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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws don't think we're properly married. AIBU to stop making any effort.

234 replies

Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 19:19

DH is a very lapsed Catholic. I am not. We live in NI and had a non religious wedding ceremony five years ago. We have DC together and I am pregnant. When we announced our engagement, my inlaws did tell DH that they hoped we'd be getting married in church, DH said no, that wouldn't be happening, and there was no further comment.

We were round at the in laws today for lunch and they were talking about a cousin who is getting divorced. MIL then said "well it doesn't count anyway, they didn't get married in church, Cousin can always do it the proper way if she wants". There was a bit of an awkward silence, and DH said "mum, you do realise what you've just said?" MIL looked awkward then began to bluster, saying "well I did tell you before you got married, I asked the priest and he says it doesn't count". DH was really cross and said "I think you'll find it counts in law regardless of what the fucking priest says"

We left soon after. DH is fuming, I'm just hurt really. What have they really thought my role is all this time?

I do quite a bit for pils - nice presents, making sure they see the DC, just always tried to make the effort to maintain a good relationship with them. AIBU to stop making the effort, seeing as I'm not really their sons wife in their eyes?

OP posts:
IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 08/12/2019 20:04

She never said a word when her youngest moved in with his girlfriend and had a baby before marriage

That you heard.

Original poster
Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 20:06

I suppose I assumed they look at it the way I do. That a marriage is a marriage according to the various laws and customs of the land it happens in,that doesn't always have to be religious. Yes I get that she'd prefer a religious ceremony, but still assumed she'd consider us actually married, if that makes sense

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/12/2019 20:06

Your DH is a keeper. Kudos to him for instantly showing his DM this was out of line, rather than just staying quiet for fear of 'rocking the boat'.

Soffy · 08/12/2019 20:06

You dont share her belief in God / her religion.

She doesnt share your views regarding your marriage..

It doesnt really matter as it's all just opinion and I personally wouldn't start making more out of it than that. It's really not worth it.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/12/2019 20:12

I think she just meant that she’d be able to get married in a church next time whereas if she’d had a catholic ceremony the first time round she wouldn’t

Doesn't matter either way. If she is legally married she can't remarry in the RC church without an annulment, irrespective of where that marriage took place.

Sindragosan · 08/12/2019 20:14

Clearly you're all going to hell Hmm

From a strict Catholic point of view, you're not married and your children should anything happen to them would end up in limbo (downgraded from the outer circle of hell).

Should you divorce, as your DH wasn't "married" he could have a church wedding with a nice Catholic girl. You're in NI, I'm not sure why old fashioned religious beliefs surprised you.

CatteStreet · 08/12/2019 20:15

'Any chance at all MIL wanted to make the best of it as the cousin can continue to take communion and also marry again if she wants? And not at all targeted at you and your DH?'

I agree that this ^^ is presumably what she meant, and you are both overreacting (did your dh actually say 'the fucking priest'?)

I really don't think it's a comment on you at all, OP.

Original poster
Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 20:16

I suppose they shouldn't really, but then people trick you, they act all normal and go on about how much they like the Baileys hot chocolate at the Christmas Market, then next thing they're telling you the end of the world is coming because some lad at the church meeting last night said so

OP posts:
Original poster
Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 20:17

and yes I mean you Sandra at work

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 08/12/2019 20:17

I don't know why their opinion is so important to you.
My df would also say you're not married in the eyes of God, but not to you directly because he's tactful.
It's just a religious pov so if you're not religious don't worry.

BillHadersNewWife · 08/12/2019 20:18

Just ignore them. My Nan had me secretly blessed as a Catholic or something....the priest came to her house in secret to do it because I hadn't been christened or anything....I remember it happening. My Mum wasn't bothered.

Original poster
Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 20:18

DH did indeed say "the fucking priest" and no, it is not the first time he has used that particular combination of words in reference to said man (priest is apparently an arse hole)

OP posts:
ChristmasCroissant · 08/12/2019 20:19

I think you would be unreasonable to change how you respond to your MIL because her thoughts haven't changed in line with what you'd hoped they would, OP. You are both entitled to your own opinions. You haven't changed your mind either!

As Soffy said, you don't believe her religion and she doesn't believe your ceremony. - it's just something you'll have to disagree on.

PepePig · 08/12/2019 20:20

I get where you're coming from. Tonnes of NI people get on like this and it's embarrassing. Stuck in the past with no ability to move with the times.

Just know that your marriage is real and your DH is a good one. Loads of boys from here are total mummy's boys so thank goodness he knows to tell her how it is! That's half the battle Grin. Just go LC and try to ignore them is all I can suggest.

Countryescape · 08/12/2019 20:20

Just tell them you don’t believe in cults. That should shut them up.

CatteStreet · 08/12/2019 20:23

Yy to ChristmasCroissant.

Am not disapproving of the phrase 'fucking priest' per se, just not sure it is productive for him to chuck it at his mother over lunch... This is definitely an 'agree to disagree' situation.

saraclara · 08/12/2019 20:29

They were brought up with a belief. Look at this another way. Despite having that belief, they've accepted you and your husband decision and relationship, and his toner brothers relationship and baby out of wedlock. Isn't that something you should admire them for, rather than punish them for a slip up?

I know that my father in law was gutted when my late husband and I got engaged. My in-laws were seventh day Adventists, and it was really important to my FIL that his son married within the religion. His brother was a pastor in the church, and I think he was also embarrassed. But the only reason I know about his feelings is from other parties. My FIL never once made me feel anything other than welcome in his home, a member of the family, and for all of his life, treated me with warmth and love.

I presume that at some point reasonably early on he came to terms with our marriage. But either way, I loved him for never letting me know how he had to wrestle with his feelings.

Your MIL didn't intend you to know either. She just slipped up when talking about someone else. Forgive her and move on. I imagine she's horrified at her slip.

Original poster
Blerdebler · 08/12/2019 20:30

Pepepig, ha, part of the reason I married DH is because he isn't a typical NI mummy's boy! That would be BIL Grin

I'm always really careful to be respectful of their religion and have happily gone to many christenings and the like, it just stings a bit that they aren't as equally respectful of my marriage and relationship because they basically think it isn't real. But yes, whatever, their beliefs and all that. Though it now seems like a one way street. Which has just got a bit narrower on my side!

OP posts:
saraclara · 08/12/2019 20:30

Toner= younger

Shesalittlemadam · 08/12/2019 20:36

@museumum What do you mean absolutely not possible? Anyone can divorce and remarry! Religion doesn't rank higher than the law

Aderyn19 · 08/12/2019 20:56

If they don't consider you married, you don't have to consider them family, which absolves you of any obligations you might ordinarily feel towards ILs going forward!

museumum · 08/12/2019 20:57

Not in the Catholic Church you can’t divorce and remarry. It’s impossible. A Catholic marriage is a sacrament from god, you can’t cancel it and a catholic priest will not remarry you.

But if you were married in a non religious ceremony then divorced many catholic priests will marry you after that as they don’t recognise the first marriage.

Obviously none of this applies in las but it absolutely applies to catholics in religion.

AnotherEmma · 08/12/2019 21:01

YABU because you need to stop caring what your MIL thinks. You really, really do. If she is generally polite and respectful towards you then I don't think this is a big deal. She is obviously wrong about your marriage not being a "real" marriage and it's frankly ridiculous. Who cares? Unless there are other major issues I would let this one go.

Boundaries and perspective are essential when it comes to in-laws (take it from someone who has dealt with in-laws who actually do hate me as opposed to just having weird views about marriage).

noodlenosefraggle · 08/12/2019 21:04

I'm Catholic and my DH is atheist. When we married in a civil ceremony, my mum said 'it was nice. Just like a real wedding'! We had a church blessing (which was awful) and she sends a card on that date but not our real anniversary. I ignore it because it doesn't bother me! Its completely irrelevant what she thinks or what the church thinks. The legal bit is done.

babypossum · 08/12/2019 21:07

My in-laws are atheist so when our ds was baptised in a Catholic church, they refused to go to the service. Their one and only grandson. My husband realised how important it was to me for the sake of my late mum and he suggested it.