To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

[micepies]

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

I find if you just say no, they don't believe you and keep offering. But if you give a reason "no thanks, i just ate, I'm so full, no honestly i would feel sick if i ate anything" that will stop them!

Definitely cultural. Perfectly normal amongst my family and inlaws to offer a slice of cake or biscuits etc. With s cup of tea. Never occurred to me that someone would be offended???

Very annoying!

After three times it's usually better to accept the cup of tea or whatever's being offered and just not to drink it.

Drama is right and not taking the piss at all. I have warned all my friends coming to someone’s house in Leland to accept at least a drink or run the risk of been seen as very stuck up particularly when they are English.

When I visit family in Bangladesh everyone is asked at least 3 times. It is considered polite to refuse a few times before accepting.

Seems very European to not accept offers of food. You go to the poorest countries and they will offer you what little food they have. You sound very ungrateful. it costs you noting to be gracious and accept.

It annoys me more when they try to constantly overfeed my kids with cakes biscuits, sweets. I had to fend off sweets getting stuffed in my pockets and cakes for later. I literally just let the kids have a pack of sweets and a pack to take home from this person, it's like it's never enough. I don't get why people can't except a no thanks or no more thanks!

This is new to me 👀 all my friends and, of course family, are from cultures where we feast at get togethers even just visits (usually tea, drinks, snacks.) West Indian, Asian, Turkish etc.

Sorry, I've NRTFT but just wanted to say you're not alone. I have a MIL, who I genuinely love, but her insistence on forcing food on me has caused me a great deal of stress over the years, even once to the point of tears (in private, in the loo!) where I ended up avoiding visiting her for a good few weeks afterwards.

I'm a small petite person, genetically. Mother and father both small people with small appetites. I am the same. I can't eat a lot. It makes me feel very ill. I don't do breakfast, rarely bother with lunch, small snacks and one modest meal at dinner time is all I need. I rarely do desserts. I also have awful IBS. Over-filling has me doubled over with spasms.

MIL knows all this.

At times she has left everyone alone on the food-harassing EXCEPT ME. On one occasion she even got it into a stomping mood because I refused to eat a 5 peoples indian takeaway leftovers from the night before AS WELL AS a totally fresh full dinner of quiche, chips and salad she'd just cooked that evening. Nobody else was expected to eat all that... just me. She insisted I had said I wanted to eat all that. I would NEVER have said that.

I've no idea if she behaves like this with me because it's a jealousy thing, as she's always been overweight and I've always been slim (not a brag btw, I still have a mum tum, cellulite and stretch marks like anyone else, I'm just small with it) or if she see's my refusals to eat until I'm sick as an insult towards her?

Either way, she has a bee in her bonnet about my lack of food consumption and its made me really dislike her at times. It almost feels abusive.

YANBU

Its polite to offer, but it's not nice to continue pressuring someone into eating when they don't want to.

It's about fucking boundaries, do some people on this thread seriously not get this point.
If it's said politely, no thanks, I'm full, no, it's ok, no I'm not really hungry, aw that's very kind but I just ate, no we're just going out for dinner.
NO means NO.
I'm reminded of a very long running poster, her husband used to guilt trip her into overeating.
She finally managed to get away from him. Red, ring any bells for posters.
Op, it definitely not polite and borderline abusive for people to keep force feeding you. It's all about them not you.

TBH I think it's a bit rude to refuse a cup of tea if you go round to someone's house, especially if you ALWAYS refuse it. If you say no and then stay a while, it's natural and polite for the host to offer again. I'd say it's also polite to have a bit of an "ooh go on" if you're offering something as often people do refuse the first time out of politeness. Obviously pressuring someone to eat is rude though!

@EmmiJay
It helps if you read the thread, it's about forcing people to eat.

Yes the thread is about forcing people to eat, but in some cultures/families it's very rude to refuse to eat. If you know you will be offered food/snacks at someone's house make sure you are a bit hungry before you arrive! Eating and drinking together is often about sharing community and being hospitable.

Drizzzle
Yes the thread is about forcing people to eat, but in some cultures/families it's very rude to refuse to eat
Ok so it's better for a guest to be force fed than be made to feel comfortable. Just make them eat, no matter what the guest wants.The hosts feelings are more important than their guests, it's better that the guests are force fed and should be shamed and vilified by not eating. It's all ok then as long as the host has forced their guests to eat, even if they didn't want to.

YNBU. We need to be a more honest, up front society without these food mind games! No means no, if you actually want to eat the cakes then say it, if you only want a small bit take a small bit. Life would be much more simpler.

Good grief ! Thank fuck I don’t get visitors that often I’d never cope with the strain of thinking I’d offended them with the offer of too much/little food.

Bloody hell - you sound hard work.

knucklehead101
If you bothered to read the thread you should have noticed it's not the being offered that the problem. It's the complete refusal of the hosts to take no thanks for an answer.

Toomuchtrouble4me
Why does someone saying no to you make them hard work?

My partner and in-laws do this. I feel backed into a corner with "are you sure?" Every 5 seconds.
Partner isn't so bad anymore but when ever we visit the in-laws they don't ever accept the first no thank you.
Initially thought it was a nervous/habbit thing but after getting to know them it's more a eating disorder deflection/ by proxy thing...
... they offer me a biscuit like some sort of dog and do not leave off the subject for a good few minutes "are you sure?" "Are you I'll?" "Do you want something else instead?"
A short time later "if I get X, do you want some too?" "Not like you to refuse desert/a snack?" Sometimes I say no thank you so many times I forget my trail of thought.
Weirdos.

'You sound very ungrateful. it costs you noting to be gracious and accept.'

It can cost you a LOT, if you have health problems that prevent you eating certain things. Before my Crohns was under control, eating something that didn't agree with me could mean my being really ill for a couple of days at least. My mother was physically sick all over the carpet when forced to drink milk, to which she had an intolerance. Someone with type 1 diabetes or a serious food allergy could quite easily end up in hospital.

Even without a specific health problem, being forced to eat when already full can be quite unpleasant. And the people we're talking about will often not stop at one offer; they will press and press, more and more.

'Ungrateful': While one should be grateful that someone is offering food, one has no obligation to be grateful to people for DEMANDING that you eat it, and refusing to take no for an answer. The people to whom I'm most grateful are those who take my word for it, when I say I do or do not want something.

And beyond the physical aspects of being pressurized to eat against one's will, or more than one wants, it is quite offensive to suggest that someone else does not know their own mind, or is being insincere about what they want to eat, especially if the people know each other well. I don't 'play games' and I don't like being accused by implication of doing so.

'Yes the thread is about forcing people to eat, but in some cultures/families it's very rude to refuse to eat'

Well, it shouldn't be. And I'm normally someone who strongly supports cultural diversity; but it doesn't excuse forcing people to eat. Waste - asking for food and then not eating it - could be considered as rude; so could accepting an invitation to a meal and then not eating anything (unless one was feeling ill). But making it clear from the beginning that one isn't hungry, or only wants a small amount, should be accepted.

'Good grief ! Thank fuck I don’t get visitors that often I’d never cope with the strain of thinking I’d offended them with the offer of too much/little food.'

Nobody sane would get offended over what someone does or doesn't OFFER them. It's the constant pressurizing and not accepting their refusal that can be upsetting to people. I think one of the PP stated what really is the problem: that for some people food = love. Food is food; it is not love. Accepting other people's wishes is love.

Another Irish person here, I have an English SIL and she's lovely but is looked on as a bit of an oddball because (1) she'll refuse tea/coffee quite rudely if offered more than once per visit and (2) when visiting hers, if she offers "a cup of tea" then thats literally what you get. No biscuit or cake on the side. She has brought home to me the differences between Irish and English hospitality!