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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

285 replies

micepies · 08/12/2019 14:07

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

OP posts:
namynom · 10/12/2019 03:03

This thread is so annoying, so many posters deliberately misunderstanding the point of the thread just so they can have a go at the OP

Not one person has said it's offensive to offer people food and drink.

Most people have agreed that it's actually okay to ask two or three times and then ask again if they stay a while in case anyone's changed their mind. You might even ask quickly 2 or 3 times again at this point if they've been there a while. This is all fine and normal, I do this in my own home. It takes up about 10 seconds of the conversation.

The stress and exhaustion of it all comes in when the host literally will not let up and as PPs have said disrupts the conversation so much that nobody is allowed to sit and have a chat.

PPs saying people are exaggerating and you can't imagine someone offering that much, that's fine you obviously don't know anyone like this and are very lucky you don't have to deal with it once/twice a week. But if you have never experienced it then why are you having a go at people who have that want to complain about it?

It's just wilfully taking things out of context and like a PP said it isn't rocket science, just be a normal person! When your friends or family come round offer them whatever you have and then let them decide whether they want it or not. Just because they're in your house doesn't mean you are now in control of their choices.

Knucklehead101 · 10/12/2019 04:07

Welp! It’s definitely the hermit life for me. Human beings are confusing 😢

OhTheRoses · 10/12/2019 04:37

All this business of offering three times because it's rude for a guest to accept the first time and it's cultural.

I live in England and was brought up in England. It is perfectly normal to offer a cup of tea or another drink. If the visitor doesn't want it, it is perfectly normal to accept that. No simply means no. If the visitor really wanted a cup of tea they could say yes.

Keep life simple and stop playing games.

My house:

Hello Friend would you like a cup of tea.
No thanks
OK

Mother's house
Hello OhThe do you want a cup of tea.
No it's ok mum I'm not thirsty
Oh a coffee then, no thanks mum I'm not thirsty
I'm putting the kettle on
Oh ok mum, you have a cup of tea
I've made a pot aare you sure you don't want one
No thanks mum, and look at the time I'll be awake all night
I've some biscuits, have one - lovely with a cup of tea
Mum, what did I say about not wanting tea
Oh stop being a misery OhThe I'm only being sociable.

Er no mother, actually you are not. You are being controlling because you cannot respect that I don't want a cup of fucking tea and even if I did I'm not playing.

TriangularRatbag · 10/12/2019 12:43

If I want a cup of tea I say yes when asked, rather than going through some choreographed rigmarole of refusal that I wasn't even aware was expected. Am I causing terrible outrage? Do they all gasp inwardly and bitch about me when I'm gone? "The rude grasping baggage! The greed of the woman! The cheek of her!"

I've occasionally even proactively suggested I'd like a cup of tea, or could I have coffee instead. It's amazing I've never been thrown out into the street for my appalling faux pas!

FelicisNox · 10/12/2019 13:08

It's a bit annoying but nothing more than that.

To some people it's rude not to keep offering (in case of a change of mind).

You are not the overriding authority on what is and isn't good manners, it's a mixture of personal preference and upbringing.

Nimmykins · 10/12/2019 13:18

I have this with MIL and SIL. I’m perfectly satisfied but they insist on offering me more.

I’m very overweight and know when to stop. I know they think they’re being lovely but when I’ve said “no thanks” and then have a packet of biscuits opened and placed in front of me then it is upsetting.

lindsayincroydon · 10/12/2019 14:13

Poor you ! Yes, it is very irritating.

Also, a lot of my friends simply refuse to accept that I am vegetarian.

They say Oh just try a plate of this stew/ meat sandwich/ tuna bake/ sausage roll (etc), it is so delicious.

I take a little bottle of soya milk with me, and anyone would think it is poison when I get it out for a cup of tea.

I wonder why some people, especially older folk, cannot accept other people's (polite) choices ?

NaturalDisasters · 10/12/2019 14:49

I have an English SIL and she's lovely but is looked on as a bit of an oddball because (1) she'll refuse tea/coffee quite rudely if offered more than once per visit and (2) when visiting hers, if she offers "a cup of tea" then thats literally what you get. No biscuit or cake on the side. She has brought home to me the differences between Irish and English hospitality!

Irish here, but live in England, and I far prefer the 'just a cup of tea' approach, because it's a real relief to be able to accept a cup of tea knowing you're not about to have a slew of food pressed upon you, or that if someone offers you a biscuit, they won't be mortally offended if you don't want it.

I remember when my elderly grandfather came over from Ireland years ago to visit his sister, who'd lived in England her whole adult life. She brought him a cup of tea in bed one morning breakfast would have been following within an hour or so and he was so horrified by the look of the cup of tea by itself that he assumed she'd made some terrible faux pas, and thought he was doing her a favour by reminding her that she'd left off the biscuit or slice of bread he thought should have naturally come with it. She of course thought he was being a savage to want a pre-breakfast snack at 7 am. Grin

joyfullittlehippo · 10/12/2019 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angelfacecuti75 · 10/12/2019 18:25

No think they are just trying to make you feel welcome ...

Butterisbest · 10/12/2019 18:43

No think they are just trying to make you feel welcome...
You'd make a guest welcome by taking absolutely no notice of their polite refusal.
You think that trying to force food and drink onto a guest is welcoming.
You'd treat a guest like an imbecile that doesn't know their own mind, and you think that is how to welcome someone

OJZJ · 10/12/2019 20:47

I am an anxious person and get nervous even with close friends so in your eyes, i may be annoying and constantly offering but it's as a distraction or something to do with my hands etc also as a p.p has someone may say no out of politeness but be hungry or thirsty. Or you may only intend stopping five mins get nattering and stop....

Nimmykins · 10/12/2019 21:23

Ahh yes @lindsayincroydon I’m vegan and family and in-laws don’t get it. Veggie since 1987. Vegan four years after I developed lactose intolerance. Everything I don’t bring has dairy on it.

Itsonlymonday · 10/12/2019 21:32

Nope not annoying at all. In some cultures is the norm. When my parents first visited my in laws they were asked if they wanted to have wine. They replied no out of politeness (as in my culture that's what you do to start with but you'll get asked again) and they were shocked when nobody asked them again if they wanted wine even when my in-laws were drinking wine themselves. 😂

PeachyPeachTrees · 11/12/2019 22:40

YANBU OP!
It is nice to be offered. I say yes to tea/coffee.
I politely say no thank you to any cake, biscuits, pastries etc. Why is it so hard to accept that I just don't want it. "oh but I baked it especially this morning" sad face. If I go to a coffee morning at a friend's house it is so great to not be made to eat food I don't want. My friend (another culture) said "eat it, it will make you happy". Actually, having great conversation and a few laughs is what will genuinely lift my mood!

Regardingtheduck · 20/01/2022 20:57

It's just so boring, having someone ask if you want food after you refuse is imo the most innane type of smalltalk.

"Have some lunch!:
"No thanks I've just eaten - you carry on. I'll have some tea though.:
"Oh do try the vegetable dish!"
No thanks, I'm full....so how was your day?"
"What about just a tiny bit of the pie? Look I've got you a plate...."
"No really, I don't want to eat now. Did you go to x then?
"Here we go just a smidgeon...."

What on earth is happening ?!
They insist and insist....its just so dull. What a dull way to spend time ...not why I visited.
Next time I'm going to say:
" No really I've eaten and don't want anything but I'll take £20!!"
Maybe that will stop the broken record.

Amoozbooze · 20/01/2022 22:25

I feel like you are making a mountain out of a mole hill! Just accept take something, glass of water or whatever, you don't even have to finish it it. Your host clearly feels obliged to serve you something. Why won't you take it, what is your problem? Have a glass of water and be done with it! Maybe you could even squeeze in a hobnob just to let them have the pleasure!

OhWhyNot · 20/01/2022 22:43

My Asian family would think they had down something wrong

My English nanny would have felt the same too and been disappointed she loved to make a fuss of people

It’s done out of kindness

Regardingtheduck · 20/01/2022 22:47

Yeah...I also have a.suspicion it's about control rather than a display of affection....food is cheap and most of us are fat. Its not like its a £10 pound note they are offering.

Thirtytimesround · 20/01/2022 23:08

In Ireland it’s very polite to offer food and drinks over and over again. There are often jokes about it on sitcoms eg Father Ter.

In England it is very rude not to take the first ‘no’ as final.

🤷‍♀️

Drives me crazy so yanbu but magbe there is a cultural thingy here

ShmeevilWeevil · 20/01/2022 23:50

HRTFT but
Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on Go on

ddl1 · 21/01/2022 00:00

I don't mind even frequently repeated offers, so long as they're friendly; but I can't take it if people get upset or offended at my not eating everything that's offered. I have Crohns, and though it's under good control nowadays, there are some things that I can't eat. I haven't had big problems recently; but when I was much younger and had more restrictions, some people would accuse me of being rude/fussy/spoilt/suspecting them of 'trying to poison me'/ etc., and it really damaged my confidence. My mother was somewhat lactose intolerant and when she was a young adult she stayed with a couple who constantly nagged her to drink milk as it was Good For Her. Finally she was worn down by the pressure and drank the glass of milk and it wasn't good for her, and it also wasn't good for her hosts' carpet!

hibbledibble · 21/01/2022 00:17

Aggressive feeding of guests is the norm in many cultures. It causes offence to refuse.

This thread shows a lot of insensitivity to other cultural norms.

5foot5 · 21/01/2022 00:18

@Regardingtheduck

Why why why why why have you resurrected a teo year old ZOMBIE thread!

Dreamstate · 21/01/2022 00:41

I'm with you OP, I find it really disrespectful that they can take a polite refusal of no I'm fine thanks.

My dad is the worst he will literally force any man who visits to have a beer or two or three ..just so he can drink. And even if they say no several times he will keep at it. It infuriates me actually when I'm there to see it. Its like the guy said no stop forcing them.

My mum did the same throughout mt childhood to me here have another nan bread its okay mea while I'm getting overweight from too much food. Even as a adult if my sister and her only have say one, she will always tell me no have another yet she won't ever eat that amount of food she tried to force on me. I find it really stressful esp when I'm trying to lose weight and she even then comments and tells me to lose weight whilst telling me to eat more.

Urgh!!!! Screw cultural norms just bwcuase back in the day thats how it is...I think the whole thing is stupid pretending ro be polite when I asked first and then say yes. Just say yes the first time!