In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

[Blerdebler]

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset but once the initial shock wears off I wouldn't let it bother you anymore....let them think what they like....you know you were married legally in the way you wanted to be and you're happy with your choice....better for them to think what they like than have pushed you into having a religious ceremony you didn't want. I wouldn't let it change your relationship with them or think any less of them....just agree to disagree and have a little chuckle to yourself that they're so narrow minded they can only see things their way

Their views are outdated and rude.

I would have an honest discussion re: what your role is within the family and make it clear in advance that until now you thought very highly of them and do a tremendous amount for them off the back of what is clearly a one sided relationship.

Clarify how hurt you feel and how hurt your husband is and tell her in no uncertain terms that if that is how she truly views you and her outdated religious views mean more to her than her family you will happily take a smaller role from now on.

The only reason that priest said what he did is because he missed out on the money from a wedding. Greedy sod.

“ Their views are outdated and rude.”

No they aren’t. They are certainly wrong in my opinion. And maybe tactless to express them. But not outdated at all-that’s what Catholic’s think.

They are believers and will believe the priest. You know the truth of your relationship. And carry on as you always have. Just ignore it. Not worth it in my view. They are what they are. You are what you are

I know plenty of Catholics that would think your MIL is being ridiculous! Of course it’s outdated!!

Religion is outdated.

However, the MIL’s view is what the Pope would say. You know-the Pope? Head of the Catholic Church?

Indeed. Religion is outdated. People pick and choose the bits they want to follow, but you can't blame the OP's in laws for following what the church (and their priest) teaches.

The bitter truth is your marriage DOESN’T count from any religious perspective. So if either of you were to remarry in a church / mosque / temple - you would be treated like any unmarried person even if you had kids. But why does it bother you? Both of you deliberately chose to fly in the face of local convention with your marriage - so you just need to get better at being resilient.

I think the key thing is that the ILs have never mentioned it since before the OP and their son got married until this conversation, where it was said in innocence about someone else. It wasn’t a dig. They’ve kept their views to themselves and, from what the OP says, been nice PILs.