To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

[micepies]

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

Yabu. It’s worse to be offered nothing.

'I won’t visit friends due to this

I would never visit my nan if I had this view. Poor woman thinks I never eat.

Forgot to add after my constant no thanks daily she has often stuck food on my desk anyway! It really gives me serious rage.

I never say no to a biscuit and a cup of tea, but my God my MIL will not stop going on about food and whether or not I've eaten and offering me a million things when I've said no or already eaten. She does it to my parents too and I think they find it quite patronising as she'll often say things like 'but you've hardly eaten anything' or 'you must be starving though'. I mean, they're almost 70 so I'm sure they know how much they want to eat by now.

I think for some people it's about looking like a good host but it does get over-bearing.

Christ, people having a strop about people being too kind.
For me this isn't a strop about people being too kind, it's about a host completely ignoring a guest, it's extremely rude. A host that decides their guest doesn't know their own mind. A host who keeps pushing and attempting to force food and drink on a guest.

It’s not “kind” to push food/drink when people decline, it’s the opposite.

It annoys me. Then they get pissed off because you don't want to try this amazing thing. Even when they bring it to you and it just sits there uneaten/undrunk.
But everyone loves .....

When I started to look closer at those people I noticed other things they would try and push onto me. To try and control me beyond my appetite and thirst. Now they are either no longer involved in my life or have gotten the message that no is no.

I'm not some skinny arsed person with an eating disorder. I just don't everything you do. My hunger doesn't work at set times

And the ones who are in my life, we don't wait to be asked if we want a cuppa, we ask who wants one. If I can trust my mates to mind, my babies, whilst I have a bath, go to the toilet etc, then I can trust them in the kitchen. So no-one here has to sit for any length of time feeling uncomfortable and thirsty.

I used to have this when I visited ils.

The thing is I am fat and in mils eyes that means I like biscuits and cakes. She would offer me biscuits and cakes every 5 minutes.

Won’t be told I don’t eat them. I don’t like them.
Used to try and feed me up.
Piled my plate high then when I can’t finish it. (I don’t eat a great deal) gets upset at the waste.

I stopped visiting her years ago

I'm British and I'm with you in this. My DH isn't British and he works by the rule "keep asking until they say yes. If they keep saying "no", give it to them anyway". It winds me up no end. It's a culture thing for him - where he comes from, it's the norm to say "no, thank you" even when you mean "yes please". It's bloody hard work and I refuse to pander any more.

His cousins came to visit a month ago and he tried that - I explained that I'll offer twice and leave it. I DO want them to have another biscuit etc but if they say no, I'll leave it. Mind you, in his culture it's rude if you DON'T force extra food etc onto people.

Can people please explain what they consider rude and what is acceptable?
Offer on arrival and recheck half an hour later or do you all still consider this rude? I'm at a loss.

Ah cheer up OP, maybe your friend will cop on to your shitey attitude towards their hospitality and stop inviting you round at all!

Is there a reason that you wont accept a cup of tea or coffee so that the person you are visiting can feel a tiny bit hospitable?

Ah, with @Lunde’s comment we’re getting to the heart of it. It’s nothing to do with the guest’s hunger/thirst etc, it’s about the host’s ‘needs’.

I’m just thinking of Mrs Doyle.....

I loved my Irish MIL. I was up a ladder, wallpapering her living room at 9.30am one Sunday morning. When I'd turned down a glass of port for the fifth time, she changed tack and asked if I'd rather have a sherry.

She's much missed.

Yes people should respect a no thank you. There's something about wanting to be a host(ess) though and wanting to feed people is part of that. However, it's completely ridiculous to get offended because people won't eat something. MIL used to be like that, she'd ask you a million times if you wanted a piece of cake or biscuit.

I get that sometimes people have bought something especially for someone's visit and don't want it to go to waste but far better eg to buy individual portions that can be saved rather than one big cake in that case.

all the people i know who are annoyed by a polite offer of a biscuit, cup of tea or sandwich are extremely underweight women with issues around food, who constantly restrict their intake

Nope, we just know we're about to eat a big dinner and don't want to spoil our appetite. Or we've just had a big dinner and don't have any room left! I do not restrict my intake unreasonably, I eat more than most people I know.

Ha! As soon as I saw this thread I thought of Ireland.

One of DH's friends pretty much foists a three-course meal on you, regardless what time of day it is, and whether or not you have said yes to the offer of food. She is just being hospitable, and I couldn't imagine getting worked up about it, or considering it "not polite". I think it's a caring gesture.

Has nobody mentioned "constant offers of tea" being used in that video to teach children about consent?

I do think this issue is symptomatic of something bigger, which is often ranted about on MN: that many of us are socialised to be "nice"; never to refuse offers of food and drink, never to complain, never to stand up for ourselves, never to say something that might rock the boat, or be inconvenient for our hosts: so many of us won't assert ourselves, won't say what we mean, agree to things that we shouldn't agree to, and so on. Pushy sales people chuggers know this, and try to use it to their advantage. Is there a reason that chuggers are so successful that charities keep employing them, even though most people on the internet loathe them?

Perhaps I have strong views on this because as a child and a young adult, I was a total pushover, and was always agreeing to things, simply because I was afraid of being told off for being "rude" if I tried to fight my corner: I wouldn't stand up for myself ever, and I'm sure this held me back as a young adult. I don't find it funny when people in comedies are too weak to assert themselves, and end up agreeing to far more than is good for them.

I do a job where I regularly visit people in their homes, and I am frequently offered refreshments. But if I don't want them, I say no, without hesitation, and sometimes I have asked them to stop offering.

Is there a reason that you wont accept a cup of tea or coffee so that the person you are visiting can feel a tiny bit hospitable?

And what if the person doesn't like tea or coffee?
I'm not a big fan of tea. There are only certain ones I enjoy and none include the bog-standard tea. An ex-friend used to always offer me tea. I always declined saying I don't like it. Again, asked, again declined. When the friend went and made the tea was I supposed to sit and drink it to please the host? How would that help me?

All it says was well I say no thanks, I don't like it, but to placate you I will endure it.
I also have intolerances and allergies. Still, arseholes tried to push those things on me knowing the ramifications. To make them feel a bit hospitable we just eat/drink anyway?

Instead, how about understanding the meaning of no. No is no. No doesn't come with exemptions unless it's going to cause the person harm.

Why should we have to lower our own boundaries to placate someone else? Reducing your own boundaries can lead to a slippery slope of other boundaries lowered.

What if the host wanted to offer me a joint to be hospitable and I didn't smoke weed?

blaue
^
Nope, we just know we're about to eat a big dinner and don't want to spoil our appetite. Or we've just had a big dinner and don't have any room left!^

Then simply say this
People seem terribly reluctant to say why they are saying no.

I think the people who say yabu have obviously not experienced the aggressive 20 offers in ten minutes kind of a thing. My mil is always angry when she has guests round that she's invited herself, won't take no for an answer, won't take maybe later for an answer, won't take I've just had one for an answer, won't take yes that's enough for an answer, and when I do say yes generally decides I don't like something half way through me eating or drinking it and strops off all huffy with whatever it is I've been enjoying to get me something else. It honestly is genuinely stressful going over to her house.

Asking a couple or three times over say an hour is totally normal and hospitable. Not leaving you alone for one second to enjoy whatever they've given you and have a chat is just intense and anxiety inducing.

Also no I don't have anything close to an eating disorder and have a very healthy attitude to food. I actually nearly always accept something to try and shut her up.

I agree it's annoying. Some people love to cater for others and can 'fuss' for want of a better word. MIL was like this, it was as if she thought we were incapable of feeding ourselves in our own home. However, she was very forgetful so we gritted our teeth politely.

The Iranian concept of 'Taarof' requires a guest to refuse food and drinks three times before accepting. It's seen as being greedy otherwise.