks like this in front of your children

Hornbeamer · 09/12/2019 19:05

could * now marry legitimately

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 19:05

“Stop biting your tongue & be more like dh & honest when they're disrespecting you.“

Please can someone explain how they were disrespecting her? Unless I’ve missed the update when it turns out she is rude and horrible and treats the OP and her children as second class citizens?

MissConductUS · 09/12/2019 19:07

It's this kind of head banging silliness that convinced me to leave the RCC in my 20's. Not offering communion to non-Catholic baptized Christians was another issue. The RCC's insistence that it has a monopoly on Christianity is a real problem for me.

I converted to Anglicanism and my very devout RC mum was so pleased with my DH that she astutely never said a word about our ceremony being in a Protestant church.

Your MIL knows full well that you are legally married. Try to ignore it as you would if she believed there were fairies living in her garden or that she was being followed by UFO's.

Bloodless · 09/12/2019 19:08

Also from NI - personally it wouldn’t bother me, let her think what she wants. Shows her lack of intelligence more

FlossyChick · 09/12/2019 19:22

My in laws are deliberately unkind rather than being unkind through unthinking dogma. It’s all upsetting though-they don’t approve- but you can’t change or make other people think or do things. Just try to get on with your own life- be kind to them. It’s all you can do really, I refuse to treat them like they treat me-because it’s really unpleasant. Be your lovely self.

Gilld69 · 09/12/2019 19:43

im a practising catholic and had a registry office wedding and im legally married . take no notice , i had a jehovah witness tell me today im not going to heaven im going in a hole in the ground i shut the door after i said fine ill see u in hell then , religion can get a bit overboard sometimes

VenusClapTrap · 09/12/2019 19:57

I can totally understand how this would be hurtful, but I really think this is one hornets’ nest you don’t want to poke a stick in. I would maybe be a bit cool with MIL for a while but don’t let it affect your general relationship, which sounds good on the whole.

A good friend of mine has two children who his very religious NI mother will not recognise, because he is gay and the children are being brought up by two mothers, friends of his who he ‘donated’ to. He is very involved in his children’s lives and would love for his parents to be active grandparents. But no. They will have nothing to do with them.

They have no other grandchildren. Their actions and beliefs are utterly beyond my comprehension, but my friend says it is sadly unsurprising for the part of NI that he’s from. So sad.

buckeejit · 09/12/2019 20:05

@VenusClapTrap that is very sad.

@BertrandRussell well I'd find it disrespectful if someone dismissed my marriage as 'not counting' just because I didn't get married in church.

Just because someone believes in their religious views, I don't think it gives them the right to hurt other people with them. You can choose to be tactful & pick your words carefully or you can act like OPs pil.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 20:06

“My in laws are deliberately unkind rather than being unkind through unthinking dogma”

It’s extraordinary how unkind religious people can be.

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/12/2019 20:28

Yabu to stop botbering with them. But yoy are not being unreasonable to disagree with their wrong opinion.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 20:36

My fil adored his son, his grandchildren and me. He was kind, generous, supportive. But he was constantly troubled at his son not being married, his grandchildren children not being baptised or in any way involved in the church. He felt they were in danger. Of course he had to say something sometimes!

Evilspiritgin · 09/12/2019 21:01

It’s not just catholics in Northern Ireland though is it ? Some Muslims don’t think you’re truly married unless you have both ceremonies

In ops case it sounds like a slip of the tongue, plus quite an overreaction from your husband and yourself about something you or he doesn’t believe in, she was talking factually about someone else and you both took a great leap into making it about yourselves

NaturalDisasters · 09/12/2019 21:43

But the OP’s MIL has never said she doesn’t regard her son and DIL as ‘truly married’ — they aren’t married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. The ILs have not brought this up since the day the OP and their son announced their engagement until this moment, and there’s no suggestion they’ve ever treated her differently.

Some of the comments seem a bit much.

diddl · 09/12/2019 21:47

" Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants"

I had no idea that the Catholic church married divorcees!

Flusteredcustard · 09/12/2019 21:56

If you divorced, he would be able to get married in a catholic church, but of course legally you are married.

Fink · 09/12/2019 22:02

@diddl It's complicated. A divorced Catholic who had married outside the Church could marry (for a second time) in the Catholic Church because their first marriage would be considered invalid, i.e. it was never a real marriage in the eyes of the Church. A divorced non-Catholic who wanted to marry in the Catholic Church (presumably they either want to marry a Catholic, or have themselves converted to Catholicism since their marriage) couldn't as their first marriage would be considered valid by the Church.

The Catholic Church would consider that the OP's husband's cousin had never actually been married, and therefore she would be free to marry in the Church for what the Church would consider to be the first time, and the law would consider to be the second time.

Of course, then you could get into the thorny topic of annulments ...

Commonwasher · 09/12/2019 22:23

Presumably you would try to be kind to your partner’s parents whether or not you happened to get married?

His mother has been quite fantastically tactless, tho even if she doesn’t realise it.

I reckon I would just say with a wink that I never thought the ‘for worse’ aspect of the ‘for better for worse’ vow would mean keeping your temper in the face of accusations from the MIL about ‘proper weddings’ then sigh theatrically and say ‘Vows are vows, eh.’

Angrywife · 09/12/2019 22:50

Does it really matter.
In the grand scheme of things it's a non issue

Logjam · 09/12/2019 22:52

I think it’s pointless to go gi about it being Mils beliefs are therefore it’s ok. The Op is upset at having her choices devalued and should maybe explain how she feels to mil - call out her behaviour in a calm way - stop allowing her a say in your lives.

saraclara · 09/12/2019 23:15

MIL hasn't had a say in their lives, @logjam
She made a tactless comment about someone else. Otherwise OP wouldn't have had a clue that her MIL felt this way, as MIL didn't express an opinion before, never mind attempting to have a say.

Gwilt160981 · 10/12/2019 06:10

I'm a lapsed Catholic my husband was never baptised, we got married in a registry office and it upset the Catholics in my extended family. They made snide remarks even about the colour of my wedding dress cos it was red. They caused rows between me and my dear dad who was also lapsed Catholic (me and my dad didn't see eye to eye for a good year and half and I won't ever get that back because they got in his ear ☹️ my dad passed away 5 years ago). Me and my husband still had our day. I didn't want a church wedding. The devout Catholics soon changed their tune when daughter was born they never mentioned about getting her baptised. my advice is stand your ground. No matter how many rows it causes it's your day not there's. Me and hubby been married 12 years next FebruarySmile

Purplealienpuke · 10/12/2019 07:07

Having been on the receiving end of a zealous Catholic outlaw (I wasn't married to the father of my child) I feel your pain. He had been married before (no kids) and his wife (Catholic) had left him for his FRIEND yet outlaw still declared TO MY FACE she preferred his wife... because she was CATHOLIC 🙄.
I will never understand such indoctrination, of any religion. I hope it doesn't affect your kids relationship with their grandparents. I made the effort to keep a relationship going with the outlaws even after my relationship with their son broke down.