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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

285 replies

micepies · 08/12/2019 14:07

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

OP posts:
Whichoneofyoudidthat · 09/12/2019 08:44

I find a ‘maybe later’ seems to be a satisfactory response.

Lyricallie · 09/12/2019 08:49

I have more issues with being forced food whilst I'm still eating. My future MIL is awful for it. We were eating lunch and I was finished and omg the guilt because I wouldn't eat a bit of something was horrendous. I kept being like no I'm full all smiley and eventually I just had to shut it down on the 4th or so time. She was so passive aggressive. Like "oh well I'll just have to throw it away then" cool crack on then.

Also doesn't help that their eating habits are very different to mine. I feel like they are continuously eating and it's always very unhealthy pastries and sweets a lot of the time. They have dessert with lunch and dinner which blows my mind. But I'll usually have a cup of tea etc.

Sunflowersok · 09/12/2019 08:49

Yep I’m with you on this. I have a colleague (fortunately she’s just left) who will offer you everything and won’t take no for an answer. Like she gets really upset about it if you refuse. I ended up getting a bit arsey with her in the end. She eventually started saying she ‘bought things for you’ and brought them in so you felt obliged to accept. I don’t want to be forced in to eating chocolate, cheese and candy cotton grapes that I didn’t want, no matter how kind the offer is!

BertrandRussell · 09/12/2019 08:50

There is always a whiff of “people who like food are shallow” in threads like this. “Don’t you understand that I sustain myself for weeks on the scene of a rose and anything as gross and corporeal as a chocolate hob nob would sully my soul” Grin

whyamidoingthis · 09/12/2019 08:50

You know that video the police released a few years ago about NOT forcing cups of tea on people

Yes. And the video was effective because people recognise that it is not normal for people to behave like this with a cup of tea.

Perhaps you should make a reverse cup of tea video for the people you visit, showing persistence in sexual behaviour, despite refusal, with the tagline of "You wouldn't do this with sex, why would you do it with a cup of tea?"

ShinyGiratina · 09/12/2019 09:34

I often struggle with drinks because I can't stand tea or coffee, have a dairy intolerance, and most peoples' soft drinks contain revolting and headache inducing artificial sweetners.

Just asking for water frequently brings on another onslaught of interrogation. Shock horror, some people actually drink the stuff that comes out of a tap, as it is! At this time of year, tap water is often too cold, and a request for half-hot, half-cold water seems to fuck with peoples' brains completely. (If I ask for hot, it takes too long to cool to a pleasant temperature)

So a simple "no thanks, I'm fine" is much less stressful than making oddball requests like water Confused

Guzzies · 09/12/2019 11:28

"@Guzzies - Twice is enough all round for politeness' sake, in Ireland or England

Not in Ireland, it isn't. In Ireland you refuse twice and accept on the third offering:

Would you like a cup of tea? Ah no, you're grand."

But I AM Irish @whyamidoingthis!!

Perhaps it is different backgrounds - my folk are Irish city dwellers. 3+ offers is

whyamidoingthis · 09/12/2019 11:43

@Guzzies - I did say at the end "it's not as strict any more, particularly in the cities"

Also, people living abroad (I'm assuming you're in the UK as you refer to "my folk", rather than "I") are likely to adapt to the local customs.

Guzzies · 09/12/2019 12:54

@whyamidoingthis you did say that, its true.Wink

No, we are all still in Ireland, but honestly, some Irish people DO exist that find more than two "are you sure you won't have a...." requests OTT! Grin

Drizzzle · 09/12/2019 13:01

In some cultures you would be very rude to have just a glass of water!

Bluesheep8 · 09/12/2019 13:25

DramaAlpaca

I'd strongly advise you never to come to Ireland then

Brilliant! I was thinking the same thing myself Grin

joyfullittlehippo · 09/12/2019 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolitaryGrape · 09/12/2019 14:31

If someone says “I’m allergic to coffee but would love a glass of water” that’s a clear no to further offers of coffee.

It's a clear no to coffee, but not to associated offers intended to 'take the mean look off' a visitor sitting with a glass of water 'What about tea? Are you sure? Or I've hot chocolate? Cocoa? Ovaltine? What about this cappuccino in a sachet are you sure you're definitely allergic to that, too? Water looks fierce mean -- what about a Coke? Fanta? Orange juice? A smoothie? Or, if you really won't have anything but water, what about something with it? A biscuit? Some fruitcake? A scone? A yoghurt? A bar of chocolate? A sandwich?'

This is my mother, and my aunt, both born in rural Ireland in the 40s, but longterm city-dwellers.

And if you, say, eventually wearily agreed to a scone, you would be presented with a plate with at least two giant scones, already covered in jam and cream, because 'one looks mean'.

My mother also has form for offering things she thinks the visitor might expect but which she doesn't actually have in the house, and disappearing into the kitchen to either knock up a batch of scones from scratch and/or sending a child to the shop to buy some approximation of whatever it is she's offered some unsuspecting visitor. Who probably only wanted a glass of water... Angry

In Ireland you refuse twice and accept on the third offering

My mother would regard this as incredibly precipitate, the equivalent of someone literally snatching something out of the hand of the offerer. Grin

It is absolutely exhausting to be around. And we have never been able to train her out of it. I have been telling my mother for a good thirty years that I prefer a cup of tea by itself I don't like it with food but she still thinks it 'looks mean' and can't prevent herself from trying to press food I do not want on me.

Whattodoabout · 09/12/2019 14:50

My Gran is like this. I visited her once after I’d just finished lunch and told her as much but she kept insisting on me eating cheese toasties. She does make nice cheese toasties tbf but I was full, she’s a very hard woman to say no to.

shumway · 09/12/2019 14:54

Usually there's threads with people visiting inlaws over Christmas and complaining they've been left starving. Can't win.

SteelRiver · 09/12/2019 15:00

I'm with you, OP. It can get very awkward at times. I don't drink tea or coffee so I just politely say no, thanks. I don't want to explain it, as people more often than not start exclaiming 'what, no tea or coffee, ever?' and generally look at me like I'm crazy.

If I offer guests something and they politely refuse I just accept that and ask them to let me know if they want something later.

DanceItOut · 09/12/2019 17:38

I'm with you. As someone who has always struggled with weight I try to be quite strict and say no only to be repeatedly offered things with the phrase "one won't hurt" which I agree one won't. But when one is offered by everyone you visit especially this time of year it all adds up. Why can't people just accept a polite no thank you?

Twofingers · 09/12/2019 18:35

Nobody could leave my mother’s house without a round of sandwiches and a piece of cake, not even the postman.

namynom · 09/12/2019 18:37

@shumway but those are threads made by different people with different relatives. There is a happy medium of actually just listening to what your guests want and respecting their choices, rather than thinking you know better about what they should be eating/drinking.

WhoisitnowRalph · 09/12/2019 18:51

I haven't RTFT but my late stepfather did this, and so does my DH. Its annoying not because I necessarily think it's rude to continually push food/drink onto people who have said no, but because it interferes with normal conversation.

I'll be having a nice chat with my brother or telling an aunt a story or marvelling at something dreadful one of my stepsons has done or relaying something fascinating to a friend, but we are constantly bloody interrupted.

Does anyone want another drink? Do you want lemonade instead? I can go and get you some? Does anyone want more gravy? Everyone all right for brussel sprouts? Roast potato anyone? More wine? Is anyone too warm? Cup of tea? Can I get you anything else? Have another Yorkshire pudding. Does anyone need more green beans?

None can ever finish a fucking sentence and all conversations dry up because the endless interrupting ruins people's train of thought. Just shut up and let people socialise.

Nearly47 · 09/12/2019 18:56

Never had an issue with friends my own age. We talk, they offer me drink /food and I so thanks, second time with a reason why I am declining. They might offer again or offer something different. I might change my mind and accept it. No problems. We communicate.
Had some issues with older relatives. My gran would put food on my plate without asking ( apparently I was too skinny) but never made me angry and they never got angry at me either. It was like a dance we both new the steps. It seems you are out of sinc with your friends...

Shinyletsbebadguys · 09/12/2019 19:00

I can see both sides of it to be honest.

We are Welsh and frankly offering food is not that dissimilar to the Irish in the part of Wales we are from. However not quite so insistent but the cultural tendency is to try and feed.

Saying that I've worked really hard to lose weight , I'm just off 7 stone lost , and of course people would offer food constantly. I did always try and make it clear I want refusing to play the passive aggressive game and make a joke out of it that it was me not them.

I recognise it wasn't great but that goal was really important to me and very much my health. If you think of it going to three peoples houses a day and having a biscuit every time adds up. I'm honestly not obsessive but I also dont agree that I should have to eat to "be polite".

I would of course accept a coffee etc (it probably helps I am a big caffeine addict ).

Ultimately it needs to be about some level of respect. I do think hosts who take offence to someone being upfront and saying honestly I dont want any food thanks , that's about them being selfish. However the visitor should really accept at least a tea or coffee etc (or whatever you drink even water ) to show willing.

joyfullittlehippo · 09/12/2019 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosebel · 09/12/2019 19:11

My BIL is a lovely person but dread visiting. He'll offer me coffee about 6 times an hour despite me telling him countless times I don't drink coffee. I usually just ask for a glass of water. Still get offered coffee though.
I have a huge Irish family and with them it's easier to accept something as they seen to feel guilty if you don't eat and drink constantly

bellocchild · 09/12/2019 19:27

It's hard saying no. I have a very good friend who actively avoids meeting in coffee shops, and always invites a fee friends round to hers instead, for coffee. Then she goes into Bake-off mode and presses us to eat large quantities of carbohydrate-heavy delicacies, almost a whole meal. We know she has spent time and effort on this largesse, and it seems unpardonably ungrateful to refuse, although we really don't want that much food at that time of day. Invariably, all present accept something and eat enough not to be rude...it seems better than hurting someone's feelings. We've tried saying 'don't go to any trouble' but she obviously likes doing it...