In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

[Blerdebler]

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

@banivani The situation you describe is different because the couple weren't Catholic at the time they married. The Catholic Church consider marriages between non-Catholics to be valid (and even sacramental if both the couple are baptised into a different Christian denomination) no matter where they're conducted: registry office, mosque, beach ... The difference is that the op's husband was baptised as a Catholic, therefore he is obliged, according to canon law, to marry in the church or at the very least to have got permission to marry elsewhere.

Yes, that's right, @Fink. When a friend of mine was applying for an annulment, I inadvertently became a minor expert on canon law.

You could point out that cousin cant do it 'properly ' next time as she is divorced. The catholic church make not recognise non religious weddings, but it does recognise divorce and any divorced person cannot get married in a catholic church.

Shocked

Your DH sounds like a keeper standing up for you both like that.

I can totally relate to this. My MIL told me on my wedding day that we weren't properly married. Almost 20 years later were still going strong.
It still hasn't sunk in wither there though, she still see some me as an outcast & has treat my son very differently to the other grandchildren.

Let it go.

Perhaps not easy, but you and DH aren't going to change and neither will they. Let it be. But don't stop doing what you've always done with them.

Does she make comments like these All the time? If it’s a one off and you mean to cut ties with them over it YABU. Reoccurrence- YANBU. I’m catholic btw. I would see you as being married but the older generation or certainly the fervent ones won’t.

As recognised by some of the more recent posters, it's all a bit more complicated than that.... My now Dh had been previously married in a registry office, but THAT marriage was recognised when we tried to get married (neither he or his first wife were Catholics...)

So now I am married to a divorcee in a non-recognised marriage... which might mean that I am ex-communicated. Or something. The one consolation is that perhaps my DH and i will be on different sides of heaven, as i honestly can't face eternity with him. He's alright... but, eternity?!

You are entitled to feel outraged by your MiL’s expressed beliefs. On the other hand, she’s entitled to hold whatever (nutty, medieval) beliefs she chooses. She was immensely tactless. If she is otherwise an ok person, I’d try and see the bigger picture. Your chap is right to challenge her though, and nothing wrong with being firm about your own beliefs.

your happy married and love each other you both know that.
dont say nothing let it go, one day they will want a favour then drop the bomb, but in you eyes we are not married and let them stew and dont do the favour
it will hurt them like they hurt you
stay strong you and hubby have got each other.

My mum (Catholic) and my dad (C of E) were married in a C of E church. Their first baby was stillborn - priest went to visit them and said their baby died because they weren't married in the eyes of God. Needless to day my dad showed him the door. True story

“ dont say nothing let it go, one day they will want a favour then drop the bomb, but in you eyes we are not married and let them stew and dont do the favour”
Fuck me that’s a vile attitude!

Same situation here two sets of catholic parents who don’t believe we are married, from their point of view with their beliefs they are right. From our point of view we are married people are entitled to their beliefs and we can’t expect them to change their values even if we don’t believe in them.

She's delusional, a shame. Either she'll learn and cope or the flawed logic will die with her. Recommend a good shrink to her

I come from a Catholic background.
To Catholics, marriage is a rite. So unless you marry in church, you have not had the rite, and are not religiously married.
She probably draws a distinction between legal and religious marriage.
It was a hurtful comment, but try not to think about it too much. Of course you are "properly" married in every way that counts, and you and your DH both know it.

I'd have let it go, presuming they are just a bit religious, and set in their ways,

But in the light of the latest update that the ILs don't even go regularly to church, I'd ask them to explain how their very many shortcomings wrt "their" religion balances with their imagined superiority over a blasted church wedding. .

If the conversation really went like that I think she was being factual from a Catholic point of view and not deliberately insensitive. Almost a “Phew, at least she didn’t get married properly in church so in future if she ever wanted to marry properly she still can”. Tactless maybe but it’s doubtful it was aimed maliciously at you.

Same situation here two sets of catholic parents who don’t believe we are married, from their point of view with their beliefs they are right. From our point of view we are married people are entitled to their beliefs and we can’t expect them to change their values even if we don’t believe in them.

Same here. It doesn't bother either DH or me. All four parents are devout Catholics in their 70s who still find the idea of civil weddings a bit naughty and illicit. They understand that we are legally married, but it doesn't really 'count' for them, as their view of marriage is that it's a sacrament.

I think the posters who are shrieking about it are not understanding that it's simply a case of different worldviews, which are generational as well as spiritual.

The OP's has never mentioned this before, and only blurted it out accidentally about someone else who is in the process of getting a divorce -- she wasn't being intentionally hurtful, and there's no suggestion in the OP's posts that she's ever treated her as a second-class citizen. I wouldn't be turning it into some kind of feud.

I don't think she meant it as a hurtful comment. My mil thinks the same way. We did get married in the Catholic Church as I'm not baptised and CofE wouldn't have us!

Mil often says the same about DHs cousins although she wouldn't say it in front of them. But it's a fact that you weren't married before god - if you don't t believe then it shouldn't matter to you what her views are.

Yes, exactly, @Twofingers.

I also suspect that at least one of our parents surreptitiously baptised my son when he was tiny and we were visiting (as in, pured some holy water on his head and muttered the rite -- not that they snuck him off to the nearest priest). Again, it comes from a good, if superstitious place, of fear of the fate of the unbaptised soul. Obviously, I think this is nonsense, but they are from a generation that saw unbaptised babies being refused burial in consecrated ground, and it remains a fear for them.

Some Catholics have strong views on divorce and non church weddings ignore her and just move on

If she's very religious it will matter that her son is not married in the eyes of God.

I presume you've not had the children Christened either?

Of course you are married and you and your DH are in full agreement about your wedding and marriage and MiL is being rude.

But her beliefs are what they are.

Just ignore her, some people have strong (and odd) views on this. Doesn't apply to the c of e thankfully, my Vicar offered to marry me when the time comes (need to sort out divorce paperwork first!) not sure I'll bother

If you have a good relationship with your ILs , take this as a slip. You know you are married and really doesn't matter. They have their beliefs and you have yours. Be strong in your beliefs and values just as they are in theirs.