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AIBU?

To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

285 replies

micepies · 08/12/2019 14:07

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1231 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
42%
You are NOT being unreasonable
58%
Reallybadidea · 08/12/2019 15:02

Maybe your conversational skills are lacking and they're trying to find ways to fill the awkward silence?

If it's such an issue, why don't you invite them to your house instead? Although actually I think that part of being a polite guest is to accept hospitality graciously. Go when you're hungry and thirsty!

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ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 08/12/2019 15:03

I assumed the OP was Irish. I get this so much with Irish friends and family. English friends.are much more likely to take ‘ no thank you’ for an answer. Indian friends OTOH hear my ‘no thank you’ and serve up a full meal anyway and then give me a box of leftovers to take home.

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DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 08/12/2019 15:03

I'd strongly advise you never to come to Ireland then

Indeed! There is a spirit of hospitality and generosity second to none.

You may remember Mrs Doyle on Father Ted - "Ah - go wan, go wan, go wan, go wan" This is real life. (Many people don't realise that Father Ted is not a comedy programme - it is a documentary.)

I LOVE Ireland!

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Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2019 15:03

I have a relative who will ask if you'd like more food, and even if you say no, she'll plop more on your plate. It's really obnoxious.

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Andysbestadventure · 08/12/2019 15:04

"I won’t visit friends due to this"

Oh get a grip. Honestly. "No thank you, I've just eaten" not hard is it?

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Boots20 · 08/12/2019 15:08

Are you visiting mrs doyle, ah go on go on go on

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Frenchw1fe · 08/12/2019 15:09

I’d be more upset not to be offered anything but I like biscuits.

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Roussette · 08/12/2019 15:10

OP is it honestly 20 times in 10 minutes or are you just exaggerating?! If it is, of course that's annoying.

But if it's just 2 or 3 times YABU. People are just being nice and hospitable. I don't know why everyone is so mardy nowadays, it's just a welcoming gesture.

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IHaveBrilloHair · 08/12/2019 15:12

In Indonesia it's seen as really rude not to accept anything, so you have to take it, but then the host won't have any, they'll just stare at you whilst you eat it.
I had to eat/drink many things I didn't want or like when I was there, whilst a dozen people watched me.

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Beautiful3 · 08/12/2019 15:12

I agree with you. I dont drink tea or coffee and avoid cakes/biscuits because I'm on a slimming plan. It's working, I'm nearly there and happy not to crash my diet now. I ask for glass of water. But they are relentless with repeatedly offering all of above! Grrr...

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Roussette · 08/12/2019 15:13

I won’t visit friends due to this

Ridiculous. My friends are worth far more than getting worked up about saying no to a biscuit.

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ddl1 · 08/12/2019 15:14

I strongly agree. I have some dietary restrictions due to Crohns disease and some people can't understand that it's not the same as a slimming diet that you can break 'just for one day, surely' (not that people should be pressed even for that); and it certainly isn't a rejection of their cooking or desire to have something fancier instead. A combination of treatment that works well for me so that I'm less restricted, and greater public understanding of dietary restrictions , means that things are much easier nowadays (also at my age people are less likely to try to 'reform' me). But for many years in the past I just didn't risk going out for celebratory occasions in case I was treated as 'fussy' and 'rude' for not eating everything; and even at home, guests occasionally took it upon themselves to criticize me for my restrictions.

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TheNavigator · 08/12/2019 15:15

"No thank you, I've just eaten" not hard is it?

Of course it isn't, but you have competely failed to understand the OP's point. The issue is with people who won't accept "No thank you, I've just eaten", but continue to badger and pester trying to force unwanted food on you.

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JacquettaW · 08/12/2019 15:17

I understand all too well. I will always have a brew but I don't want to be fed up with various biscuits and treats. It took me a long time to lose the excess weight I was carrying and ever since, people seem to constantly want to feed me up.

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krustykittens · 08/12/2019 15:19

I think it is cultural. I am from Cork and my granny used to call a cup of tea with no food accompanying it, an 'English' cup of tea. When myself and my mother went home we always made sure we didn't eat for a few hours before the flight as we had to call into three aunties on the way to my Granny's and they would never forgive us for not eating something. My Granny always made sure an apple pie was baked, ready for me to have a slice the minute I walked in the door (I have no idea how she made her pastry and have never found anyone who could do it the same way) and my her neighbour, who had a bakery in her back garden, would always send round a plate of my favourite cakes. Food is part of being hospitable for me - I hope I don't bug people, but if being offered food more than once in my home made people avoid me, they can carry on, I don't want to know them. But then, I wouldn't keep neighbours on the door step either, which seems to be common in the Scottish Borders, where we now live. Food is an intrinsic part of most people's cultures.

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SenecaFalls · 08/12/2019 15:19

I'd strongly advise you never to come to Ireland then

Or the Southern US. Smile

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ddl1 · 08/12/2019 15:21

'"I won’t visit friends due to this"

Oh get a grip. Honestly. "No thank you, I've just eaten" not hard is it?'

It is, if they refuse to accept your saying no, and get indignant and offended with you!

However, while I can understand avoiding big Christmas 'do's, where attitudes to non-eaters can be affected by Christmas perfectionism, if it is happening regularly whenever you visit them, I would think that the friends are being very obtuse, and perhaps it would be an idea to have a quiet word: 'I have a very small appetite/ I have some food allergies/ I have been advised not to eat certain things for medical reasons. I am not seeking to offend you, and am not criticizing your food which is excellent: I just have some restrictions of my own, and would be grateful if you could accept them and not take offence.'

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DorothyParkersCat · 08/12/2019 15:21

A couple of offers is ok, more than that is rude but believe me what you are describiging is nothing.

I used to date someone from a different culture and visiting homes abroad that was obsessive offering even in the face of repeated refusal with a reason 'not hungry' . It was worse because often what was offered was home made and accompanied with a hurt puppy look.

I absolutely hated going to any relatives houses because it was a wash, rinse repeat constantly.

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Mishappening · 08/12/2019 15:21

Try being a teetotaller - everyone tries to foist alcohol on you. Whenever I say that fruit juice would be lovely it nearly always engenders the response "Are you sure?" - well, yes, I am sure!

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spanglydangly · 08/12/2019 15:22

That’s fine bling but it’s exhausting having to say no thank you twenty times plus in ten minutes


It's really not exhausting, is it?

Again as said by PP, don't visit an Irish household!

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ddl1 · 08/12/2019 15:23

'I won’t visit friends due to this

Ridiculous. My friends are worth far more than getting worked up about saying no to a biscuit.'

The problem is if THEY get worked up about it.

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northernlittledonkey · 08/12/2019 15:23

Can't you just have a cup of tea, or a glass of water or similar? Surely you then don't have to say yes to food unless you turn up at what you know is going to be their meal time?

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elizabethdraper · 08/12/2019 15:24

In ireland is rude to accept anything until you have been asked 20 times.

And if you don't offer something every 5 mins you are a horrible host

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Roussette · 08/12/2019 15:26

The problem is if THEY get worked up about it
What sort of worked up? They're hardly going to throw you out of the house because you've refused a second jaffa cake are they:? They're friends after all.

krusty that is so lovely. I don't get the arsiness about it on this thread. My dear old Auntie who is no longer around, used to make cakes and lovely little sandwiches and offer them very regularly when we visited. I had some of what she offered and turned down the rest nicely. I wonder if some of the posters on this thread would've found it irritating, I certainly didn't because she meant the world to me. And she was so so pleased to see us.

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JacquettaW · 08/12/2019 15:30

@Mishappening That's me too! I also get the 'why don't you have a proper drink?' brigade

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