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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

285 replies

micepies · 08/12/2019 14:07

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

OP posts:
DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 08/12/2019 20:27

My mum was from the NE and lived in terror if someone leaving her front door not stuffed to the gills with a care package of cake

Ah! The care package - North East here, too.

Never got out of mother's house without cake, biscuits, bacon, a chicken, a dozen eggs, a lobster, half a salmon, or at least a bag of fresh tripe* for the dogs . . .

*stank to high heaven

Butterisbest · 08/12/2019 20:27

Reminds me of the geese being force fed for fois gras.
I'm not going to link because it's very upsetting, google it for yourselves.
Personally I think that people that try and force feed others are not nice people.

chrisski33 · 08/12/2019 20:28

Just say no thank you and not have it! No big deal or dramas!

SolitaryGrape · 08/12/2019 20:31

Gosh, @chrisski33, if only everyone on the thread had thought of that brilliant plan. Hmm

B0bbin · 08/12/2019 20:34

Makes me think of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted: "Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!"

Marmite27 · 08/12/2019 20:34

Ah go on....

24hourshomeedderandcarer · 08/12/2019 20:47

im teetotal and always have been,not one drop of any alcohol has ever passed my lips ,im also welsh valleys and welsh people like to drink and people just cant get their heads around it.

ive had oh you turned teetotal then?but when i say no ive never wanted to drink because of certain reasons and never touched a drop i get oh your religious then?no im a atheist actually.it blows their minds

the amount of times ive tried to be talked into having just the one or a sip is in the triple figures,ive even had a few get offended when i keep turning it down

i also dont drink tea or coffee and after saying no once and explaining you still get people asking.
i said no on your first offering do you think im going to change my mine on your bloody 3 or 4th time
if never refused food though only if i don't like it

Allfednonedead · 08/12/2019 21:36

About the Irish repeated offering, I think a lot of people are slightly missing the point. It’s actually polite in Ireland to say ‘no’ repeatedly, to make sure the host has an opportunity to offer (out of hospitality) but then not go hungry if the guest unwittingly eats the last food in the house. The problem is that this leads to this battle of attrition, where repeated refusals are met with repeated offers.
We have a family story about very well-brought-up Irish children visiting English family. When offered some home made treat, they politely say no, and the hostess puts it away, offended that her effort is unappreciated.
And the hungry children burst into tears.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/12/2019 21:53

Mil used to make me feel really uncomfortable when we visited on a Sunday mid morning. She would almost look angry if I didn’t accept a chocolate biscuit with my cup of tea. “Why not?!” Etc Etc. So I used to take one and feel sick eating it because usually we’d had a lie in and only just eaten breakfast. So I just didn’t want any snack at all, and just said “no thanks, I’m not hungry.” Which didn’t seem to be a good enough reason. Eventually I thought “this is ridiculous situation” and I started to explain in boring over the top detail about what time i’d Got up, exactly what I’d had for breakfast etc etc. And then say “so THAT’S why I don’t feel like a biscuit now, thanks”. Took a while to get the message and these days I just start laughing if she ignores my “no, thanks”, so I don’t stress anymore.

The thing is, they tend to have fairly small main meals and so are hungry for snacks between meals. In our house we eat larger portions for main meals and don’t snack between them. The kids are like this too. I rarely want a biscuit with a cup of tea, and if I’m on holiday in Cornwall or somehere an afternoon cream tea would mean I wouldn’t be hungry for my evening meal until 9pm.

Jarw · 08/12/2019 22:22

If asked once I don't find it annoying, as I see that as polite. I do the same if someone comes to visit mine, I offer them tea, coffee biscuits etc if they decline I don't offer again unless it's been a good few hours since asking. if the person keeps repeating themselves over and over again when I visit, I tend to get slightly irritated but I know they mean well so I just get on with it.

SolitaryGrape · 08/12/2019 22:36

@Allfednonedead, I did say a version of this above. And yes, every Irish person schooled to multiple polite refusals in the expectation it will keep being offered has their own story of first contact with a more direct culture.

One of my friends went to France as an au pair aged 17 and politely refused dessert on her first few nights. Not only was it not offered again after the first refusal, but, to her horror — she was someone who loved sweet foods — the family assumed from several days of refusal that she simply didn’t like desserts, and stopped offering it at all. Which she regarded as absolutely outrageous. Grin

TakeMe2Insanity · 08/12/2019 22:50

In some cultures it is considered rude to accept the first refusal and indeed it is also considered rude to accept the first time round! The world is strange.

Episcomama · 08/12/2019 23:02

Do you have comprehension skills, can you read. Do you understand that not everyone feels the same as you?

Yes to all of the above. I still think OP is a mardy pain in the arse by her attitude towards other people's hospitality.

boatybook · 08/12/2019 23:04

Tbh I would say, barring some health issues, it's rude to go to someone's house for anything more than an hour and not accept at least a tea or coffee.

That being said you could solve the issue by just meeting up somewhere different.

joyfullittlehippo · 09/12/2019 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allfednonedead · 09/12/2019 03:35

@SolitaryGrape sorry, I missed your post.

Your poor friend!

NearlyOutedMyself · 09/12/2019 05:28

I had an ex-boyfriend who had lovely grandparents but they seemed to think that if they let us leave their house without thrusting the biscuit tin at us several times, we'd keel over on the pavement for lack of substance. Even if we stated that we were going out to eat/had just eaten. It's just kindness and they were probably a bit lonely.

NearlyOutedMyself · 09/12/2019 05:29

One of my friends went to France as an au pair aged 17 and politely refused dessert on her first few nights. Not only was it not offered again after the first refusal, but, to her horror — she was someone who loved sweet foods — the family assumed from several days of refusal that she simply didn’t like desserts, and stopped offering it at all.

This is the other danger!

anxioussue · 09/12/2019 05:31

I don't like it because I say no as I'm not deserving of their kindness

BouleBaker · 09/12/2019 05:59

I offer two or three times and then take a no to be a genuine no. If they are playing some fucked up game where I have to repeatedly and forcefully offer them food and drink before they admit they are thirsty or peckish then they can sod off. Life is really too short for that kind of crap.

Original poster
micepies · 09/12/2019 07:50

I’m not normally remotely mardy.

IME though this is something people enjoy and that’s why they explain it as important because ‘I’m Irish’ and ‘I’m from the middle east’ and that oh so hilarious Mrs Doyle clip.

OP posts:
whyamidoingthis · 09/12/2019 08:06

IME though this is something people enjoy and that’s why they explain it as important because ‘I’m Irish’ and ‘I’m from the middle east’ and that oh so hilarious Mrs Doyle clip

That's a very sweeping, dismissive statement. Different cultures work differently. Just because you don't understand/appreciate them, doesn't make them wrong.

In Ireland, I assume the "offer 3 times approach" came about due to poverty, a poverty that existed primarily due to British colonialism whereby the locals had their land stolen, were forced to divide inheritance between all sons and were banned from education. They could save face and offer, knowing that it would be refused. If they were in a position to actually provide hospitality, then they repeated the offer. This is obviously not the case any more but the cultural memory and norms live on.

Original poster
micepies · 09/12/2019 08:09

I could cope with being offered 3 times Smile

Do you want a drink?
No thanks, I’ve just had one!
Are you sure - cup of tea?
No honestly, just had a drink.
Coffee?
Oh no thanks, I’d be up all night!
Are you sure, I have decaf.
No honestly it’s fine ...
It’s no trouble
No really.
How about a hot chocolate then?
No I’ve just had a drink thanks
Can I get you a cold drink then? I’ve got coke
Oh no thanks, not a big fan of sugary drinks
Water?
No, really
I’ve got fresh orange juice
Really, I’m not thirsty, I’ve just had a drink
Well I’m having one, it’s no trouble

Can you honestly not see how that gets exhausting and stressful, whether the offerer is Irish, Icelandic or Iranian?

OP posts:
whyamidoingthis · 09/12/2019 08:41

I've never encountered that level of persistence. You are either exaggerating for effect or you visit some very strange people.

Original poster
micepies · 09/12/2019 08:42

You know that video the police released a few years ago about NOT forcing cups of tea on people

OP posts: