To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

[micepies]

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

Ive got to be honest OP, all the people i know who are annoyed by a polite offer of a biscuit, cup of tea or sandwich are extremely underweight women with issues around food, who constantly restrict their intake.

Nope, I'm both fat and diabetic, trying to eat better and sick of people pushing food on me.

It is worse this time of year with all of the tins of quality street, on Friday I caused offence because everyone was bought a small chocolate santa at a meeting and left it behind afterwards and I only took one sweet from the tin.

It's the same with doughnuts at meetings, no I don't want a fucking doughnut and I don't want to take one for later either. If you had not bought a tray of a dozen you wouldn't have any left to go to waste.

People don't get the message I don't want sugary food, the worst offender is the same relative who has been told the same thing repeatedly yet asks me how my diabetes is on a frequent basis. Please don't buy me sweets as a Christmas gift, and also don't buy me an easter egg.

Eating biscuits, sweets and cakes is not a treat for me, and in fact actively damages me. Right now I know I will be going to various Christmas events and eating a lot, I don't want to be pigging out all month.

My DM. She'd force me to eat or have a cup of tea at the very least even if I told her I'd just eaten. She's not so bad now and will generally accept a firm no but I've noticed she wants to be on the receiving end of the fussing.

I agree with PP who said it's the done thing amongst Asians to offer food even if it's declined umpteen times and then still go ahead and lay the table with an array of dishes (if the guest has come from afar then it's a necessity). South Asian food isn't the type you can quickly rustle up so it can be annoying.

My dsis is the type who won't even offer a cup of tea so I usually go and make myself one. I refuse to sit there parched for hours!

I think you have to acknowledge cultural differences before deciding that you are right and everyone else is wrong. If you are someone who, for whatever reasons, restricts what you eat and drink (allergies, certain meds, disordered eating or just good old-fashioned attention-seeker syndrome) then you need to accept that people from an excessively-hospitable culture will keep on offering you food and drinks because their expectation is that no doesn't mean no when it comes to refreshments. If these are not people you know well or are likely to see again, it's worth accepting a small bit of something or other and just not consuming it. If it's someone you are close to, or going to get closer to (a partner's family for instance) it's better to have a word with them about the fact that you can't have whatever they are offering and/or that you really do mean no.

But you also need to take care not to come across as a whiny martyr who thinks that eating and drinking is disgustingly self-indulgent anyway, let alone if it happens 'between meals'.

I agree. I often accept because it pleases people.

Why should we give a reason though?
You offer a person alcohol and they cannot because of health reasons. Why should they have to disclose any of their medical information?

Or they have an eating disorder but they don't want to discuss this with you. They are put in a bad situation either way for them. They either have to accept what's offered or lie,

I really don't see saying no to food or drink is in any way different to saying no to sex. If we say no we shouldn't have to say why, or worse give in after being badgered. No is no. I don't play stupid games and say no if I mean yes. If I meant yes I would have said so the first time I was asked. Or shock, horror I would ask the host if I could take them up on the offer.

You think that person is playing the game or are they giving in to simply make you shut up. That is not good hosting. Good hosting for me means that your guests are as comfortable as they can, as they fit around those that live there. They should be respected enough to listen to what they are saying and if it's no, then that's it. They should be at ease to ask if the offer is still available and the host gracefully accepts this.

Lunde
Is there a reason that you wont accept a cup of tea or coffee so that the person you are visiting can feel a tiny bit hospitable?
This is why the force feeders are very annoying, it's all about how they feel, it's got fuck all to do with their guests. They don't actually give a shit about their guests. As long as a force feeder has been able to force food and drink on a guest and it makes them feel hospitable. Its all about them feeling good as a host, ignoring their guests wishes.It's bloody rude

Obviously should read bloody rude. Or sodding rude

A family I used to know would offer a drink/snack and whatever your answer was, give it to you anyway.
If you then left it, you had "Asked for it and just left it” repeated to each other over and over again and if you ate it ”see, you did want it really” so you couldn't win.

I am with Drama on this, although I live in the North. It is considered bad manners not to offer such to anyone who calls. Both dh and my famlies have always done such.
Even you are poor and have nothing you always offer something. It is also considered rude to refuse. The number of times I have taken and just drank half the cup of tea and ate the plainest thing I can just to be polite. I am wary owing to food intollerances, so have to be careful.
It is very much a sociable thing as well. Tea/coffee and a chat.
I have a friend with an ED and it is so hard, like you she also avoids friends because of such.
I only wish that was all I had to worry about

I think you have to acknowledge cultural differences

I have friends from a variety of cultures and traditions start to become out-dated. They understand that it's not about being rude to refuse as they have gotten to know me and others. They understand that we have needs at different times. Sometimes yes is said to an offer, and they don't think others are being greedy or whatever. Other times no is said, but that invite remains open.

Start making it their problem.
They put it in front of you. Don't touch it unless it's to push it away. That's how I started when the no's were ignored.
Of course, they say something. Each and every time, I told you, thanks but no. Don't give in to them, until you change they will continue to do it.
Some learn quicker than others.

Why should friends have to avoid the company of people because they know stuff will be pushed onto them that they don't want. Those 'friends' aren't really that nice. If they were, they'd listen to "no thanks, I'm good for the moment. If I want one I will either make myself one if that's ok or ask"
But instead it's fuck you, I don't care one way or another you will eat/drink/do this.

My mother in law does this. I think it’s rude. Once she would not stop asking me if I wanted a drink, I said “actually I would love a coffee”

“Oh I haven’t got coffee - don’t you drink tea?”

Oh lighten up, for goodness sake! I'm the opposite - grumpy if I'm not offered something 😊

@PrincessMaryaBolkonskaya

Let me guess followed by lots of comments such as - what do you mean you don't like tea. Everyone loves a cup of milky tea. Never heard anything like it. How can you not like it? Have you tried it, try it you might like it. Oh, come on give it a go. I know what the problem is you've never tried this brand, or others have made it wrong in the past. Try it, you will love how I make it. Go on, go on.

So you do the daft thing and try it. They ask do you like it? You say no. They reply, don't' know what you're talking about. Nothing wrong with it. No-one else has complained about it (yea I know I'm the first, I've heard the rumours). Something wrong with your tastebuds. Try a bit more, you're just not used to some very ordinary ingredient.

Oh lighten up, for goodness sake!

And health reasons have no consideration. They should just lighten up and accept it?

@Guzzies - Twice is enough all round for politeness' sake, in Ireland or England

Not in Ireland, it isn't. In Ireland you refuse twice and accept on the third offering:

Would you like a cup of tea? Ah no, you're grand.

It's no trouble. No, no. I'm fine.

Are you sure? I will so, if you're having one yourself.

Although admittedly, it's not as strict any more, particularly in the cities.

I do not believe the OP being offered 20:times in 10 minutes

@Aridane then you have been fortunate to not meet someone how has this conversation. Although conversation isn't the correct word as they never pause. When they finally do shut up, at random times they will do the pa comments of don't like tea, how ridiculous etc.

what do you mean you don't like tea. Everyone loves a cup of milky tea. Never heard anything like it. How can you not like it? Have you tried it, try it you might like it. Oh, come on give it a go. I know what the problem is you've never tried this brand, or others have made it wrong in the past. Try it, you will love how I make it. Go on, go on.

Well, I am Irish, and was socialised in exactly the way @wanderings describes, and there’s a lot more going on than it being a ‘nice gesture’. Some of it is social ritual in an indirect culture (like my mother — if been you’ve been socialised to think no one says what they mean, then you may genuinely believe someone wants food but won’t ask for it), some of it is a fear that someone would go home and be able to claim they weren’t fed and watered for four hours at X’s place (even if they were offered food multiple times), some of it is gendered power play from someone without a lot of real power, or sometimes it’s a feeling of rejection if someone won’t eat and drink with you, or a desire to show people you actually have food and drink to offer etc etc.

I think myself it emerged in Ireland in the past out of the clash between a culture of compulsory hospitality and poverty. You saved face and avoided looking mean if you offered food even when you didn’t have it, and you could do it safely if you knew your guest would refuse out of politeness. If you kept offering and offering, then they would know they could (eventually) accept.

But that doesn’t stop it being any less irritating when someone is trying to shove Jaffa cakes down your throat just after you’ve eaten a four-course meal.

@wanderings YES!

I have discovered that people trying to force you into having a beer - oh go on, just one - stop if you say no thanks it makes me fart like a bastard. Perhaps you could adapt that for constant offers of tea or cake?

I don't think a lot of us realise how bound up in polite tradition, eating and drinking is. For a lot of us, it feels very uncomfortable if these conventions aren't followed. For me, I put the kettle on and offer a drink to any visitor. If I have biscuits or cakes in the house, I bring them in and say "Help yourself", but don't worry if the visitor says no thanks to them. I would usually put off having a drink if I was expecting visitors, so I would feel awkward making mine if they said no. I felt equally awkward when I visited someone once, said yes to coffee, and then they didn't make any for themselves.

@ffswhatnext - I,count just x2 questions there, with axcom0anying commentary