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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

234 replies

Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 19:19

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 08/12/2019 21:08

Yanbu

If you have been doing things that you rather not for their acceptance than stop doing them and let your husband take over. If he’s not bothered, not your problem and his family can take it up with him since she believes you’re not properly married.

babypossum · 08/12/2019 21:08

So meant to add, there are times when you will never please or be accepting by your in-laws.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 08/12/2019 21:09

We were similar - huge, beautiful wedding with all pils friends and family invited in a Protestant church. My mil asked afterwards when were we getting the marriage blessed (my a catholic priest) so it “counted in the eyes of god” FFS Hmm

In the end we said we’d look into it and never brought it up again.

I remember feeling a bit hurt about it all, especially as they were basically saying a Protestant church wasn’t good enough.

Hopefully your mil is embarrassed enough to shut up about it in the future.

saraclara · 08/12/2019 21:14

Oh come on. This isn't the MIL not accepting the OP. That's not it at all. There is absolutely nothing in this slip up to say that she doesn't accept or like the OP. She may even love her. It's a religious technicality that she tactlessly mentioned in relation to someone else. It's not a snub or an indication that she doesn't approve of OP's relationship.

It's REALLY important not to read more into this than is intended. Yes, it was right for DH to take her to task over not recognising the marriage as 'proper', but at the same time, it's not something worthy of OP changing her behaviour and being less pleasant to them.

Onesnowballshort · 08/12/2019 21:15

I don't think it should change how you relate to her. I had one dc before marriage and one dc after - didn't have an impact on how I treated my (now) mil or how she treated her grand children. But I know she likes things to be done "properly" so I'm sure she prefers it now we are married.
The little jibes about your background however I'd be speaking up about (or getting your dh to speak up about)

AngelsOnHigh · 08/12/2019 21:19

Your MIl doesn't feel you are married in the eyes of God.

If you don't believe in God then it shouldn't upset you as the comment has no relevance to your life.
my best friend's parents were married in Germany after WW11. Don't know what the procedures ae now, but back then you had to have a civil service before a church wedding.

They had the civil service but never went ahead with the church wedding.

Friend's and relatives never really believed they were married.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/12/2019 21:19

"I do feel that it means they look at me differently. I do get on well with them, for the main part, but it's involved a lot of tongue biting at times - they've made comments that I've felt are quite pointed at times (comments about the area I was brought up, comments about the university I went to) and at the time I felt it was a bit "let's see how she'll react" but I just smiled and let it go over my head. Now I think that maybe they've seen me as some sort of temporary fixture and are secretly quite pleased at the thought that if me and DH broke up he could get together with a nice Catholic girl from their area after all." (my boldong)

"I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?"

Honestly? I'd never bite my tongue again. And yes, I would stop making the effort.

I'd also expect a sincere apology from MIL. Otherwise, I'd be taking Aderyn's line - "If they don't consider you married, you don't have to consider them family, which absolves you of any obligations you might ordinarily feel towards ILs going forward!"

TerribleCustomerCervix · 08/12/2019 21:20

Is it a mixed marriage OP?

I’m (NI) Protestant and DH is from ROI and a very very religious family.

We got married in a non-denominational church up here, which was a good compromise for both families. Afterwards, MIL casually mentioned in passing that she’d asked her priest about getting our marriage recognised by the Catholic Church, and we simply needed to write to the bishop to let him know we’d had a civil ceremony.

I remember stopping myself from saying “Why on earth would anyone feel the need to do that?” and just “mhmm”-ed politely instead.

I would put money on MIL having written that letter on our behalf.

Cuteypye · 08/12/2019 21:22

Some inaccuracies in some of the posts above
A Catholic can marry a non catholic without converting.
You can get married in the Catholic Church when divorced, as long as first marriage wasn’t in the Catholic church.
A Catholic who married in the church can, in certain circumstances, get the marriage annulled and marry again in the church. Circumstances are if they were pressurised into getting married, such as being pregnant etc.
My mother was a Catholic and married my father in the Catholic church nearly 70 years ago. I’m a Catholic and was married in a Catholic Church to a non catholic, as did my daughter. Non of our partners converted and it hasn’t been a problem.

Cuteypye · 08/12/2019 21:28

As far as your mil is concerned the laws of the Catholic Church are far more important than the laws of the land. You aren’t married in the eyes of the Catholic Church if you don’t get married in the Church. I know it’s annoying for you but it’s her beliefs, so please don’t change how you treat her. She cannot change her views, her belief in God means she has to have these views.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/12/2019 21:29

This is how some religious people think though isn't it? It's just a fact.
I've read a few Catholic websites where they claim that people married in one of the Protestant denominations aren't really married. I don't know what they'd think of people married under a totally different religion. It's quite narrow minded, but it's part of their religion, so you shouldn't be that shocked.
Many protestant clergy people would co-officiate a marriage in a Catholic church, but Catholic priests won't do the same.
Same as a Protestant can't be a godparent in a Catholic christening - have to be known as a Christian witness I think.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2019 21:30

I think you should take it all with a pinch of salt. They’re comedy Catholics who think you’re living in sin .

It’s much easier to make a joke out of the whole thing than take offence every time they refer to it. If they see you don’t take it seriously they will give up as they won’t get any mileage from it.

Proseccoagain · 08/12/2019 21:39

DH (very lapsed) was from a devout Catholic family.
We married in a Protestant church (I am Protestant), and I think PILs were so glad to see him married they didn't mind at all. (DMIL was desperate for grandchildren!). I did ask them a few years later how they felt about it but they were happy about it all. (Although I expect a few words might have been said to his aunties and uncles but I shall never know). I could not have had better PILs, they were lovely.

Fink · 08/12/2019 21:41

I'm a practising Catholic. As pp have said, Catholics would not consider you to be married (because your DH is baptised - if neither of you had been Catholic then a non-religious wedding would have been valid). I have family members in similar situations. I wouldn''t dream of ever saying to them that they're not really married; I make the assumption that if they were bothered about such things, they know where to find a church. We just wouldn't talk about it unless for some reason they directly asked me, which seems very unlikely.

It seems like your MIL didn't intentionally bring it up in order to offend you or make a point of saying that she doesn't recognise your marriage; she was talking about a different couple, quite possibly forgot that your marriage was also like that, and then was put on the spot. If she's never said anything else negative about your marriage or treated you badly then I would just take it as a slip of the tongue.

Vulpine · 08/12/2019 21:48

What a load of baloney

RedTitsMcGinty · 08/12/2019 21:49

I totally get what you’re feeling. I’m the child of a Norn Irish mixed marriage and my parents went through this shite in the 70s. I’m sorry it’s still a thing. And as someone said upthread, she’ll think your kids are illegitimate too. Been there, heard the comments. There’s no call for that kind of crap in this day and age. Angry

YourOpinionIsNoted · 08/12/2019 21:50

Religions only recognise their own religious laws / ceremonies isn't really a shocker, is it?

She knows you're Married, but you're not Married-Married to her. Because if she's really, properly believing in her religion, the only way you can be married is by a Catholic priest in a Catholic church. She's not going to be able to not believe that to be nice to you.

Religion isn't logical. It's illogical by necessity, as otherwise it would all fall apart. You can't reason with crazy.

dontalltalkatonce · 08/12/2019 22:06

She should count herself lucky you're even legally married.

YouSawThePlans · 08/12/2019 22:25

She wasn't talking about you and DH. She was talking about the RC Church's view on the cousin's divorce and a possible remarriage. You might not like it but MIL was correct that the Church views an RC marriage differently from a civil ceremony.

This is such a non-event, I wonder why it's upsetting you. Have you been feeling marginalise in the family lately? Or are you regretting that you didn't get married in a Church? Because if neither of them is true then I don't understand why someone stating church position about someone else's divorce would impact you at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 22:43

It honestly depends on whether they treat you nicely otherwise. If they do, then it's just a thoughtless remark (superstitious people can't help being superstitious and, if they are otherwise lovely, you have to just let it go as a daft little quirk.)
If that was one in a long line of digs and they clearly value their imaginary friend more than they value you, then it's not unreasonable to stop putting yourself out for them - be civil, of course, but there's no need for any effort.

StoppinBy · 08/12/2019 22:44

As a non religious person I can kind of see her point, in law you are married but religiously (which is where I guess marriage has it's roots) you were not married before god.

I would just agree to disagree on this one and not talk about it again, you wont change her opinion and she wont change yours, unless it's something that effects your relationship on a day to day basis (ie, they treat the kids badly etc) then I would just let it go.

Whathewhatnow · 08/12/2019 22:52

Meh. Marriage to them is a religious institution. Which is fine. I dont share that view but it is theirs.
Marriage to you and DH is presumably a legal and social contract. Which is also fine. Its just the two don't accord.

15 years ago this sort of religious viewpoint would have got me incensed. Now I just think... meh. If they treat you well and love you, that is all you need. You're happy with your secular marriage: that's all that matters.

Louise91417 · 08/12/2019 22:52

Good old fashioned norn irish catholicism at its best🤣

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 22:55

Are they nice kind people? Are they good loving grandparents? If so, ignore and carry on. Of course they don’t think you’re “properly married”. You aren’t in their eyes!

Whathewhatnow · 08/12/2019 22:56

I'm not sure it is very helpful to talk about people's imaginary friends. That's a bit dismissive of religious adherence... it's absolutely core to some people's lives, nothing to be gained from making fun....I am a committed atheist incidentally.

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