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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

234 replies

Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 19:19

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blerdebler · 09/12/2019 10:56

I'm from NI, I don't call myself a protestant because I don't see myself as one but PILs probably would.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2019 10:58

MIL wasn't talking about OP's marriage. MIL was talking about church teachings in relation to the cousin's divorce and possible re-marriage.

And the cousin’s divorce is none of her business and her opinion on it irrelevant. MIL was made aware of what she said by her own son who asked for clarification and she made the choice to be defensive. That’s MIL’s beliefs fine and she can have them, but OP can equally be hurt and choose to take a step back from her because of them.

Butchyrestingface · 09/12/2019 11:03

My late mother was a devout Catholic and would have held the same view. I was very, very close to her and it would not have affected our relationship.

I gather this revelation has come as something of a surprise to the OP, although it shouldn't have done for her husband, if he was raised Catholic and specifically, in that household.

It does sound as if it slipped out though, rather than a statement made with malice aforethought. Can't see myself getting worked out about it, far less pulling the plug on cordial relations/making an effort with them.

Logjam · 09/12/2019 11:06

Asking her to choose between her religion and her DIL, DS and DGC is awful. Where did the OP request this?

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:07

phoenix obviously OP can choose to be hurt about anything but it doesn't make sense. MIL's position hasn't changed so why is OP choosing to be upset by it this time? If OP would answer that question, then posters would be able to advise her.

As for whether the MIL can talk about the cousin's divorce, I'd suggest the MIL is a better judge of that than you.

victoria0132 · 09/12/2019 11:12

If you don't believe in the Church there is no point getting married in one as you're making all the promises to something you don't believe in. Surely this makes it 'not count' more than anything else! If you're legally married why on earth would you get married again?! Very rude of your in laws. Besides it really annoys me when people who don't regularly go to church get married in one because it's a "nice long aisle", "think of the nice photos" and in some cases cheaper. Instead they go to Church a few times just before they get married to tick the box never to be seen again Hmm

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 11:15

I am still baffled that anyone who’s spent any time in a practicing Catholic family would be surprised by this. I am even more baffled why it would be upsetting. Unless the ils treat the OP and the children badly or unkindly or a second class relations.

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 11:17

And I love the idea that a cousin’s divorce isn’t any of the mil’s business so she shouldn’t be talking about it. It’s as if some people have never been in a family.....

LolaSmiles · 09/12/2019 11:19

It's not really news that someone religious would believe their faith's version of marriage and might not see civil marriage as the same.

I understand why you're hurt OP. Unless there's a backstory I'd view this as a difference of belief surrounding marriage, not as a judgement on how they feel about your relationship.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2019 11:19

@YouSawThePlans

OP said she was shocked by it hence her being hurt. She obviously hadn’t known that they didn’t see their marriage as illegitimate.

You’re right I don’t know. I just find it rude to discuss other family members personal issues to others (family or not). Not exactly something that should be talked about over lunch imo.

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:20

It definitely feels as though there is a backstory which the OP is carefully avoiding giving.
Since OP is considering using this as an excuse to stop wife work, I wonder if this is all actually about OP's dynamic with her DH (and MIL's comment is just a convenient excuse for the OP to use to try to establish new boundaries in her relationship with her DH).

bluebluezoo · 09/12/2019 11:21

I am still baffled that anyone who’s spent any time in a practicing Catholic family would be surprised by this. I am even more baffled why it would be upsetting. Unless the ils treat the OP and the children badly or unkindly or a second class relations

This.

Basically mil knows you are legally married but are not in the eyes of God according to her beliefs.

It's her religion and her belief. You will get nowhere challenging it.

Of course they see you as their son's wife. They just don't think God sees you the same way. If you aren't worried what God thinks of your relationship then there is no problem....

Attheendofmytether12345 · 09/12/2019 11:22

Logjam: Op is thinking of distancing herself and family because MIL made a statement about what she believed as a Catholic.
Which seems to imply that if MIL follows her Catholic faith and believes what the church teaches, then Op can't accept that and will distance herself/family. So MIL has a choice between her faith and keeping the existing relationship with her DIL and family.

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 11:23

I am still baffled that anyone who’s spent any time in a practicing Catholic family would be surprised by this. I am even more baffled why it would be upsetting

Quite. I think it’s quaint and amusing. Upsetting, no.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2019 11:24

And I love the idea that a cousin’s divorce isn’t any of the mil’s business so she shouldn’t be talking about it. It’s as if some people have never been in a family.....

I have, but still don’t talk about someone’s divorce in detail. I keep it to that’s unfortunate and that I hope they get through it and leave it at that. I may even ask the couple involved (depending on how close we are) if they’re all right and if they need anything let us know but other than that I stay out it.

YouSawThePlans · 09/12/2019 11:29

But Phoenix it shouldn't have been a shock - that's exactly where I'm struggling with this! I'm from an Irish family. RC on DM's side and Protestant on DF's. I'm RC. DH isn't.
Honestly, you can't get married without a discussion about what format the marriage service will take. There's an entire complicated hierarchy from RC marrying RC in a RC church, to RC marrying non RC in a RC church, to RC marrying non- RC in a non-RC church, to RC marrying RC in a civil service to RC marrying non-RC in a civil service. There are high masses or low masses or services with communion or services without communion in the RC church, etc. I realise it probably seems ott to those outwith the community but ime it's a fundamental topic in both RC and Protestant Irish families.

peachgreen · 09/12/2019 11:41

DH is from NI. His family is Protestant and said the same about DH's previous marriage (civil ceremony). It's a fairly common belief amongst religious people and not unique to Catholics.

saraclara · 09/12/2019 12:06

And I love the idea that a cousin’s divorce isn’t any of the mil’s business so she shouldn’t be talking about it. It’s as if some people have never been in a family.....

And given that most of us here post on mumsnet about things that are not really any of our business, I don't think we have room to criticise MIL for talking about her own relative either.

Original poster
Blerdebler · 09/12/2019 12:09

DH hasn't been to a non family event Mass for years. Pils haven't either. Couldn't tell you the last time any of them went to confession or took communion. They don't follow their religion closely at all. So I'm just suprised that they still consider our marriage as one that "doesn't count", it seems a bit pick and choose to me. Coupled with the comments they've made in the past (which I have brushed off) and the fact we are in a mixed marriage in NI, it just felt to me as though the way they see me and DH's relationship isn't how I assumed they saw it

OP posts:
Original poster
Blerdebler · 09/12/2019 12:12

So basically what I'm trying to say is that given they didn't seem to take other elements of their faith seriously, I assumed that (apart from a vague preference) they didn't see the church wedding thing as a huge issue either, and now it seems they do, so I wonder what else they don't like that I've not realised.
BertrandRussell stop being so facetious too

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 12:15

“ BertrandRussell stop being so facetious too”

I’m not. I’m sharing my experience of having an Irish Catholic in law who found his son’s relationship difficult to deal with. Nothing facetious about that. I thought you might even find it helpful.

Onesnowballshort · 09/12/2019 12:16

@peachgreen I would agree with you in general but it is a bit different for catholics as marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church, and it isn't for Protestants. So there's an extra layer of holy in there Grin

Attheendofmytether12345 · 09/12/2019 12:18

That kind of changes the picture if they aren't practising their religion - seems odd to pick up on marriage whilst ignoring everything else.

AloneLonelyLoner · 09/12/2019 12:19

If they are generally ok I would forgive this little slight.

You aren't married as far as they are concerned and YABU to expect otherwise.

YANBU to expect respect though and it sounds like it is generally not a problem.

Fink · 09/12/2019 12:22

I've found @BertrandRussell 's comments to be some of the most helpful on this thread, not at all facetious. She and I have disagreed about faith issues on other threads years ago (I only remember the username because of RL connotations), but on this I think she's spot on.