In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

[Blerdebler]

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

I have a catholic friend so I looked into this a bit... (lots of specific reasons).

If you are catholic and marry a non catholic outside the church, it doesn’t count so you can marry again in the church.

If you are catholic and marry in the church, you cannot marry in the church again (or take communion if you divorce and find someone else as you in the eyes of the church is committing adultery). Also, I think the priest will refuse to marry a catholic to a non-catholic without converting to Catholicism or at the very least promising to raise the children as catholics.

It does have implications if you want to baptise you’re children in the Catholic Church or if you are looking to send them to a catholic school.

Any chance at all MIL wanted to make the best of it as the cousin can continue to take communion and also marry again if she wants? And not at all targeted at you and your DH?

I think she just meant that she’d be able to get married in a church next time whereas if she’d had a catholic ceremony the first time round she wouldn’t. Try not to take it personally, I’m sure that if they really cared they would have made it known previously (like a friend’s in laws who tried to talk her DH into leaving her and their first son who was born before they married, but not other two, in front of her, every time they saw them).

I don’t know why you’d be hurt by this tbh. Her catholic views have no value to you so why would you be hurt by her adherence to the catholic rules? it’s meaningless to you. She hasn’t said you aren’t his partner or you’re a lesser human being. Just that her belief is that god didn’t bless your marriage. Why would it matter to you whether “god” blessed your marriage?

Ah the good old Catholic church and its ridiculous priests.

Sorry now, but I would have thought that the Fundamentalist Protestant side of NI would be much more cognisant of religion in their lives.

I know this, have seen it. Catholics are in the main fine with whatever decision you make IMV.

Not that it should boil down to religion anyway. It is a legal contract end of the day.

I think it would be fairly mean to stop making an effort because she made a blunder. Her beliefs shouldn't surprise you and it isn't personal to you.

My MIL is lrish Catholic. She goes to church every day. Literally.
l love my in laws, they're really nice. But....
We've been together over 22 years, with a few breaks over the years. My OH is a lapsed (very!) Catholic. Nine years ago l was very ill, being investigated for lung cancer (which fortunately, it wasn't).
We decided at the time to have a pagan handfasting. l'm pagan, he's not, but we wanted to make a commitment and he was more than happy with the ceremony's done. We only had the actual ritual, we didn't do the legal registrar bit like you did. Didn't feel the need. We never told them. We knew they (or rather she) wouldn't get it at all. We knew it would just cause contention, so we kept quiet.
About a month ago, before we celebrated the in laws' Diamond Wedding Anniversary, she dropped into conversation with my OH that "we think (!) it's time you and Kats got married."
We actually think his dad would be fine about the handfasting, he's really not a churchgoer, (Christmas and Easter) but l don't think she would take it well.
However - legally, you're married. This is about what you wanted to do, not about someone else's beliefs. lt's a difficult one, though.

"" DH is a devout catholic and had a conversation with his priest about a registry office wedding - which is all I was offering - and the priest had no issue with the marriage not being recognised by the church, all he wanted was a commitment that any children were brought up in the church.""

They'll say anything for bums on seats and the school being full.

My DH was Catholic. His first marriage, which produced five children didn't count, so we could have got married in a Catholic Church. We compromised and chose a progressive Methodist Church.

Like it or not, those are the rules. At least she isn't a hypocrite. Unlike the Priests who know say that having children outside of marriage is fine. As said, anything for bums on seats.

If this is a one off, I would let it go.

well, she is Catholic, that's what they believe, weren't you aware? you are free not to believe, they are free to do so, you have your conception of marriage they have thesis, do you expect them to change their views to yours? why should they?

of course they don't think you are properly married, not in the eyes of God, you must have known they thought this

Just to add, my DH very much followed the compassionate side of Catholicism. So we just avoided certain conversations.

It was my GM that I had issues with. I had to lie after my Births and say that I'd been 'Churched'.

You aren't properly married in the eyes of God according to her genuinely held beliefs. So what? If you care what she thinks so very much then quietly get the priest to do the ceremony blessing for you both. In theory if you don't believe in god-approval but do believe in MIL-approval then this is the easy solution.

If DH is like me though he won't pretend he believes in her god because for years of his childhood he will have been forced to perform as if he were a believer, hiding his atheism, and no bloody way is he doing that any more.

Stop doing so much nice stuff for her all the same. If her own son can't be arsed then why should you?

The question I have is what does it mean to them if you arent 'properly' married?
Does it mean you are not family, that you are not as important to them as if you had been married in church?

If it doesnt change how they feel about you, then I tink it was tactless but wo any consequences.
If what they mean by that is that you arent actually important and 'dont count', then I would want to review the relationhsip.

But more importantky here is how your DH feels. I would want first and foremost to have a chat with him and see what he wants to do. Raising the issue, brushing things under the carpet? Something in between?

Even catholics have to learn religious tolerance. Most us do, there is just one nutter here and there as in any religion.

If they are normally nice, ignore it. If they tend to make an issue out of it... yes, stop bothering about being nice to them.

I'm a Catholic (lapsed) married on a beach to a non Catholic divorcee! He was my mum's worst nightmare as a partner for me! I know she doesn't view us as married despite 17 years now! It's not brought up but I know her views and it doesn't affect our relationship.
In terms of the church, both my children go to Catholic school and have made their holy communion. I'm not sure why it's important to me despite being lapsed! My husband would say I've been brainwashed!

Your in Northern Ireland. Are you really suprised by her attitude? I'm not. Priest said he would happily marry her even though she was divorced- of course she would have to convert

I wasn't married in a catholic church (nor any church) and my parents probably think it counts for less than those that were.

We have never discussed it, and I really don't care.

But it probably doesn’t change how she sees you or how she feels about her gc. Catholics, especially Irish ones (in my experience as one!) are a bit funny about non-Church marriages. My mil is convinced me and the dh aren’t really married because we didn’t really say vows. By law, we are, Catholic Church etc.

I do feel that it means they look at me differently. I do get on well with them, for the main part, but it's involved a lot of tongue biting at times - they've made comments that I've felt are quite pointed at times (comments about the area I was brought up, comments about the university I went to) and at the time I felt it was a bit "let's see how she'll react" but I just smiled and let it go over my head. Now I think that maybe they've seen me as some sort of temporary fixture and are secretly quite pleased at the thought that if me and DH broke up he could get together with a nice Catholic girl from their area after all.

She never said a word when her youngest moved in with his girlfriend and had a baby before marriage, but then they were always going to end up walking down the aisle at the in laws church anyway

Just accept that is how they are, limit contact if that helps, be pleasant but distant and don't discuss religion. Good luck (hug)

You arent being unreasonable to be upset. But i do think its pointless to be upset in this scenario, because ultimately, it says alot about your in laws. Clearly wuite narrow minded people who focus abit too much on religion to consider other peoples views.

The pro’s in this situation is your husband stood up and challenged her, and that means he’s definitely wanting to protect yours and your his decision on how yous got married. And really, thats all that matters!

Yous are happy. Does it really matter what the in laws opinion is? Nope. So dont let it bother you. Some people just cant be open minded and thats nothing to do with you. You’s are married legally, that counts. Ofcourse it does. Pay no mind to those who cant be happy for others if it doesnt fit in with ‘their values’. X

Her and her priests view is you are not married in the eyes of God and that is what 'marriage' is to her personally. She will accept you are committed to each other and legally 'married' but not religiously which is what matters to her.

That is her belief, yours is different, no point arguing about it.

From her perspective you are not properly married.

But as long as you and your husband are happy it doesn't matter what she thinks as neither of you share her views.

I come from a religious family but am atheist myself. I really don't think they are hoping he'll dump you.

They are unhappy about their son burning in hell for all eternity, which they believe will actually happen. They are disappointed he didn't marry a devout catholic girl who would bring him back to the side of the angels. They don't really want rid of you. They want him back to god. It's not personal to you. Ignore their sky fairy worries, you can't do anything about it.