To think it’s not polite to keep on and on offering food and drink after someone’s said no thanks

[micepies]

At the moment, I am honestly feeling like it’s a battle when I visit certain people. I spend so much time fending off offers of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cake, sandwiches and biscuits.

It’s turning me anti social as I don’t want to visit.

AIBU and a grumpy sod or should people respect no thank you?

Rousette
Ridiculous. My friends are worth far more than getting worked up about saying no to a biscuit.
Ok but what about when your friends don't fucking listen, what about when either your friends or family take no notice of you at all. How about when you've politely declined twice but they just keep pushing, trying to force you to take their hospitality. They don't LISTEN, they're just pushing all the time.
Op you are most definitely not unreasonable at all.

It's a good problem to have imo. Hate it when you're not offered a cup of tea. And please don't come to Ireland if you're that easily annoyed.

This makes makes me laugh.

Have a cup of tea?
No thanks
Cake - have a slice
No thank you
I just made it today - it’s lovely, just a tiny piece
No thanks I don’t really like cherry cake
I’ll just cut a piece and put it here - it’s really lovely - your uncles favourite, god rest his soul
Actually, well ok just a tiny slice...

(May be followed up later by ‘did you see how much cake she ate? No wonder she has put on so much weight!’).

I have actually been ill after being forcefully offered very sweet goodies (with the best intention) even after explaining that my blood sugar won’t take it.

'What sort of worked up? They're hardly going to throw you out of the house because you've refused a second jaffa cake are they:? They're friends after all.'

Examples:
'I'm afraid you're going to eat just what everybody else eats here!'

'Now, make a clean plate; there's no need to be so fussy!'

'Not eating THIS?! Well, talk about spoilt!'

'Why are you eating this disgusting white bread? It's much healthier to eat brown bread!' (In my own home; and no, for someone with Crohn's disease a high-fibre diet is NOT healthy.)

'What's the matter? Do you think I'm trying to poison you?'

Admittedly, I've had very little of this in the last 20 years; and usually when it happened it either was when I was a child/ teenager, or from people who had known me when I was, and were still in 'bossy adult' mode toward me. But, especially when one has genuine medical reasons for not eating certain things, it can really damage the confidence, especially if someone persists with it.

Butter If that was the case, I would just look at them in the eye and say 'Please do NOT ask me again, I do NOT want anything and I mean it'.

I don't know any friend who would ask 20 times in 10 minutes.

@DramaAlpaca I'd strongly advise you never to come to Ireland then

I was waiting for the Irish response and I do this myself (Irish too) do you want tea will be thrown out several times or other offers and the thing is I'll take you up on the tea offer 3rd time round. Why because I've stayed longer than I thought I would, I am happy and settled and it's quite sweet knowing that if I refuse the first time that's not the end of the hospitality.

It's odd they will ask every thirty seconds for ten mins. Very odd. Most people will ask a couple of times. It's also odd that you wish to avoid your friends in case this happens. All round it's a odd frienship dynamic.

@micepies 100% with you on this.

Would you like a coffee and a mince pie?

No thanks.

Are you sure?

I'm sure thanks.

I don't mind getting you one.

Er no it's OK I don't want one.

But the mince pies are soooo delicious! And the coffee is nice.

I am fine ta!

You'll thank me later!

Ummm I am really OK!

Then the feckers go and give it to you anyway!

My ex had this habit of insisting on carrying my shopping bag(s) when we were out.

Gimme your bag, I'll carry it.

No I can carry it - thanks anyway.

Let ME carry it, it's heavy!

I am fine honestly!

FOR GOODNESS SAKE WUMMAN!

Then he would yank it out of my hand and push me away and say 'I SAID I WILL CARRY IT!'

So fucking disrespectful!

Some see it as being 'helpful' or 'accommodating.' It's not. It's controlling and manipulative. And VERY irritating!

When you ask someone if you can do something for them, or offer to carry something or hold something for them, or get them something to eat or drink, and they say no; they mean NO! They don't want you over-ruling them, with what YOU want!

Basically, some people ask you what you want, listen to what you say, and then go and do what they want anyway! Totally disrespecting you and your decision. As I said, it's controlling and manipulative.

It's the same when someone asks you, what you want for your birthday (or Christmas,) and to give them suggestions. You give them a list of 9 or 10 things, (for them to choose any 2 or 3 to buy,) and they don't buy one single thing off the list of suggestions they ASKED you for.

Why ask someone something, and then do what YOU want anyway?!

So annoying!

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Wow.

You sound like one of the annoying pushy people who force things on people they don't want, because YOU want them to have it!

why the hell would that be a problem?

The most extreme, however, happened not to me but to my mum as a young adult. She had lactose intolerance (I don't) and once was staying with someone who was convinced that she needed milk to 'build her up': she had recently had German measles and looked a bit 'peaky'. After a lot of nagging, she gave in and drank some of the milk. Let's just say that the results were not healthy either for her or for her hosts' carpet!

Spare a thought for those of us with the opposite problem. Go to someones house & not offered so much as a tea let alone a biscuit.... 3 hours later im bloody parched!!

I had a friend who never kept sugar in, even for guests. I found it rather inhospitable, its a non perishable inexpensive item, to not even have a pot of sachets filched from starbucks seems unreasonable.

Rousette tried that, still didn't work, just complete rudeness and extraordinary bad manners on their part.
I hate it when someone doesn't listen to me or decides that they know better than me when it comes to what I eat and drink.

Weird Butter I don't have any friends like that.

Nb. I would never push. I agree that being offered something over and over again is of course unnecessary.

However, its rude to, for example, agree to go over for lunch but turn down any.... lunch.

Yep, Ireland here, would be rude not to offer several times. First question is usually have you eaten? Don't get worked up, people are trying to be kind, tell them you're stuffed already.

Roussette Thank you, I do miss my Granny's baking, I can't bake to save my life! To be insulted as ddl1 has found is awful but my family were just so happy to see us, as my Mam was the only one of the sisters who left the country. It was always, "We bought your favourite cakes, sure you'll have the one," "Have some of the ham, I got it from that stall you like at the English Market," "Will you be wanting a fry up, we got your favourite black pudding from that butcher on the quay?" It was all about showing love and I think food becomes even more important in poor cultures when people don't have much. My Granny couldn't afford to buy me stuff, but she could afford to feed my well and she loved to see me eat. We both had a sweet tooth and we loved those cream cakes with the really flaky pasty and the pink or yellow icing you only seem to get in Ireland. To turn down food from relatives who didn't see us all the time and were just so excited we were coming that they had shopped and cooked especially for us would have been very hurtful. Food is love, so I opened my gob and let them feed me! I must admit, I do the same with my own kids. I do listen when people tell me they can't eat certain things though and make sure I have something in that won't make them ill. My Aunties don't think food allergies exist! "Sure, we never worried about peanuts in my day."

Just say thank you and I'll ask you if I change my mind. Very simple.

@mistycloud

try this one; hi guys would ye like a cup pf tea?
'No Thanks'
5 minutes later
'Are ye sure ye wouldn't have a up of tea/coffee'
No thanks (muttering... why the hell is she ASKING ME TWICE, I SAID NO'
20 minutes later
'do ye want a sandwich and some tea?'
(more muttering, wtf is wrong with her?)
'answer: I'll have 2 boiled eggs and some bacon'
CASE CLOSED. It's called being polite and seeing beyond yourself.

I have to admit I'll ask a guest, they'll say no, I'll say I'm having a coffee I'll make mine, but aware my drink may have made them now want one I'll double check. If they say no I'll leave it.
Personally I hate to be with someone who never checks on me after a period of time and offers me a drink so I tend to check after half an hour or so if they need a drink as I wouldn't want my guest to feel uncomfortable about being unable to ask, or be thirsty.

I didn't know people thought this made me such a rude host.😬😯😯

This all just smacks of a lack of communication OP. Are these friends who do this?

If im going to a friends and turning stuff down its always easy to politely explain why. Just say why - see list of examples below:

"Ive dinner plans, sorry".
"Im watching my weight thanks, no cake for me!" (People will hate you if you always say this but are a size zero who never eats).
"Im not hungry, i just ate actually"
"Im allergic to/don't like it, sorry"
"Ive got teeth problems im laying off sugar thanks".
"No caffeine for me, a glass of water would be lovely though"

In my experience people offer persistently either for cultural reasons or because someone has declined rather bluntly, and the host feels offended.

Just take a biscuit and coffee but don't eat it. They can't offer it if you've already got one sitting. Christ, people having a strop about people being too kind. I second not going to Ireland, you'll be leaving having things popped in your pocket 'for the road'. Love it.

Rousette
Neither do I ..any more

YANBU at all! I have a colleague who asks me every single day if I want a carton of orange juice (I've said no thanks everyday for the past 6 months and told her I don't drink that and she still keeps asking me!) constantly offering me biscuits, chocolate etc and yet again always said no thanks (I'm very healthy during the week and she knows this) and is now asking me all the time what I would like her to bring in for Christmas, arrhh! It makes me feel extremely irritated and wish she would back off! She is very strange.

Food pushers are annoying. I have a couple of colleagues like this.

As a guest I’d always accept a drink, unless had just had one and would then say so.

Avoid my mother, OP. She assumes people have just refused seven times ‘to be polite’, because that’s what her generation were reared to do, so she thinks that the equivalent politeness is to produce a three-course meal when the unfortunate visitors have just explained they don’t want anything because they just dropped in on their way to a restaurant. She genuinely thinks they are both playing a game with recognised rules, and that they expect to be ‘forced’.

And yes, it is maddening. Her daughters have explained for several decades that most people didn’t grow up with the mantra that you should never say what you mean, so it’s fine for her to accept a food refusal at face value — and that in fact she’s often put people in awkward situations because she won’t take no for an answer — but to no avail.

And don’t start me on her and alcohol. She and my father are teetotal, and she understands nothing about alcohol, measures, driving etc. They keep odds and ends in the house they’ve been given as gifts or got on a tombola, and I’ve seen her produce from a cupboard a half-full bottle of white wine that had been there since the previous Christmas, because she thought a ‘drinker’ might like it with lunch, or try to give a visiting relative an entire tumbler of whiskey because a measure ‘looked mean’.

She is utterly shocked if someone offers me a cup of coffee and I say yes, first time. Or if someone offers, I refuse, and the host doesn’t offer again! Shock, horror!